dead man walking
another footsteps
i am afraid to feel
within soul
let's be quiet
or else they will hear
you don't want yourself to get in trouble
we find trouble anyway
not many know
we are all dead man walking
carrying the skeletons
colored with flesh
lets take it somewhere
feeling cold
nowhere to go
the dead man walking too close by
i hear his footsteps
awaiting to catch
his face reminds me of hurt
he is there always in my heart
not too small
its carrying me around
wherever he goes
like a big boy
i am afraid
his presence makes my heart heavy
i want to close it down
forgetting where he lives
wish he takes exit
for good!

I don't write
because I've to write
I write because writing comes to me
I have to write
because i know the language of writing
it comes like a thinking pattern
it compels me
it seduces me
in this bizarre wave
like a drunk
i have no sense to lose myself
So i write
this writing is addicted to me
like a moth attracted to light
I on other hand
avoid, neglect
like a cruel lover
invoking passions in many hearts
and i break them
thinking in minds, that i crush
it's like a disease
and this blank page
it haunts me
night and day
and i fill it up
sometime i burn
sometimes i throw it away
i never read
in a sheer angst
i write
without thinking
it's thinking of it's own
we can't remember
how it started
this great journey comes to me
like a meaningless quest
and sometimes
or most of the time
i think about it
and when I'm not
I surrender myself to these words
who seem to be my only friend

I used to advertise, my loyalty
my tenderness--that knew nothing but you--your scent
how beautiful when I held you
my face is still fresh with infinite kisses
our love is incredible, I used to think
till infidelity came in between--your promises
your sweetness, all went like a sun amidst dark clouds
I promise myself--I'd move on
and I did..yet, ordinary things remind me of you
beautiful smiles; casual ways
nothing more to say; just life alone
reminds me of your deep presence
dwelling in me
I had drown myself; in dustiness of life
but I am afraid
my heart became a place ---
chosen for betrayal
No more, i display myself
for 'loyalty' .
not comforting myself with any lies, having no real desire to continue
but i continue, to be, and live
against odds--betraying, every second minute
I'd wanted to let go;
but life, made me cruel.

Setting out in my destiny
To revisit me in my hopes
Seek out where I began
In empty lanes

How strange a life is
With madness of its own
Set my heart on my head
Hoping to hold me

Raising towards a road
Where ghosts of faces will merge
Left behind horrors of my lost
Mentioning me of my burnt up care

Happed without any hint
Leaned towards me
To guide me through with a torch of presence
Pledging it never will forlorn

Until a flesh appeared in hallucination
Where everything dissolved
Desiring me to desire my left over
For I was the mean to myself alone

While reason collided with my heart
I affectionately held it in my arms
Everything ceased to be
Here, I embraced myself with my union

And I called upon me
To rival my own worst pieces
Since every other halted
I witness myself in my rivalry

Recollecting bits and pieces
Unity, bond, affiliation
Reconciliation with my negated stay
Said my soul and my name; and I listened

All of me was freed
Within freedom persisted my essence
Longing to be held
While everything deserted

I answered the questions
By lifting veils-To set apart my bitterness
Screening it with my soul, my heart
I heard voices of my attributes that I long forgotten  

With my beaming eyes
From mirror of my existence
I encircled myself
In all directions by the wisdom of mysterious

I have found myself longing
and in bad times I feel
I am losing it away
there are no secrets I need to find more
in all good times- I still find myself
upside and down
this heart has its all seasons
but mostly, it's winters- harsh, long and chilling

when I write, I don't need to feel to connect the dots
all my loving leads me towards sour
and this aching soul
I sought myself too deep in invisible world inside
when I could've absorbed myself into commonly grounds
buried in my soul- those carefree moments
I doubted myself too much- tested by life's constant arrows
and people's altering behaviour
am I happy to be just myself?

I am the lover in a day light, I am the lover in a night
I am the lover in a morning, I am the lover in a starry cold night
I must have broke my heart when I let you go
I am hurt by loving; and achieving naught
will I be remembered much? I am alone in my own-shelter

from beginning till the time, i find a light that sparkles too much
when the sun goes up, I always tell myself
I will go up, with this divine spark that has kept me on my feet
the world's going to remember my face; my life; my love
it hurts, sometimes- too much; i will be remembered even when I am perished
words have gone away from me- I have stopped breathing them
I never thought I will be distracted
but here I am- trying to save myself
I am drowning - in my own chilly breeze
battling these battles, within me
trying to figure out what's the best that could keep me
what can really occupy me to my utmost use?

