knives, blades, lighters
lying in my drawer
and there's few reasons
to refrain.

thoughts and words
lying in my head
lying to my head
I don't refrain for me.

I just can't stand seeing my pain **** everyone else.

why don't you smile?
a real smile.

why do you cry?
leaving me helpless.

I understand you're hurt

But am I supposed to forget myself
And coddle you?

Am I supposed to forget what I want
And follow you?

I understand you're fragile

So how am I supposed to go against you
Without breaking our promise?

So how am I supposed to tell you no
And only have an apology to console you?

You're hurting and you're breaking,
But I'm torn.
And I am determined
To stay together for you.
I am determined
Not to tear myself apart any longer.

I won't forget myself
I can't forget what I want,
But I will coddle you
And follow you
While I do what is best for me.

I won't break our promise.

its easy to forget
I'm only almost seventeen
I feel so aged
so worn.

he was the only reason
I was alive
and he knew it.

his love,
a ticking time bomb,
strapped to his chest.

I try my hardest
not to tie
my deadly self
around anyone else.

because when I detonated
I nearly brought everyone around me down too.

I'm ashamed
of the weight I put on your shoulders,
of the life I put in your hands.

I'm sorry you loved me.
I'm glad you escaped,
and we both made it out alive.

how am i supposed to keep you happy
while telling the truth to them
and keeping them happy?

how am i supposed to feel good about myself
when im compromising my choices
for your happiness?

how am i supposed to be happy
when im trying to do everything right
for everyone else?

there's a scratch on my left wrist
and it stares at me
reminding me
heavily
of the clearing skin around it.

never
have I
ever
won a game of innocence.

I tried to **** myself.

I'll never get back
the days I spent
drinking
cutting
smoking
drowning in hopeless fear

and I'm only sixteen.