words cannot describe
the surrealness
of discussing the future, holding the future, like a ball of ice
that will pinken your fingertips,
and in the moment you feel incredibly small.
when your heart ******* aches in the most melancholy way,
not sad, just
quietly startled,
seeing love around you, pressing at your temples
white hospital walls,
sore throats,
*** in cars,
passing through the front door at midnight,
cold blankets.
being the definition of a word.
hating the fact that I'm looking back at myself currently, through memories, and that this moment isn't even that good but i'll think it is later.
knowing,
just knowing
everything and nothing all at once,
and the pain of thought.

catsong
sunlight can flood in and move out
as much as it wants
but it has nothing on the metaphorical campfire in the clearing of the crowd
dust motes are highlighted through
the prevalent smell of beers and wines
constant conversations
and they eventually settle into a voice
that hugs the space behind your ears
and travels down to your heart, which wiggles it's toes in blood sand
and time is only measured by
an expansion of the ribcage.
i am yours,
you are mine,
you are what you are
and i realize that not every song is a love song,
but there still should be more songs about this.

dogsong
there are certain people that hold your heart in place
without realizing it.
1:02 am
and we are on the playground across the street,
blue eyes in the grey dark and the sky is orange from the city.
snow is falling in cliques of flakes holding each other,
and we catch them on our tongue under the street lamps,
that take them and mold them into fairy dust.
My knees are red and wet, we fall,
we spin on red plastic that i can't name and god takes our heads
and holds them in place for the time being.
we go home singing silently.
3:10 am
and i am convinced i know what true love is,
even though I know at the same time i have no idea,
besides what was held in that room.

On my left, the full moon cuts through the morning lavender sky
like a white razor on blue veins,
like a pale fingernail on cold lips,
like a perfect circle rubbed onto a fogged-over, wet window with a thumb.
On my right the sun is rising with angry shyness,
peach, magenta, ruby, pink atop the light teal horizon.
Like a red-haired girl blushing,
like the color I dyed my hair a couple days ago,
like maybe whatever god is giving me a smile or a wink
because I didn't want to get up this morning.

like
ribbed-knit fabric,
when we put the old ribbed La-Z-Boy out front, "FREE",
and whoever picked it up
has no idea my grandfather died in that chair.
like holding my knees in the hot tub,
quiet, wet, baking tiles,
a certain safety in a room with only women,
and crouching in the water like a boiling dumpling.
shortbread cookies in bed.
mac DeMarco on the way to the doctor's office,
my love for you is so real,
separating from my body in a goodwill,
curly-haired boys and impossibly beautiful girls in the movie theater bathroom,
whipped cream on her nose,
the golden lights of applebee's, and then
like it's all over again.

music heard through walls,
the smell of sweet grass in the dual air
clicking, snapping, laughing.
it gets worse at night.
i break things
just to prove that i have the strength to;
you should not let me hold you so closely.
colossal,
my teeth are bare
i
don't drink the water, paint this enamel gold,
don't think about the weight of particles on your scalp
the bathroom floor smells like cherries.
i color my scabs with purple pen
and pull on pink, warm skin.
I was already a mess,
i was just a different breed of mess after him.
but control over my own gods
may be the best kind of therapy.

how do you forget
and forgive
someone who your own body reminds you of?

tea biscuit madness
running around my yard while sitting in bed
pushing on my teeth hard with my fingertips until they hurt
i hate to say the word "ache"
but my body is a voodoo doll left uncontrolled for too long,
and my seams are unraveling.
my chest is a glass
too small for the rose it contains
and although it's wilting
there's still a crack here and there

and tell me why I can't say "i love you"
without a hot, sick feeling rising through me every time?

tell me why i'm still here
tell me why i still think i'm needed