I am the lover that burns the light inside
I am the lover that shines the world outside
I am the lover that heals wounded souls
I am the lover that give hope to losing humanity

willing to forgo meaningless worldly mires
making attempts to rescue
I was left behind
when I needed to be rescued..
fighting these battles, gradually obtaining more light
encompassing more love
to re-shape myself
completely.

I ponder
you all make fun of it
I am pondering ..
i get back to non-pondering state
in my the most pondered mind

dont love me back
i am not one of you
my spirit is elsewhere
so is my mind
don't keep me awaiting
your heart can't possess me
it's like holding rain
not to be sure
where to be, how to go
i am running with my masters best field
the best is never to expect
they are all good for their own
do not hold back
spirits can't hold each other
you all have mastered your soul so much
i no longer reside within
all the seasons look same to me
all the faces seem similar to me
they are all seasonal faces  
don't seek me back
my mind can't be sought by yours calculated means
my heart doesn't understand the worldly takes
all it knows --the reasons to care!

my heart, you'll always long for
despite, I'm love bound
for you
regardless of where you are
I've been holding you for too long
tears never dry--my sweet love
everything is bright and lovely
and goodbye, my love
oh my darling
I chose to let you go off my mind
yet, my heart
you will always long for
because I am love-bound
these good-bye angles
kissing you gently
reminding you of our love and our undying spirit
it feels so unreal
but i know, i must move on
and this love bound heart
oh my darling, you will always long for
despite, its just I won't be there
to console you
anymore and any further

I belong to heart
I belong to mind
I belong to all of you
I am your friend
I am your enemy
I am your stranger
I stay in disappointment
I stay in prayers
I stay in tears

Hate me for my words
Love me for my words
Ending all upon on words
My words- solitary mine words
A world of unaccompanied ears

about ten thousand images
i whirled
like a madman
and here, i am
crying with my lost soul
knowing not--whats the real and false of me
i know not
of any whereabouts of my dwelling
and of my mind
about ages and craving of heart's despair
i longed for images
that locked my heart for ages
and like a ruthless spirit
my mind seeks you
imagining it's the heave it sought
in a moment of pure complex
and divinity
i looked for you
not knowing its my heart
where you lived--
like a real inhibitor

and about here and there
i went
my mind found peace nowhere
but at remembrance of yours
in each bits
i drew circle and circles
without knowing
i'm the one revolving around these
without you being there.

photographs, and the vivid memories
will it turn into a beautiful rhythm
of our bygone love..
listen, and let me fall in love with you
all over again
listen to these falling words
hearts that are beaming in mixture of love
and separation
if, only you could come
love will come to me
and life will smile with me
it's like a desert without rain
reminding me of your smiles,
of your love--
telling me, i don't belong here

for another heart, you may be a person
with beautiful appearance..
but listen--listen to these words
that will make you fall in love with yourseslf
listen from my heart, listen to these songs of my heart
asking me of your whereabouts..

my beloved, listen to my breaths that i take
sleep that has gone away from me
and from not loving you
i have stopped loving all once
and yet, here i am
feeding my love to grow over me
beseeching me to find the beloved
that has gone away..

i dont know much
i can't recall
either
nor do i understand
too good or too less
the swaying away
or staying firm
i don't remember
the going
or coming
even or odd
head or fall
is it the winters game
or falls season
there's no alternative
no going back
i dont!
dancing away with the pain
and joys
i dont remember much
as my memory can't trawl back
it cease to be !
in the moments of downfall
if my wings could fly
or date back to time's origin
we never know who, what
and why
i never sought
too consumed to think
hanging on
around and around
there
here
like a clock's tic tic
now i sit
without substance
just like this
avoiding a narration
that it hurts like a knife in heart
stabbed deep
so deep

