characterless and beautiful; those mourning voices- I am too accustomed- of life's ******* fumes-
is this not a reality/ or just my mind's brilliance?
I am sweet- , it's like telling me I am good but no good-
those ***** nights- that you might even **** for good
black and white- am I the only one looking at grey?
so as it appears- that lust wins, for all, and for good
is there any remedy for mind- thinking mind obsessed with your thoughts?
oh honey, did I say not that you are beautiful- we are not match.
thereby not compatible- yet I can't take my mind off you
saving me a cure, for this illness thats growing in my flesh and bones
exactly this is not a meditation- writing for heart, or memory - or say reliving lusting memory
so as it is, it may be- are we allowed to say' its hurting'
or just be shut up about life- and pretend 'its polite not to be too open'.
its like a thing - too swallowed up inside; yet so many people on street, lying down- looking for spare change- or ***;
people will say oh its 'dependence on *****'- *******, to all- who says
but who am I to say this?  
I am like running blue and black- at the same time; wishing to un-done my love
and could give them to people, who need
these words smell like decay- well break it more- who would bother
as if we really care- I feel empty, vain and disdain- how openly I confess more?
enough of this- let's just go back, this mind's brilliance is for nothing
it's all like an old brag- just take a drag, and steel the moments from night
don't be bothered- why to read this, I am not interested
there aren't any running thoughts behind, but who cares?
its all surrealistic, struggling to accept- you are nowhere around.
be a characterless *****, you foolish heart- be a *****- **** you
for these unnecessary troubles-
frozen in this realm of life and death- floating around somewhere in between
only if you were around.

parallel to heart
eyes, wet and teary
without knowing

sobbing

wet looks inside
inside me
deep

tears do not
roll up
heartaches or momentary pleasure

without doubt, I set everything free
yet
putting myself on a bed
of doubt,
and some more doubts

every second
each minute
it burns
inside

I am not the one
who I used to be..
am I going to remember anyone?

perhaps not
all the depth inside has
turned into cold

no need to be for free
or at service
all else continues to live
with or without
like
how I breathed.

I have found myself longing
and in bad times I feel
I am losing it away
there are no secrets I need to find more
in all good times- I still find myself
upside and down
this heart has its all seasons
but mostly, it's winters- harsh, long and chilling

when I write, I don't need to feel to connect the dots
all my loving leads me towards sour
and this aching soul
I sought myself too deep in invisible world inside
when I could've absorbed myself into commonly grounds
buried in my soul- those carefree moments
I doubted myself too much- tested by life's constant arrows
and people's altering behaviour
am I happy to be just myself?

I am the lover in a day light, I am the lover in a night
I am the lover in a morning, I am the lover in a starry cold night
I must have broke my heart when I let you go
I am hurt by loving; and achieving naught
will I be remembered much? I am alone in my own-shelter

from beginning till the time, i find a light that sparkles too much
when the sun goes up, I always tell myself
I will go up, with this divine spark that has kept me on my feet
the world's going to remember my face; my life; my love
it hurts, sometimes- too much; i will be remembered even when I am perished
words have gone away from me- I have stopped breathing them
I never thought I will be distracted
but here I am- trying to save myself
I am drowning - in my own chilly breeze
battling these battles, within me
trying to figure out what's the best that could keep me
what can really occupy me to my utmost use?

I am the lover that burns the light inside
I am the lover that shines the world outside
I am the lover that heals wounded souls
I am the lover that give hope to losing humanity

willing to forgo meaningless worldly mires
making attempts to rescue
I was left behind
when I needed to be rescued..
fighting these battles, gradually obtaining more light
encompassing more love
to re-shape myself
completely.

