I hate the fact
that I understand
why you love her
eyes so much
and I hate that I
understand why
someone would choose
anyone over me.
She is beautiful
and the only thing
slightly remarkable
about myself
is that I am in fact
a storm;
everyone is interested at first,
but they quickly flee
after realizing that I
carry too many heavy things.

I want you.
I don't want perfection.
You are the bliss
in my worst nightmares.
I don't care if you poison
my gut and think you aren't
good enough.
I still love you like crazy
but when it comes to soulmates
I think you're mine and you
think she is yours
so I am left here alone,
loving someone who loves another,
wondering if my life will become
a series of almost having
the best things in life.
I know you say I deserve
the world but no one
wants to give it to me.
I do love you,
and I can't believe
you are gone
but still here;
you will always be present in my soul.

Hearing your voice for the first time
in 10 months killed me.
It did not help
that the subject matter
was you leaving me
and loving her,
but still loving me.
So I guess that's how
I learned that I love
you more than I ever realized
because I want you to be happy
even if it doesn't come from me.
And I guess we all live our lives
loving people
who may or may not
love us in return
the same way we love them.

Tonight, I cannot sleep.
I lay awake in a hotel bed
overlooking an airport,
Wishing I could board one
of the planes that is lucky
enough to get closer to you.
All the racing thoughts in
my mind are about ticket prices,
savings, the future, our future,
and when I can get to you.
But baby, I wouldn't stay up
in to the morning
trying to comprehend how to
fill in the miles between us.
If I did not believe that you
are in fact the best thing,
the single greatest person,
to ever enter my life.
No airline ticket or
number of miles can change that.
However, I still need to get to you
so that one night I may not
think about numbers and miles and tickets and how much I love you
and instead think about how much I love you and how comforting it is to be able to sleep in the arms
of the only man I can ever imagine loving.

And today is the day
I began to truly believe
There was no God.
I prayed to Him
Last night and begged that
I may hold your love
For eternity.
But here I am
Broken and without
Once again considering
dragging a blade across my
skin and realizing
You will never know the
Birthmark on my side
As you know the way
Her hair looks at 2 am.
And today,
I believe there is no God
Because I have never been
This broken and hopeless,
Wishing so strongly for a brokenness to be fixed.

I do not know
how I am supposed to accept
that she is there and
I am not.
I will never be able
to accept that she has history with you.
I want you to be mine
and only mine.
However,
I have not always been yours.
So I guess that's how we all live our lives.
Constantly wishing we were someone's first
and praying to the sky
so that we may be someone's last.
Neither of us come untouched.
I love you,
and I will take you as you are
with more joy and love
than heaven itself can fathom.
Because, I would give up anything in this world
to be able to hold your love in my hands
for the rest of our existence.

Sometimes I laugh loudly
and then begin to sob.
My body shakes and trembles
and all of a sudden,
an instance of joy
turns in to all the pain I
have tried to hide
for so long.
I break down so
easily lately
because I am so scared
that I will die while
being alive
once again.