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they told me a few drinks
would help me forget you.
but long after my friends have taken my keys,
there's a burning in the back of my throat
that hasn't left since you did.
(s.j.b)
 Feb 2014 Madison Brooke
carmen
the moments in which we are happy
are worth all of those in which we are not
Happiness comes in blurbs

    cp
 Feb 2014 Madison Brooke
carmen
fireflies
moonlit skies
starry eyes
empty canvas
drowsy nights staying up too late
movie marathons
the temptation of closed gates
homemade cookies
faraway lands
questioning authority
taking a stand
building sandcastles
finding your home
giving up something
you never owned
A few days ago you asked me about college
And I told you the future was a ******* hole I don't want to think about
You said "I like that metaphor, or analogy or whatever that would be called."
I said, "All I know if college is a way for me to get out."
You then told me you wanted to go somewhere all across the ******* country
All of the sudden a million scenarios of us saying goodbye flooded me
This is one instance where I'd prefer to hear the pretty lies
That you'll never leave
And that our love will never die
I'm not stupid and I know that one day,
The memories of me will be a thing of the past
But just thinking about it
Puts into perspective that this will never last
Just ramblings...My boyfriend brought up college the other day and told me he's looking at a college in Oregon which is all the way across the country and it just made me really sad to think about the fact that once graduation comes, the "future" iv'e always been scared about won't be the future anymore, it'll be the present and that scares me and I don't want it to be like that. This isn't one of my better ones, just needed to get my thoughts out...
When I think of you leaving
I see hundreds of scenarios
And dialogs speed through my brain
In some of them, you're as sad as I am that you're leaving
In some, you pack your bags with angry words
But in every single one
There's a final hug,
There's me breaking down,
And begging you to stay,
There's you actually going
And leaving me all alone
You can't just make me fall in love with you
And then say, "Goodbye."
There's me wondering if you're happier,
There's always my paranoia,
I always imagine you meeting a girl,
I imagine you forgetting my face,
And my laughter,
Until I'm but a stranger
And that new girl is all that runs in your mind
There's me sitting by a phone waiting for a call
That I'll never receive
I see me being lonely and depressed
Because you took my heart with you when you left
Just expanding on all these scenarios I see of my boyfriend leaving me.. I'm just terrified of the day that I'm nothing but "A series of blurs like I never occured." as DCFC so beautifully put it.
There's a part of me
With fantasies of who I want to be
A part that wants to live my life,
Take risks,
Go anywhere, everywhere
Just to get away from here
Let go of my past
And my scars,
Start anew,
Learn new things and find what's true
Eat when I'm hungry
Then stop when I'm satisfied
Start a conversation with strangers,
Be a leader instead of a passenger
This is who I would love to be

But then there is who I really am
The part of me who's always ******
The girl who can't stop dwelling on the past
And is scared of the future
And she's not to fond of the present either
Always expecting another disaster
Who stays in bed all day
Only getting up to binge and purge
Who can't even do simple things without having an anxiety attack
Can't even use a phone, how ****** up is that?
Who'll never go anywhere
Because she can't escape the thoughts she has
She'll always be a follower
Forever a **** pushover
She looks in the mirror and hates herself
And that girl will always be me
My words aren't  graceful or eloquent
I've never been a good writer
And everything I want to say sounds inadequate
I can never find the right words to say
I could write volumes about you
But everything just comes out as a cliche
So I'll just listen to a love song
Because everyone's better at saying what I think
It's not unusual that you leave me tongue tied with no response
And everytime I try to string letters in a coherent  thought
I just get your name
Only your name
My whole life is a battle between heart and mind
And you always send them both
Barrelling in overdrive

Despite the hits my heart has taken
The childlike state hasn't died
The one telling me no one will hurt me
And that everyone can be kind
But i've built a cage around my heart
Barbed wire trying to stamp out feelings of love from the start

And my mind is no more reliable
The things it whispers to me always keeping me in the dark
Fear and sadness keep me rooted to the spot
Always replaying peoples cruel remarks
No end to the horrid thoughts tattooed in my brain

Somehow you've gotten through the barriers my heart has put up
And for some reason you deal with all the demons my mind has ingrained  
My heart wants to believe you when you say that four letter word
How you could love someone who hates herself is an idea my brain can't comprehend
I think it's time I let my heart free once more
And silence my brain screaming "You'll only get hurt!"
Despite the fact that it's only hurting myself
It's time for my mind to be reworked
And now that my heart controls my mouth I can finally say
"I love you too"
 Jan 2014 Madison Brooke
carmen
A constant stream of justifiable lies. Contorts what I want from my life.
What used to seem impossible is now my reality
but I'm not so sure I want it anymore
because it is different
so different than what I thought it would be

Is it worth the games I'm forced to play in order to dream?

Today is hard but tomorrow will be worse because I will wake up to hate
reflected back at myself

There are so many things I should do. There are so many things I should want.
Do we not define our own success? Each to their own version of happiness?

But all I keep thinking is
I shouldn't be eating
cp
Fear has been eating me up inside.
I'm a dancer who is  not sure she can stand another glance in the mirror.
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