Oh I was, I am , will be if I don't say this to you
you were honest in telling me how you don't see us going anywhere
I got no time, to carry burden of heavy heart
I didn't see this coming; couldn't understand why
well ..honey, I didn't know that you felt nothing
I didn't think you didn't feel nothing
I didn't see this coming; you didn't think about me
explains all, no?
how messed up this heart- perhaps you could have figured my heart out
I didn't see this coming- I fell for you
by the cause, I wish I could undo it
your touch, and your smile..
oh no I don't want to carry your thoughts, in my head
my head is fuzzy
couldn't carry you anymore
I don't wanna see this anymore, I don't wanna carry this any longer
got distractions in my head - this a'int going anywhere
if you are not mine
forgive me, got to say this to you
I need to undo from my head, so to move on
its not my fault ..you see..
you said your honesty, I am giving you mine
got no heart to carry thoughts, that are not mine
got no mind to carry soul thats not mine
you may try kissing me again - you may try making love with me again
you will get what I mean
maybe you were right you didn't want to hurt
but oh honey- i am so thrilled and saddened by your flashbacks
how sweet, how bitter your touch
and I still think have i ever crossed your mind?
no you didn't..
oh honey, I didn't see it coming- and just like that I can't touch you
you said lets call if off - and I rang you back
oh honey, I listened and went away
but I aint got a heart to carry this on anymore ..
I waited, and waited- and I am still stuck in your thoughts
well you might believe
this wasn't just the **** - crawling up into me like craving of a soul
like burning of a fire..this wasn't just the pretend?
oh honey, you are gone..I wanna see this no more
your body, your eyes, your smiles..is what I keep thinking
I wanna carry you no longer..
with this line, I wanna undo you from my mind

characterless and beautiful; those mourning voices- I am too accustomed- of life's ******* fumes-
is this not a reality/ or just my mind's brilliance?
I am sweet- , it's like telling me I am good but no good-
those ***** nights- that you might even **** for good
black and white- am I the only one looking at grey?
so as it appears- that lust wins, for all, and for good
is there any remedy for mind- thinking mind obsessed with your thoughts?
oh honey, did I say not that you are beautiful- we are not match.
thereby not compatible- yet I can't take my mind off you
saving me a cure, for this illness thats growing in my flesh and bones
exactly this is not a meditation- writing for heart, or memory - or say reliving lusting memory
so as it is, it may be- are we allowed to say' its hurting'
or just be shut up about life- and pretend 'its polite not to be too open'.
its like a British thing - too swallowed up inside; yet so many people on street, lying down- looking for spare change- or ***;
people will say oh its 'dependence on *****'- *******, to all- who says
but who am I to say this?  
I am like running blue and black- at the same time; wishing to un-done my love
and could give them to people, who need
these words smell like decay- well break it more- who would bother
as if we really care- I feel empty, vain and disdain- how openly I confess more?
enough of this- let's just go back, this mind's brilliance is for nothing
it's all like an old brag- just take a drag, and steel the moments from night
don't be bothered- why to read this, I am not interested
there aren't any running thoughts behind, but who cares?
its all surrealistic, struggling to accept- you are nowhere around.
be a characterless *****, you foolish heart- be a *****- **** you
for these unnecessary troubles-
frozen in this realm of life and death- floating around somewhere in between
only if you were around.

I am sick of trying
why could you not love me back?
why could not love me at all?
Said, tomorrow will be brighter day-
what hath stop us?
And now, you wouldn't even want to see me?
I am sick of trying
of these little games- of our love whispering
oh darling, I told myself- it'll be all fine.
I'd broke my heart, why did I imagine you to be my own?
why did I think that you could hold me, a little- if not for too long?
turns out- it was not you; just you never felt
besides, you are going away
but will you think of me, at all?
in some of your nights, or in some of your casual moments?
I suggested; an alternative- but this didn't suit you either.
while I wanted to ask- why couldn't you love me, a little?
says a little voice to me - that I can't -- since, it's all vanished.
looks like, it never happened- nothing ever really mattered.
while I write this, with your image in my head
my mind asks me million questions; why did I fell for you?
to myself- I am like a prisoner; of my behaviour- not loving those who love me dearly; falling for those who can't love me back?
have I not been loved enough?
oh darling- this is a nutshell of my heart
so wild, so carefree - it fell for you, unknowingly- and here I am;
writing; with bitterness and meloncholy- so sick of trying, and losing.

Enclosed in this body
I find myself terribly alone
people who are supposed to be mine; I don't understand their customs even though we share same language
how can we share same culture, bonding, skin colour and religion?
I find this bizarre- strange, and defying
though I did not want; I am forced to hear the stories
participate in this wildness of rituals, judgemental games
these rituals, maddening remarks and cultural scores
majorly- religious obsession; I find this bizarre, fanatic, humiliating
I, just feel, absurdly, obscurely and intensely alone
officially, I resigned from feeling too human.