I wait for you to unblock me, to unstop me, from feeling all this blasphemy. I wait for you to share the same feelings as me. I wait for you to like me, me, me, me. Me as I am or who I want you to see me. Either or the same girl blends well, bleeds great.

I post another picture, “ Love the life you live.” As I swallow the last pill.

Pillowed chest cavity,
Accordion to articulate the pressure in my clavicle.

A firm press to seep out the excess,
To access my insides,
To accept I’ll never be like those other girls.

To drape this weight along my neck, is too much to bare. I’d hand it off to you, but you’re not there.

Atlas

Pull at the seams
Knot up your dreams
Pack away the magazines

Your skin a thin sheen, stretched and smacked against your thighs

Your frame a sagging conundrum to be condemned by the click

Weight loss is a huge trick
The more you lose the less you, you are

I wish I could eat the smoke, snort the fog into the back of my throat
Engulf my lungs in dense thick black smog. The ache still stays

Today I tried to die
Wrinkled my nose up at life

It’s hard to forget the anger in your voice, that never left.

Tap out, tap in, tap into me
Holy water, maple syrup
Geyser of ecstasy
*** in me

Madison

How many times do you apply makeup,
Till the salty tears wash it away,
To cover it back up,
And as the tide comes in,
A new grief begins,
Today.

Mama didn't raise a victim

Do I have bad thoughts, or do the bad thoughts have me?

Sarcophogus filled to the brim
Rearranged alphabet
I let you in

Who closed the door, on the ark.

I'll end up like Noah an old naked drunk

I’ll share the sunshine with you, even if it’s behind a windowpane.

I watch my insecurities stack up,
Like the clothes on my chair,
They overflow,
Wrinkle.


And I continue to do nothing about it

I fell on my knees before my King

And when I told the universe it could take back my existence, I waited to be snuffed out like the candle burning on my bedside table. I wanted to feel like the dust I was to return to.

Body

Something comforting about how the gears grinds and clicks. Like you’re in control of what happens next.

Your death was like a blemish to the doctors, nothing an expensive cream and five business days couldn’t fix. But to me, your death was a wart that I’ve had since senior year, from the worry and the stress. I rub my thumb over it, to remember, to soothe, to hurt, to heal, to do it all over again. And again and again. You are my cycle, my scheduled grief. I rub my thumb over you and today I don’t feel a thing.

Glad I was there for you, when no one else was!
I screamed into the vast abyss of your heart,
Poets use the word, tired and exhausted,
So often,
But never using it in the context of the actuality of it,
BECAUSE WERE YOUNG AND STUPID AND BEING MAD IS A TREND,
I fell in love with your sadness,
Before I fell in love with you,
And if that's not right,
Then I'm not sorry,
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired,
I want to STOP being me,
I can't stand the way people treat me,
No words could contain enough emotion,
That I contain inside my brain,
And it's screaming to get out,
Screaming,
Maybe it's just me,
Or maybe it's you,
The way I'll never be enough for you,
i don't even care about poetry,
I don't care about anything,
I just want to sleep

How many times do you have to say no for it to be considered ****? 1,2,3,4? Or only until after you’ve lost your voice?

A joke to choke on

Flightless bird with you, with him I always find the wind beneath my wings.

Oh negative, why won't you be positive!

Are you running after life, or is the after life running after you?

She said I’ve got a problem with parents
And I said what about when you are one
And she said I never will
And I said you already are

I thought about swinging from the rafters, shakey knees and creaky floorboards. Shaken mothers and crying kids. A rope to pillow my descent.

D&K
Would be my writer’s name
Published on the top shelf
Unreachable
Unreadable

I stepped off & I stepped out
The curtain closed & I with it
Swept up into the rafters to rest
A melodramatic sarcophagus

I have nothing to wear that covers up how much I hate myself.

People cannot be your medicine,
Look towards God, he is your bestfriend

He loves me not

You grow up

I wanted to **** myself, and you were screaming about the ***** clothes on the floor.

He swept her life up, and turned off the lights

You forgot about me. Or maybe you wish you could. I can still taste myself on your fingertips. Dance with your silhouette, feel the silk sheet aftermath. Turn the light on and laminate this holy ground.

fibers in the carpet, in between your toes
tickle the soles of your feet all the way to my room

24 hours to endure every last painstakingly long drawn out rewound memoried wound displayed across my brain. No matter how hard I erase, the pencil still leaves the marks on my body you left for me to remember you by.

24 hours to endure how my insides turned out that day. They’ve never involuted ever since, my core a prison I keep myself in.

אֹנֶס

I’d close my book, pick the prettiest font for The End. Dust to dust

The orange traffic cones follow me like ghosts, weaving up the highway. Trying to help me get home.

Home is a blurred side eyed view in the passenger seat.

He whispered, “ those are your organs”
I’m transparent  
    


As the tree

Frog


     We


Cut open


In   Bio

All those years back

Sleep to banish the sad, sleep to seep up the tears from my face, sleep to reap the benefits of death.

Your thighs or a drum set for Christmas. I’d devour easily with two extra packets of sauce. Save the planet and lick the plate displayed haphazardly across my lap.

I always wear my glasses on top my head, to think clearer.

I hope he gives you the future he promised me in pink

Shade and shifts and gears and grinding
Outer space, rocket ships,
Blasting off
O-zone

Your negative thoughts cannot touch me,
His love obliterates the hatred,
The numbness is gone,
What was once raging seas,
Is now calm oceans,
I think of Him and there is no depth of pain,
I am free,
I am wanted,
He pulled me into his arms,
Whispering, I love you kid,
The tears didn't fall,
But they sprinted,
I no longer look in the mirror,
And see you shining back,
Just me,
My blue eyes,
My pale face,
Freckles dotting a bridge across my nose,
Maybe constellations,
For a second a see a flicker of beauty,
My own doing,
Because if you can't be responsible for something you created,
Then you cannot take credit for its beauty,
The only father I need is in heaven,
Because he wants me dad, Matt, whoever you are,
I laughed on new years knowing you'd be drunk,
Still single,
Always mingling with the wrong crowd pops,
Like my mum,
You're just a crack in the side walk,
And when I say I don't care about you,
I'm not lying,
Anymore.

he said, “why you always playing”
as he slid his pawn down my chest piece
as he played shoots and ladders up my thigh
as every loaded die came to rest at my lower back
Snake eyes
as he royally flushed my self worth
as he cross the finished line with, “why don’t you ever let me score?”

he’ll hold my hand like the half dollar in his back pocket, worth something.
he’ll look at me like waking up on the wrong side of the bed isn’t an option, hazel eyes.
he’ll kiss these lips like an executive decision, passionately.
he’ll make love to this body like *** is the only thing between the lines, read them.
he’ll marry this life like I’m the only one in it, I do.