if i were to write a history
of today's mankind
i will tell it
like a story
a fiction--people like fiction
they don't want themselves to be told
how ugly they are, sometimes
they don't want themselves to know
how cruel they are, to each other
most people
they are not bothered
of what other feel
and occasionally
and very often
people are left on their own
it doesn't matter
people are senseless
like a jeopardy
even their own existence
is a mirror of complete lie
but don't tell
it'll offend them greatly
don't try to reach out to people
and for some people
it's never enough
whereas there are people
in this world
who die out of hunger
thirst, human cruelty
let us first satiate ourselves
our greed, our appetite
nothing is enough
I'm a stranger
who wonders here and there
i don't recognize people
they judge, regardless
pointing fingers of how aimless i'm
i let myself be an aimless
looking at their gigantic ignorant feeding
this world is too big of a play
of people's games
if i were to write a history
i will form it into a story
of every mankind's state of misery
and mystic going
side by side

So i don't talk to you anymore
i am my own; for myself
and if i, by any chance, wish to speak
i will let my words go in slain; by choice  
and turn to you, no further
today, my destiny singing song of forlorn
i shall keep my head up
and may sing, happy songs
with nightingales of hope, and birds of joy  
i will be my own shelter
I will keep life alive !
And on and on and on, i will dwell
like a wise person-
and by my own desire,
i will have no desire to be, anymore
this is the courage of my own freedom- i take pride in my blood
i dance in ecstasy of being alive to the moment
i swim in passions of my heart's beautiful existence
towards a sweet destiny i will go
the beloved is most beautiful to the beholder
and man sits, like a sadist; regretting of his idle dreams
i am angered to see such a waste of life; such purities went in vain
yet indifference cannot be met with bowls of honest
so i shall go on and on, not to be stopped
every tone of this world makes me a dreamer
that language is neither understood nor felt
it's a world of deaf, with mute voices- my silence be of significance than empty words
and i continue to exist, for myself, by myself- in bowls of these ecstatic sweetness !

am i home
am i home
am i home
can you see
can you see
can you see
let me know
if you can
let me know
if you can find
let me know
if you can feel
lets embrace the changes
lets face the challenges
don't mind keep going
make a chance with the world
it is not to take seriously
or else
you will have another heartbreak

you bought me a lipstick
red lipstick
it keeps me warm
and young
tell me when you're done
i am a canvas that may be loved
till madness
yet i am so lonely, with all my colors
i am haunted by tenderness, gentle memories
with thoughts of heated arguments
where my looming gloom sets in
have i thought of you too much?
tell me when you're done with your ******* and find peace
in this gentleness
I am just too bored to think of you anymore
my head hurts, my arms are empty
where do i find the thought that keeps me moving on
yet i am too wrought by in's and outs
of your gloom in me
love has quit my soul and replaced it
with your spirit of lust and craving for utter madness
i wear the color of red, on my body
and my lips..
yet i am so cold

do not brag 
do not care
do not worry 

it is all at His will 
whilst you care- people leave 
whilst you speak- people accuse
whilst you express- people mock 

do not show
do not mind
do not expect

let it be 
let everything be 
let everyone be

do not cross
do not embrace
do not feel

people don't bother much-- rightly so
everybody care for their own-- rightly so
Still they are growing with loneliness
Right, left..loneliness and emptiness
they eat, pray, speak
with loneliness, emptiness

world is full of noises; everyone hiding
It is neither making sense nor bothering much
but too concealed

Still do not bother
do not be feel
do not speak

it is what it is
it will what it will

remember nothing remember no one
Go and have the soul of your own
without using your mouth

I smoke awaay
My pain my sorrows

Letting them drown
In a world
Which i don’t know much about

I counsel myself
In my own hearings
Presenting my heart
Against all the wrongdoings

Where do I find you
Where do I look for you
My heart sought
Those blissful mornings
When I didn’t know much of this world

I caresses my heart and my wounds
In my own inflicting pain
So to never lose
Of a person
Like you

Since I never liked losing
And even though I’m drunk
In these passionate remorse
All I am thinking
Is your heart

