By the river
I sat down
and wept

4 am & i am up
thinking about life; and those casual heartaches
blurred over lines, from
hangovers; from last night
dissolved in an abyss
lost in momnets of love.

6am and this struggle
continue in my vassal, holding into hope
these are careless whinning
another vegabond- bottled up
in crazy soul; and this body
how do i refine myself of these
'too many' memories
i still don't know why i cried
it's something that my heart
rearranged & felt in its cage- waiting to be free
carved in moment of silence

8pm - i replace smiles
and removing soberity
putting on wilderness- empty roads
empty brothels
people- of their smiles; faces; of all kind
and rendered between those faces
dancing away like i am not myself
as long as i can dance.
who cares to be carrassed.
this town is a blessing-
slowly & drifting away- i am crafted in these soulless ***** nights

midnight- & those fading passions
everything changes- like a bad man's dream- why did i leave?
i was never meant to stay back?
never fits into this mess
there''s no healing- and no way back
unable to recognize this emptiness- not everything gets filled
it's like both way- glass half full; and half empty
all surrealist--fading away
into a myth of starry night.

i felt you
so closely, and very near
like an air, like a wind
but you are still far..
i felt you
near me, so close
all over me and my senses
you touched me
went by my breath, my face
my head,
i haven't been myself ever since.
i felt you,
that close..in my blood
in my restlessness, in my helplessness
you came and left me vulnerable
my heart is like a child, needing presence
to feel warmth and not abandoned
but it doesn't have any.

i felt you
that close, and that near
hitting me with your force
showing the might-
i have been reminded of my weakness
so much, that i am struggling to focus
i can't see any face, i am blinded by your supremeness
and i feel powerless.
wondering where do i stand
in this life?
how did you leave me, so closely
so powerful
and yet here i am
writing about you, after being crushed by you
overwhelmed by your extreme
i felt you, oh death
so closely
you were there, that close
yet, left me
just like everyone else.

If i die
don't cry
or feel sorry for me
but rather
celebrate my life
my heart
my soul
it once gave away
everything; for people
people of all kinds
race, religion
color or region
it didn't stop loving..

let my life be told like a beautiful rhytm
rekindled in tears, casual smiles
lonely moments
sitting in coffee shops, just by yourself
or amidst people, in crowd..
knowing there's no one else who would hear your stories
and yet willing to take as who you are

if i die
don't feel i was miserable
because i was a life within life
a smile in laughter
a soul who doesn't trouble any
my life was a beautiful ride
and remember so is my going away
it will touch you deeply
and you will be reminded me of
in moments, in casualness
in summers, in autumn
of love, of beauty, of friendships
of relationships - of being with people
without ever asking
just don't stop feeling
because of my going away

if i die
don't cry, don't grieve
as i have moved to one place to another
so celebrate my smile in your smiles
and let my memory be like music
forever there in background
keeping you alive
and young..

i feel like a *****
ended up being used ...
trying to sell my body
and my soul
i have sold myself
to people...to people i love
sometimes its the life that hurts the most
but not people, that hurts..
sometimes i am too vulnerable
like a wreck
i end up hating myself
each moment, i breathe
sometimes it's the things that hurts
but not yourself..

we are the slaves of our emotions
drifting into each other like a lover
this love--that i speak, hurts like a needle in body
why do i care so much?
i am too alien to my own thoughts..
i wish i knew the answers--all i had the questions
that wrecked my soul..

sometimes its not the words that hurts
but life, itself--that hurts the most..
yet, in the end...
it's the hurt, that i feel
my companion for night and day
that's there to stay with me forever ...

i feel like destroying everything but i can't
my hands are tied, so is my heart..
little tiny thing inside us,
that aches like a burning volcano
all i know..
its' not always the people that hurts
but life itself, that hurts the most..

Dec 2017

get dressed
and go to a club
this is where you will feel your soul mate
lying somewhere
drunk in its intoxication
waiting to be held..
people, things, life..and love
everything that jumbles up inside
like a drowning arrow
thrown to us..
waiting to hit us..

we stir ourselves..with more and more pain
by isolating us to people we love
who am i to judge?
All i feel is this endless trauma inside
waiting to be eased
is this my constant companion?
like a calm, superior wave
to drown me
inside its roar
who is there to save?

i remember those dangerous games
that i played--
now it's time to pay back
all i know..is i abort to this drowning hurt
to take me in its arm
since no other is there to hold me tonight ..

dress and make yourself look pretty
so the world outside see how happy you are
to sleep with you, to make love with you
to kiss you like a baby
so what, if we are hurt?
all i know... that i have sold myself
to these statues of pain..

to those pictures of hurt..
people who come by, saw its beauty and left it
on its own..
and here i am ..
drunk in my intoxication
giving me pain every second, every minute
wishing i stop breathing
for a minute
and forget everything
that ever existed..

Dec 2017

where should i go
i am just an immigrant
like a bird
hugging the air

i am withered away
in this stormy weather
where none exists

bird of my soul writhes
but its unable to find its path
am i lost?
Or i am unable to see any face

tell me, my friend
where should i go?
just show me the path of love
and let me be your follower

i stay in one moment
and fly away in next..
where do i belong?
have i asked for too much
or i am intoxicated of you leaving me

listen to my call
i am here only for a short visit
what false could i do to you?
my destiny is beyond the borders
this path, that i am walking
does it take me to heaven
or i am too pretentious?

since this strange love keeps us accompanied
i have become a stranger to my own love
or these moment of loneliness have overwhelmed me

where should i go?
am i destined to reach to my path
or this path will keep on playing hide and seek
tell me, what traits do i possess?
have i been too much of a rebel?
since the time i met you
i have desolated my own
and became a caravan of lost

why do i still look for excuses to love, yet again
even though, i deny all the excuses
and this madness keeps me in company
asking me
where should i go, again?
but my mind tells me
to stop denying facets of love
and finally admit
the shortcomings of my understanding..

this peace has desolated from your heart
and there's no way going back.

tell me, my friend
what should i do?
where do i go?