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Madeleine V H Jun 2013
How am I supposed to tell you
about my days
and be honest with you
when I constantly fear losing you?
People leave each other in hell
and I need to know you won't
let go of my hand
even if the demons are holding me as well.
I need to know you will love me
even if I can't believe in myself,
and I need you to feel close
even though you are far away.
Madeleine V H May 2013
I often think about the day when my
beautiful 5 year old daughter begins to trace
the strange lines that are on her
mama's wrists and the day
she notices the white lines
on her mama's legs.
So the day she finally asks
what happened
the way children do,
I will tell her this;
Baby girl, sometimes life gets too hard
and you feel like you cant breathe anymore.
Sometimes you think that your tummy shouldn't rise up
and down anymore and that you don't
deserve to eat as much ice cream as you want on hot days
or that a boy doesn't love you so you
need something else to fill the emptiness.
Sometimes you give in to the mean voices in
your head and don't know where to go.
But baby girl,
when that day comes I will hold you
and protect you the way mothers should
and I will fight off all those demons
and make sure you know just how beautiful
you are.
I promise you, I will not leave
you alone in the dark and that I will take you
driving if you need that or bring you
places that make you feel whole.
And baby girl, if the day ever comes where
you think you can never win again,
I will drive us to the ocean that very day
so you can stand by me
and dip your toes
in to the biggest infinity
the globe has to offer.
We will collect shells and see broken
beautiful things
and the sand that is better with
other things
and on that day,
I promise you I will not leave.
And sweet daughter of mine,
I promise I will love you
no matter how bad things are
or how terrible you feel.
Because I never want you
to feel how I have.
I want to protect you,
I never want you to have to tell your
little girl stories like this.
But if you do,
I will love you.
There is nothing
in this universe you could do
that could make me stop
loving you
my beautiful daughter.
Madeleine V H May 2013
The only thing I can do is love you
and destroy myself.
But baby, when it gets bad outside
or the demons are shouting the names they gave you,
I will hold you until they are nothing
but a bad dream.
And the next time I think of destroying myself,
I will stop.
I will stop because of you my love,
your voice is louder than theres.
Madeleine V H May 2013
There is no limit to the things I would tell you
if you were here with me.
There's nothing I can do but wait for answers and replies
and there's nothing I can do but crave to hear your voice.
If I count to ten,
you will not appear beside me on blue bed sheets.
There is no force in this universe that could place me next to you
in enough time.
There has never been enough hours on our clock,
not enough laughs or memories.
These are things I desire to have infinitely with you.
There's never been walks on the beach or car rides or kisses for us.
I fear one day our clock will stop,
and I will be left wishing for infinite time.
Madeleine V H May 2013
Honey,
no matter how many indie songs I listen to
or how many times I think about
telling you I'm angry,
I still love you.
No matter how many times I get mad
and sit being my passive aggressive self
I love you.
Despite the fact that I connect with pictures about loss
and still use depressed in my description of who I am or
how I feel in counseling sessions or
that I make statuses about **** stigmas
I love you
and you have changed me.
So don't leave just because I tell you I feel lonely
or scared or sad.
Because baby, you cannot move away the mountains between us
or change the way Pangaea separated.
I'm here and you're there
and I have not yet found
a song about how passive aggressively angry
that makes me.
Madeleine V H May 2013
We are not defined by skype or video calls
or text messages or distance
and I won't let those things change us
or the lack of those things.
I miss you like hell
and I love you like heaven
but that doesn't change the fact that
this gets ******* difficult
or the fact that I get mad over nothing.
I know we are different and I know
this is worth it.
I know we seem crazy, insane, even unrealistic.
But I don't care.
I love you I love you I love you.
It's worth it because I know that someday
you will find the birthmarks that cover my torso and the scars
that cover my hips
and I will find out the way your spine curves and how your
voice sounds when you get out of the shower
and the way your lips part.
These frantic wishes fill me up
and swallow me whole.
My love for you saves me and sinks me
but when I'm down at the bottom, I find you
have not left me.
Despite the number of texts we send in a day or the
number of times I hear your voice
I will love you.
I will love you more than I hate the miles.
Madeleine V H May 2013
I do not know
how I am supposed to feel close to you
when you are thousands of miles away
and you don't even cast out your words
to draw me near.
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