To remember you
In my finest touch

at the end
we all have to get back
where we belong
our origins, our belongings
our sadness
our metaphors
our collective joys
despite who we become
how do we chose our path
or who we live with
we all get back to our shells
our homes
it is where we feel we are eternally bonded
halfheartedly or fully present
it matters nothing
where you go
how you love
our withered bones, our sulkied skin
we are going down there
with our souls farther from us
and bodies frozen with time
it won't matter who gave us too much pain
or whether they understood
us; or cared enough for our sorrows
even if they were scornful
it wont matter
as if it's going somewhere else
touching upon each bit of your skin
soul, heart and mind
despite with time
it will fade away
even if how tearful your heart might be
or how much you went through
in such miserable times
this too shall not matter
as nothing came with us
nothing will go with us
all our heartbreaks, all our sadness
our deep aching of soul
our craving or longing of souls
mind's thirst to embrace the mindful thoughts
we are all at the end
going back
going on and back
like a circle
even this it feels
like a syntax of randomness
but it isn't really so
as it is what we really have
in the end
how we made it through
how we chose to love
and live
amidst all the odds; all the flaws
all the imperfections
and with all our sadness, sorrows
griefs--how we embraced
ourselves
when nobody else did.

characterless and beautiful; those mourning voices- I am too accustomed- of life's ******* fumes-
is this not a reality/ or just my mind's brilliance?
I am sweet- , it's like telling me I am good but no good-
those ***** nights- that you might even **** for good
black and white- am I the only one looking at grey?
so as it appears- that lust wins, for all, and for good
is there any remedy for mind- thinking mind obsessed with your thoughts?
oh honey, did I say not that you are beautiful- we are not match.
thereby not compatible- yet I can't take my mind off you
saving me a cure, for this illness thats growing in my flesh and bones
exactly this is not a meditation- writing for heart, or memory - or say reliving lusting memory
so as it is, it may be- are we allowed to say' its hurting'
or just be shut up about life- and pretend 'its polite not to be too open'.
its like a thing - too swallowed up inside; yet so many people on street, lying down- looking for spare change- or ***;
people will say oh its 'dependence on *****'- *******, to all- who says
but who am I to say this?  
I am like running blue and black- at the same time; wishing to un-done my love
and could give them to people, who need
these words smell like decay- well break it more- who would bother
as if we really care- I feel empty, vain and disdain- how openly I confess more?
enough of this- let's just go back, this mind's brilliance is for nothing
it's all like an old brag- just take a drag, and steel the moments from night
don't be bothered- why to read this, I am not interested
there aren't any running thoughts behind, but who cares?
its all surrealistic, struggling to accept- you are nowhere around.
be a characterless *****, you foolish heart- be a *****- **** you
for these unnecessary troubles-
frozen in this realm of life and death- floating around somewhere in between
only if you were around.

strange it is
to know
how strange people are
perhaps
I am one of them
as the music plays
my mind refuse to work
i miss our dance together
and that grin
on your face
that lit in your eyes, when you saw me
have i mentioned, my own strangeness
as the time pass by
i wait patiently, of my guilty pleasures
an empty bed, staring the screen
the sun sets, quickly
with all its good and gone
tomorrow will be another day
winter is chillier and cold
from distant, it looks like a romantic union
but to who, one might say
this setting has made me look more hollow
and like a thunder, i feel lightning in my soul
piercing in me like a needle
neither do i know what to do
nor do i care much
as it had to be like this
like a careless motion
a demon, that i so lovingly possess

i see it all the time
i don't show

time's imperative need
to always perform
and be in conscious
of all the things that matters--is that nothing matters
Why do we even care?
i witness these movements, in and out,
here and there
As if, at some times, it will make sense
and for what?
with solitude, and with darkness in our minds
we move around--ask these wind,
the waves, and lyrics that you listen to 24/7
trying to relate to what we feel
night and day
in bleak of solitude, dwelling in profound drunkness
ask that who cry with their wide smiles
ask that which whines with their perfections
ask that who are restless in between sleep and awake
for life's eternal burden--that breaks and pierces within
and you must stop worrying
for words can't tell
what we go through
it's a forever going circus.
let's fill ourselves with wine,
poetry, our floating existences..
and these careless words, sometimes deep
sometimes shallow
and must stop worrying.
for each other, and for one another

get dressed
and go to a club
this is where you will feel your soul mate
lying somewhere
drunk in its intoxication
waiting to be held..
people, things, life..and love
everything that jumbles up inside
like a drowning arrow
thrown to us..
waiting to hit us..

we stir ourselves..with more and more pain
by isolating us to people we love
who am i to judge?
All i feel is this endless trauma inside
waiting to be eased
is this my constant companion?
like a calm, superior wave
to drown me
inside its roar
who is there to save?

