I Fell In Love With A Lie.
I Will Admit That Now.

Bravely
And Boldly
I Will

Step Out Into the unknown.

I Will
Push Hard
Enough To Break
My ******* Spine

I Fell In Love With A Lie.
I Won’t Continue To Fall.

pinning wine bags to the walls
another pair of puckered lips waking me up at 4am
coming home to *****'s dry pint
surrounded by pieces of my soul embodied
arms that go numb under half a night's sleep
bodies that move into each other,
unaware of boundaries
british accents, slapping and fapping
kissing secretly by a coffee ***
a dark room with that wonderful young sting
and grit of alcohol
on top of alcohol
on top of lemonade
legs kicking up, world upside-down
the consistency of blurred laughs, real laughs
the feeling of a girl or a boy
the warmth of being on someone's mind
this is happiness
this is what i've looked for
last year, summer, for a long time

You’re A Cool Girl
but there is a point
this weird point where i have feelings
i've been used and walked on
i can usually expect it

after your hand on the bottom of my soft-hole sweater
above my tailbone
your winking eyes
feeling like a princess (that i've never been)
you pulled my chair out
we had *****
in the dark

you pushed me over and kissed my mouth
I Love That You Exist*
and then you left
without a third thought

The way you look at me always ropes me back in
I try to stand on the other side
Avoiding your deep eyes
but regardless of how much I push
you pull
and i'm next to you
on the couch, on the armchair
I can see you watching me
yeah, I saw it all night
It's like there was no time lost
I feel like I'm 19
I realize I miss you
Your long lips, thumb following their lead
I thought I would die
Waiting to feel it all again
But I haven't died
and the chance never came
and I wait for a hard push
Against panels on the side of a house
For my legs to curl
as I'm lifted up
and we are secretly in love again
For a few drunken kisses

acid: four times
breaking bad: three times
cried: six times
drunk: fifteen times
embarrassed: six times
****(ing/ed): thirty seven times
hate(s): seven times
idiot: three times
****: three times
lonely: five times
love: nine times
sad: four times
***: five times
trust: three times

August 28th, 2012- January 27th, 2013


*-MJS

Three nights before
I was the girl with the ***** mouth
You kissed
Sloppy and fumbling
I let your muddy words in to stain my mind
The taste was pure and your backless eyes
Intoxicated me more than my drink

You were just a hollow silhouette of a boy
But I couldn’t see in the dark

*-MJS

I have not absorbed this part of my life in a long time
at least it feels that way
The unripe orbs of nostalgia have been
betrayed like myself
regretted like you
and forgotten unlike us
So easily bruised
Lost but unwanted, always tracked
on the screaming suffering, rip-cycling
ledges of cliffs
of that once famished mind
The night at Red Lobster
The hospital
The round about and confusion
They weren't famished
but we were

*-MJS

I forget your soft pulling mouth and below
the luring grin it holds

Your all-browned features,
and the way I drown in them

Prickly bubbles, breaking with warmth and steam,
splashing my insipid shins

Icy tree tears cuff below our newly sunburned eyes
onto the lips of my collar bone

I forgot how my underwear detained the chemicals,
took to the pool as blood takes to white
and became soaked
mopping and sticking to my skin

The furthest tips of my silver hair
like a mirror to the stars, curling on my shoulders

Now I get the shivers, I can remember those

But I forgot the senseless talk of the universe
we sat under and looked up

The winter wind scratching our bare summer thighs
and the crisp smell of your mother’s snowy garden  

Feet cold, they turned hot and carelessly running
to the playground illuminating the black, I forget

It was careless because I was with you
your russet body holding me in,
our toes always just gripping the verge

Undisguised

*-MJS

I didn’t want to leave the small room where our memories tinted the pallid wall
or my bed with the comforter that sent me dreams of you
tapering my legs, the visions pulled up and through

or your long veins that wrapped around me like a spiders silky coffin
holding me until the bad dreams were forgotten

the black and shy-green feathers watched us as we watched them
they spun and spun and blew in non-existent wind

I liked our late night paper plates and milk stained cups
I couldn’t ever get enough

I didn’t want the yellow shine to leak up my walls
but the sun came like clarity

and I realized a world outside my bedroom called

*-MJS

I want to lose two pairs of black glasses and my shoes
I want to tell the delivery boy that I don’t care how much change I get back
I want to ice the back deck and wet the chairs
I want to break a futon; feel taco-like
I want to paint my body, my friends body
I want to construct a bed in the laundry room with silk sheets
I want to neglect the shower for three days
I want to climb a roof and get lost in a corn maze
I want to leave my personal belongings in a plastic bag
I want to walk alone two miles to get a hot dog and meet a ***

we want to step in leaking toilet water
we want to play hide and seek in a dark house, discover an attic
we want to drink veggie burgers and wash them down with milk
we want to find a hat for a pickle and for one day wear only vests
we want to tailgate for napolean dynamite
we want to stay up late sitting on the flip side of windowsills
we want to spill everything and learn how to jump cars

they want to save taco bells hot sauce in paper bags
they want to build a fort with a closet door and some hooks
they want to dance all night, create a star shape with their legs
they want to “whod I come with? Ladies…!” just like rosie the riveter
they want to walk around telling the trees to be quiet
they want to move a couch to the from lawn and reside

*-MJS

In my broken boots
Walking through the dead red trees
With plastic bottles of eight dollar ***
That polaroid is all I have left

Walking through the dead red trees
I think of the ***** girl, the burnt house
That polaroid is all I have left
We only kissed because you looked like him

I think of the ***** girl, the burnt house
That place is not what it used to be
We only kissed because you looked like him
Well you left me just the same

That place is not what it used to be
With plastic bottles of eight dollar ***
Well you left me just the same
In my broken boots

*-MJS

My voice had been gone since September
(I remember the last days of when it was still intact;
I could use it, but it was damaged
It was the sound of peeling an onion,
Cut up, choppy, and coarse)
I eventually got sick of the struggle
So I let it go

But the other day, I called for you
And speaking is coming naturally again

It’s true; I do still love the sound of my voice
But it also brings with it a weight—
The chains on my ankles
(The chains from you, the ones
That starve me from my silent freedom)
They fade in as the hushed fades out

And I remember why I let my voice get lost

*-MJS