By the river
I sat down
and wept

love inside me
future seems bright
yet so lonely
and without love

love is all over me
past is full of evilness
pain, hurt
and burning
love never came to me

lies, betrayal
failure
loneliness
have,
shielded me
in its wrath

words have always been my companion
my saviour
my lifeline
it seem to have gone away

whilst i write this
in middle of night
alone
i write with fury of my heart
no knowing
what words come of me

memories haunt my peace
life betrays me
in a nutshell

i cry with all my love
dying inside me
yet so alive

this you would know
live me, cry me
take me
dancing in the dark night
and healing never comes
pain keep mounting
eyes do not cry any more
nothing scares me
not even people
or their words
burn me
die me , curse me
be in my skin
it is as it is
kiss me
with your bitterness intact
i need you to forget everything
love does not exist
care is insulting
i am insulted
tonight i am in mood of nothing
epic journey
rejections filled this heart
that you would feel
tore me apart
seal me, free me
sentence it forever
waiting is a long stop
it never comes to end

-Aug 20013-

strange people are lonely
be in a crowd
or at a party
they are weird
i have never been lonely
never have i tried to find it
anyone could enter
and go
as they like
bothers me not a bit
since i have always had this itch
for loneliness
it never bothered me
people did !
with people
or at crowd, full of noises
my heart wandered alone
cherished solitude
I've felt
intense
and cried
bitterness ran within these veins
which i not bother speaking
nor do i want anybody to see
that's my property, my possession
which none allowed to enter
well ..
because you see nothing
you hear none !
words are only medium to express
i am bothered by nothing
spoken words just another thing
filling up this deep thick air
paper is a blessing
i lay my soul bare
with no scratch in my heart !
i believe we are all alone
we are all dumped
to nothing
cities are full
air is polluted with noise
mouths are big
tusk tusk
it's stupid to be who you are
truth hurts
yet it doesn't !
forget what you wear
or how you do
you are nowhere
but in a world
who is incapable to see
to feel
me neither !
its only loneliness sometimes make sense to me
when others don't !

I used to have words
I could write them
through my fingers
with a rhythm
of my heart
of my life
it feels words, too,
gone far
from my reach ..

this struggle
i bear inside
i no longer can narrate
with feelings of my words!

i see so many people
around
all
over
me ..
yet i no longer feel the empathy
of hearts
or
companionship of my words
it hurts
it aches within!

all my efforts
all my struggle
seems to go in vain ..

glasses get broken
so many people
with broken heart
broken limb, empty soul
it feels nothing heals

people come
and go..
sometimes, people stay
to change their colours
their patterns
with each passing day

yet, no words seem to soothe anything
so maybe it
an end to all of beginning
of this slaughter
martyrdom of hearts and passions

this, maybe the
beginning of my freedom
reviving through
my words
and this story!

Dawn arrives
it has three rows
an enormous life
with intense struggle
carrying a paperweight

It feels, life like a surrealist dream
An artists masterpiece
hoping to find meaning
demeaning every single day--am i caught up yet again

a hurricane of strong winds
water splashing everywhere
no one receives hope
dawn arrives--we all leave and groan
parading into this abyss of living
searching between somewhere being alive and abandoned passions

hope; an impossible metaphor
just like these words
counting on some motivation
a furious lost coin--an engraved fury

dawn arrives--and these angels abandoned us
here in Cardiff--it groans like a mad uproar
the light is buried under our eyes and skin
hush of these deafening challenges
a staggering crowd in my head
those who go out of their skin
are the real ones/ achievers?
mired in symbols and in fruitless heart's labor.

dawn arrives
it bites the men--who thinks
there is no paradise
love that spurs out of our lives
dies in casual moments
and yet, this will continue
again and so on
and on.

I want to write
what i feel
but i have no words ..

i want to cry
when i think
but i have no tears ..

i want to go home
to separate myself from endless trauma
but i have no home ..

My spirit is low
my heart is filled with trauma
my mind continues to put up with me
my body continues to put up with me

And I am still low
Is this betrayal?

Everybody says me weeper, gloomy
gentle in pain
everybody thinks me pain, weeping
delightful weeper
I am a delight force, my weeper
bitter delight
my words are the companion
tasteful but alone

O the weeper, the gloomy heart
take me to the river
and tell me; why do I love?
Cover my heart and my soul
from thickness of your sheet
Or else, I will die
by the coldness of hearts

Because I love ardently
and I am alone; You listen
for your needs, for your needs
I give every drop of my blood
and You take delight, calling me weeper
gloomy but beautiful

Who are everybody; but you
alone do I cry; my weeping heart
take us to the mountains
in heights where we sing together; loud
intense but gentle
What do you want more
and you call me gloomy

I am like a beautiful smile, my gloomy
sweet but short
I am like a taste of intense, weeper
bitter but powerful!

Do you want more, the weeper
my words are the only one left out here
Along with my heart
the departing heart!

- June 2011

my heart
comes in a shape of a box
as if
it's ready to encompass
all the
emotions in the world
besides for
my own

and for a moment
my heart seeks
all the unlived moments
of joys & love

love-- is this a word
or a feeling
this strange box
never kept it
for her own wrap ..

I see the sadness of
a moon
shining tall
amidst the darkness of night
distributing
secretly
her sorrows
wrapped in a gold-paper proudly
to her favorite boxes

oh, this strange feeling box..
such strange mystery

a flawless performance
of this timeless soundtrack
where my strange box
outshines
her own beauty

spent in solitude
with endless smoke & intoxication
to deny these sorrows

& almost
to defy all the moments
where love could be collected
for dark, cold moments

strange box --- encompasses all love
but not for herself ..

is it a dream
or just a reflection of a moon
in a river

for others to say 'how beautiful '
only to know
it's a gift wrapped
in a gold paper

proudly stating
'Timeless sorrows'

oh, this moon is incredibly proud
so are these boxes
keeping all the strangeness of this world ..
almost unspeakable to most!