i remember those dangerous games
that i played--
now it's time to pay back
all i know..is i abort to this drowning hurt
to take me in its arm
since no other is there to hold me tonight ..

dress and make yourself look pretty
so the world outside see how happy you are
to sleep with you, to make love with you
to kiss you like a baby
so what, if we are hurt?
all i know... that i have sold myself
to these statues of pain..

to those pictures of hurt..
people who come by, saw its beauty and left it
on its own..
and here i am ..
drunk in my intoxication
giving me pain every second, every minute
wishing i stop breathing
for a minute
and forget everything
that ever existed..

Dec 2017

flowers continue to blossom
people continue to meet
and air continue to blow
but my heart--my loved one
has stopped
you hear my heart--from a far away land
telling you
it has stopped beating
as if, it's absent
as if, it doesn't recognize any face

all other things that are filled with soul
i am, the only one, without a soul
all other continue to be happy
i am, the only one, who is without happiness
every other has a person
and yet, i am the only one, who's without a one.
they all have homes,
they all have something to hold on to
yet, i am the only one, who's without a one.

you hear my voice, you see my smiles
knowing, there is nothing beneath those
its like a night, without starts

everything blossoms
and it all goes dead..
i sing myself to these words
since, i know, the handful time i have
that will make you remember me..
of this heart..
that stopped before its time..

silence, is encompassing me
with all its stillness and remote
continuing to mourn over my halt soul
where do i find you,  what do i have ?
with each passing day,
this air, smiling at it's stillness
letting autumn fall over
and this heart, doesn't remember anything
nor does anyone remember it.
since there is no one who can hold me
to my peace

characterless and beautiful; those mourning voices- I am too accustomed- of life's ******* fumes-
is this not a reality/ or just my mind's brilliance?
I am sweet- , it's like telling me I am good but no good-
those ***** nights- that you might even **** for good
black and white- am I the only one looking at grey?
so as it appears- that lust wins, for all, and for good
is there any remedy for mind- thinking mind obsessed with your thoughts?
oh honey, did I say not that you are beautiful- we are not match.
thereby not compatible- yet I can't take my mind off you
saving me a cure, for this illness thats growing in my flesh and bones
exactly this is not a meditation- writing for heart, or memory - or say reliving lusting memory
so as it is, it may be- are we allowed to say' its hurting'
or just be shut up about life- and pretend 'its polite not to be too open'.
its like a British thing - too swallowed up inside; yet so many people on street, lying down- looking for spare change- or ***;
people will say oh its 'dependence on *****'- *******, to all- who says
but who am I to say this?  
I am like running blue and black- at the same time; wishing to un-done my love
and could give them to people, who need
these words smell like decay- well break it more- who would bother
as if we really care- I feel empty, vain and disdain- how openly I confess more?
enough of this- let's just go back, this mind's brilliance is for nothing
it's all like an old brag- just take a drag, and steel the moments from night
don't be bothered- why to read this, I am not interested
there aren't any running thoughts behind, but who cares?
its all surrealistic, struggling to accept- you are nowhere around.
be a characterless *****, you foolish heart- be a *****- **** you
for these unnecessary troubles-
frozen in this realm of life and death- floating around somewhere in between
only if you were around.

parallel to heart
eyes, wet and teary
without knowing

sobbing

wet looks inside
inside me
deep

tears do not
roll up
heartaches or momentary pleasure

without doubt, I set everything free
yet
putting myself on a bed
of doubt,
and some more doubts

every second
each minute
it burns
inside

I am not the one
who I used to be..
am I going to remember anyone?

perhaps not
all the depth inside has
turned into cold

no need to be for free
or at service
all else continues to live
with or without
like
how I breathed.

I smile in confusions
I cry in laughter
I remain without me, when with me
And all day long, I long to be with me
Nights remain a process of pain-sewing
like a needle in fabric ..
I talk passion, my sight short sighted-ness
My blood sings in bleeding
Heaven heaven !
I love bleeding;
in burning core to core in love..
Heavens might have placed me in this earth,
but my heart marches still in the doors of heaven..

