i can't tell if im moving on or just numb

i just know i cant feel my heart anymore

and im trying to figure out if feeling nothing is better than
feeling everything

because i forgot how to fall in love

but i forgot the sting of heartbreak too

beggars cant be choosers,
not in this life

I only wish my first love would have been myself

it's been so long since we've spoken
and experience tells me i should be over it by now

i know the tears should have dried sometime around six months
and i know i should have been able to shake the memories off for sure by a year

but the months creep on and i still feel your absence like you left yesterday
my own nightmares tell me that we've spent more time apart then together now
i don't care to admit how that burns going down my throat

i think about you more than i want to admit
and i don't tell anyone
because i know what they would say

i almost wish you would have taken the last pieces of my heart behind and crushed them like the others
because it's more painful to rebuild than to start from scratch
the broken pieces poke and tear against the walls of my chest
until i know for sure
that your absence wasn't just inconvenient

it almost destroyed me from the inside out

your memory haunts me in ways i dont even notice yet
my heart has scabbed over and been knit back together in all the places that you broke it
i don't wear the bruises you gave me like tattoos anymore

but there's something deeper that lies there
an effect that i can't name but can only attribute to you

my mind feels warped like it's been tampered with
like you've gotten inside my thoughts and changed little details
to affect the whole story

i mean who was i before you ruined me?
before i destroyed myself, what would my life have looked like?

i used to scrub my skin with scalding water and rough sand
i could breathe a little easier when the red turned bright

because at least that way, my skin was forgetting you

i changed my whole room around just so it wouldn't look
like it did when you were in it

i've avoided streets and corners and entire towns just to forget you

and last night i forgot the sound of your voice

i finally got what i wanted
so tell me why i feel so broken

eighteen years have come and gone

you were eighteen when you met me

i'm eighteen now and trying to remember me

eighteen years have come and gone
&
i know more about heartbreak than i do love