Do I just sit around and wait for you
to be here again,
or do I find the you that's hidden in the darkest valleys
through which I would never travel for another soul other
than the man I love more than anyone else?
I must.
For you are that man.
I promised myself long ago
I would never let something beautiful leave.

In winter, more than just the cold swoops in.
The hard times,
the long nights,
the burning wood is something you must accept.
Although you sit in a tight ball,
wondering why you feel like this every year,
it doesn't change that this season reappears.
Christmas and New Years aren't times of celebration anymore.
They're simply mile markers of how far away the sunshine is.
but, the sunshine isn't spring anymore.
It's the joy that's seeped out of my very existence.
I hope one cold wintery day I awake and can find beauty in these simple things.
Yet, it's not that simple.
I've grown too fond of summer rain.

I woke up this morning with a reminder
that the broken is hard to fix.
Tiny pearls spread across my sheets,
broken away from their unifying whole.
I held them and I cried.
They were not significant before,
they mattered less than most things.
But in that moment,
they were you and me
and nothing is more important than that.

There's nothing in the world I would not say
or do
or anywhere I would not go
if I believed it could save us,
Even if it wouldn't,
I'd string my words up like Christmas lights an give them to you,
to help brighten your world.
But I cannot give you anything
or be near you
or grab you and shake you or scream
or cry in to your chest.
I am at the mercy of you.
You have the power to leave
in seconds and minutes.
But I would do anything in this world to stop it.
Why? What's the point?
Because you are the first person I've ever really loved
and the first one who made me believe I was special
and the only one who's ever believed in me
and the last one I ever want to love.

If I could,
I'd board a greyhound right now and get to you in
two days and two hours.
I'd tell you I was on my way and you'd probably cry,
cry the happiest tears of your life.
Then you would take me home with you
and keep me warm.
We'd just falls asleep in each other's arms.
But none of these things are possible.
I'd do this and more
if I could.

I could write novels on the way you make me feel,
filling infinite pages with your essence would be a simple task.
I'd struggle only with the way to word perfection and the way your eyes gleam
as well as describing the ways your smile makes me weak.
You are so **** far away and I miss the sound of your voice
with the frequency of the tides hitting the shore.
But despite the tilt of the earth, time zones, interstates, and state borders
that keep me away from my home, I still feel close to you.
I could reach my arm across the bed and almost feel like you are here.
I wake up in the middle of the night,
expecting the body I have never even slept with to be here protecting me.
I know you are, just not physically.
You cannot be in my region of time and space
and I cannot be in yours.
None of these boundaries can keep me from you,
we both refuse to let them.
But every single moment I do something new or see something beautiful
or blink
or breathe
I miss you.
My fingers curl against my palm and my hands ache,
I reach out for you.
I wake up once more and experience the biggest disappointment I could imagine.
You still cannot be here and I still cannot be there.
So for now, I'll hold you in my heart that keeps my blood circulating
and where you have purchased your retirement home.
I will let you reside in my heart and soul because you cared enough to tear
down the wall, brick by brick.
When we come together,
I will not waste another moment.
I will hold you tight and tell you I love you.
Even after I have found out the definition to your perfection,
I will sty and I will love you for a lifetime.
I know you will keep redefining it as you have redefined my life, soul, and heart.
I'll hold you soon enough.
But for now, know I love you
and that I will not return the keys to the space I occupy in your heart.

As I sit down to learn the rules of the road and when to turn and yield,
you send me on a crash course.
My face goes from normal to flushed in less than a second and you sit
as if nothing had ever happened between us,
as if you hadn't hit the breaks every time our moment began.
You treat me like a turn you cannot make and I wait to catch you staring
like you always have.
Truthfully, I won't let you come back in.
You have gotten too good at sneaking up on me from my blind spot
and I will not let you **** me again.