Do i hate you?
Or am i angry at you?
I don't hate you, i am not angry at you
but i just feel better
when i don't see you, when i don't speak to you
i remember the things that made me so miserable
and i know, this won't go away
just like that..
i am happy, i am truly happy that you are happy
and you're moving on
this is best for both..
but there is no room for anger,
or hate, or boredom revenge
hitting with each other with knife
and telling me later, how sorry you are
you were my little one..
what i felt with you, of what i never felt with anyone else
yet, let me tell you
i just don't want to speak to you
nor do i want to speak about you
my heart had enough, so did my soul
of tortures ..and these endless desires
of seducing and making out..
it seems you care, and have cared
but truth is..you cared only about yourself
nobody else..
and this will, once realize
will daunt you and your life..
i just wish, i never get to see this
and never had to see your face
ever, again..
till i breath.

I belong to heart
I belong to mind
I belong to all of you
I am your friend
I am your enemy
I am your stranger
I stay in disappointment
I stay in silence
I stay in tears

-2014

I drank my sorrows
Leaving them behind
Somewhere
I don’t recall
All I know
Is the key
To this locker
I’ve thrown away
Far from my reach
So I could be sober
Again
To find my heart
Once more
And embrace it all
To heal my unheard wounds

****** me
when i am gone
kiss me
when i am no more
touch me
when i am nowhere to be seen
drink me
when i am dying ..

I am haunted by my own
All i had was myself
to my own,
i don't recall myself
leaving behind, i don't care how i am seen
i lost myself to a place
where i dont belong
i lost myself to people
who i don't know no more
i lost myself to myself
to a one, i don't recall much.

Wind cries
Feeling whirls
Owing to life's constant playing
Tell me of good
Speak me in your beauty
Forget all cruel
Hold cheers in your dancing matters

-2014

i am burning
even if its' snowing outside
my own burning
burnt me, inside outside
like this tiredness
so what, if life has stopped living for me
so what, if love has stopped knocking at my door
i will walk, regardless
sooner, i will fall in love, again
to nature, to streaming beautiful waterfall
and i will start trusting again.
to those random faces, and their smiles
their beautiful words--spoken to me
telling me, 'oh, i look nice to them'..
why can't i trust--i have stopped asking
since its my own tiredness
in people, and their empty words
yet, i continue to move on..

imagine, if i find a soul, too
to make me fall in love again..
and let this burning go away
even if i find you, so what?
will this ease away my burning
that came, by your empty words?
or will it stop making me feel this tired
and lonely

so what, even if i get you..
i had this ache that if with you,
i will stop being this
alas, it was you, who made me feel
the loneliest

i have stopped looking
letting this burning consume me
i shall regardless, move on..
and continue to hope
that i, too recover from empty promises
and hollow words
so to be immortal again

i feel like a *****
ended up being used ...
trying to sell my body
and my soul
i have sold myself
to people...to people i love
sometimes its the life that hurts the most
but not people, that hurts..
sometimes i am too vulnerable
like a wreck
i end up hating myself
each moment, i breathe
sometimes it's the things that hurts
but not yourself..

we are the slaves of our emotions
drifting into each other like a lover
this love--that i speak, hurts like a needle in body
why do i care so much?
i am too alien to my own thoughts..
i wish i knew the answers--all i had the questions
that wrecked my soul..

sometimes its not the words that hurts
but life, itself--that hurts the most..
yet, in the end...
it's the hurt, that i feel
my companion for night and day
that's there to stay with me forever ...

i feel like destroying everything but i can't
my hands are tied, so is my heart..
little tiny thing inside us,
that aches like a burning volcano
all i know..
its' not always the people that hurts
but life itself, that hurts the most..

Dec 2017

paint it blue
or paint me, black
have i lost my mind.

this circus,
family, friends ..
have they ****** it, entirely.

is it a waking dream
or am i, just another passing time

home, solitary
constant phone ringing
children screaming---a long list of things
to get..

an exile,
that never seem to end ..

countless drama's
i couldn't escape
my mind--being the best of me
& worst, left me
most of miserable..

no boundary, no limits
shamelessness; on top of all agenda's
an infected virus-- a shame
on humanity!

people i lost
relations i don't have
not a single tear

my mind is dense with thousand
of thoughts
my mouth; however
mute, as sunshine ..

is it just the lock-down
or the life, i have ..
the hypocrisy-- a venom
that
people seem to own it ..

a journey i am on
been a long
slow and solitary.

there is nothing more hollow
then looking back to your own life
with a pinch in heart
moving on is a freedom that you've to make
as for nothing is real
nobody is there
i see my heart with an aching sight
with each of beating
it drowns more
in an aisle of despair
like slipping moments
moving one place to another
without any hesitation
i intend to leave this life
just so ******* scattered
i crave for peace
it feels too much to be in ones own body
it ******* hurts
like a needle in body

i am not gone
but i feel myself gone
truth is harder to tell but lying is cruel
being cruel is considered good
so is the lying ..

we crave for own space
this space in my heart that is shattered says
'write poems'
but my life tells me to go on
it's too painful to write your own story
and to rewrite the narrations of what you felt
it just feels too much
sometimes more than these words can describe
and i feel helpless
this heart...this my very heart
it feels so heavy
insisting of loading all the grief of this world
convicted of grief, pressure
all the mammoth madness
of this life
this hype that everyone talks about life
i just don't agree
as sometimes
i even lose the motivation to breath
this pain which is never just mine
but of living too much
for others!

where should i go
i am just an immigrant
like a bird
hugging the air

i am withered away
in this stormy weather
where none exists

bird of my soul writhes
but its unable to find its path
am i lost?
Or i am unable to see any face

tell me, my friend
where should i go?
just show me the path of love
and let me be your follower

i stay in one moment
and fly away in next..
where do i belong?
have i asked for too much
or i am intoxicated of you leaving me

listen to my call
i am here only for a short visit
what false could i do to you?
my destiny is beyond the borders
this path, that i am walking
does it take me to heaven
or i am too pretentious?

since this strange love keeps us accompanied
i have become a stranger to my own love
or these moment of loneliness have overwhelmed me

where should i go?
am i destined to reach to my path
or this path will keep on playing hide and seek
tell me, what traits do i possess?
have i been too much of a rebel?
since the time i met you
i have desolated my own
and became a caravan of lost

why do i still look for excuses to love, yet again
even though, i deny all the excuses
and this madness keeps me in company
asking me
where should i go, again?
but my mind tells me
to stop denying facets of love
and finally admit
the shortcomings of my understanding..

this peace has desolated from your heart
and there's no way going back.

tell me, my friend
what should i do?
where do i go?

my dear, wasn't just the metaphor
it meant, every singly word of it
with all my heart
even though i had nothing to give
my soul was burnt up with agony
but i stood up.
lived up to what you wanted.

i let myself be easily fooled
by your stories, and your marvels
till to the point, i am left with my remains
what do you want to do with my remains?
do you relish to devour of my remains now?
doesn't it satisfy you enough,
how i do satisfy you more?
I never will be able to guess
of your little stories..
my little one..were just not words to me
i felt it with all my soul..
yet it aggrieve me to think how you burnt me up
in my own little world
leaving me no way out..
even though, i so want to escape
to my sad, i have no way out..
yet,
you want to see me,
to see how i behave
even when i am left with nothingness
falsely, this love--that you think it was..
killed my heart
and i am no one
but another story of your marvel
your truly false story that played on me.

love can't be held
it can be captured
it can't be described
what i feel, might you feel same
but we feel all of us,
burning desire,
little by little
i thought i know pain--of letting go
it's more than that..
i loved with this love, of being loved
i am not angry
but i just thought---i know pain
i was wrong..
all i am feeling is pain...a lot of pain..
you can't escape
i wasn't enough
even if you loved me
inch by inch of you--yet moving on
i would imagine i knew the feeling
but i forget--every time
how much it hurts--of love
love, that runs in my body
like veins, like rushing blood
i feel for everything, and everyone
yet it's for only few
you amongs them
and its not enough.

I have felt the pain
growing in my soul
like a bursting volcano
i wonder if i can hide it
in my smiles
in my casualness-- my crippled inside
why do i need people?
why do i need to reconcile
when i have my heart
that's so much more than anyone
it has capacity to take
to get broken, to sync all the sufferings
why do i care so much?
when i barely receive any?
this pain is unbearable
it took me to contact those who i didn't want to
but i did..
out of my hearts massive heartache
out of my breath's incapacity to breath
wonder, why do i feel?
i am so incapable of feeling anymore
yet,
here i am,
with my crippled soul, waiting to be heard
waiting to be wrapped in her warmth.

I was a soul
i will stay a soul
in your love
i remain a crazy existence
hearts do not know what to do with their core
they are dissolved
day by day
not knowing of their lost self
i am determined
my mind did not took me along
when all the love was being disbursed
i was left alone
to feel alone the lonesome
in a world
which i know is not mine

-2014

If i die
don't cry
or feel sorry for me
but rather
celebrate my life
my heart
my soul
it once gave away
everything; for people
people of all kinds
race, religion
color or region
it didn't stop loving..

let my life be told like a beautiful rhytm
rekindled in tears, casual smiles
lonely moments
sitting in coffee shops, just by yourself
or amidst people, in crowd..
knowing there's no one else who would hear your stories
and yet willing to take as who you are

if i die
don't feel i was miserable
because i was a life within life
a smile in laughter
a soul who doesn't trouble any
my life was a beautiful ride
and remember so is my going away
it will touch you deeply
and you will be reminded me of
in moments, in casualness
in summers, in autumn
of love, of beauty, of friendships
of relationships - of being with people
without ever asking
just don't stop feeling
because of my going away

if i die
don't cry, don't grieve
as i have moved to one place to another
so celebrate my smile in your smiles
and let my memory be like music
forever there in background
keeping you alive
and young..

everyone tells me to move on
yet here i am
writing poems, prose's about you
memories haunting me
like a needle in body
it won't leave my heart
is there a remedy?
for how we played? or how you played?
why do i care?
telling me, how naive i am
i wish i could stop moving on
any further..
while each word i write
it torture my soul
yet i cant keep it to myself
so i close my eyes..
i am scared i would lose myself
just like you..
i wish i become immune, cold
and remote..like you..
who do i compare with you
it won't be enough..
everyone tells me to be strong
just like how i appear to be..
but i keep guessing,
why i am still here?
feeling this, writing this
that continues to run in my head
like a time-machine
i don't want to wake up..
to feel any further, cause i know
there is no relief out there
my dreams tell me
i will be fine..
but this reality of darkness whispers something else..
yet there's no escape
except of sleep.

love is never enough
you hit me, and it felt like love
i am filled with rage
so many passions, burnt up emotions
in my own burning volcano
why didn't i die there?
i marvel on how much it can hurts?
yet i am here
refusing to move on..
feeling every punch of you
as if it's the best thing ever..
knowing it's the only thing you gave
boxed in beautifully wrapped named 'love'
filled with poison,
rage, and so much hurt.

Do i need coffee?
When i have you
only a thought that keeps my mind occupied
your scent, your lips on mine
with smoke of cigarettes
in my whole body, touching me
as if its never been touched before
what do i say of love?
what do i say of trust?
I have neither
so i get back to coffee
my world of caffeine
smoke, endless smoke
filling up my emptiness
a dose of caffeine
the only thing that keeps me moving
no love, no trust
only dose of caffeine
with regrets kissing me all over.
putting me in shame every moment

romance with me while you smile at me

I am happy to have you
let me inform- i don't feel love
i don't care love - i don't think love
it has no meaning for me
I can solve puzzles, and jigsaw's, equations
this- i cannot solve- despite my all mind
and heart; no capable
I will meet- once i am done
till, i wonder from here and there- with your sound and face

I left home when i was still young, and free
it didn't feel anything ever since
i hear stories of my homeland--of her occupants
the journey hasn't been easy
'home'--i felt, is void
it's at a different level; under new lights and dimensions
everything else migrate too, whales, fishes and all these beautiful creatures
but 'always together'
unlike them--i migrated alone,
mankind can't be together, too much divisions
too many things to separate from each of us; boundaries
communities, religion, region
language and culture
each thinking 'better than others'
'us vs them' thoughts that killed million
but i migrated..alone
thinking it's safe place--'earth'.
it is, in my mind..
yet i keep thinking
what am i supposed to do?
Where am I?
This old stubborn anxiety, of self-doubts paves a way in me
i see all passions, and dreams branching out of me
like a leaf from trees,
constantly tested by its fear..
my heart, but, resembles like a weak, trembling thing
that knows no way, to give up
which will define a new route for my life.