He pointed at trees
telling me their names
so I looked at him
like I saw
the future.



He puts his fingers
between
gum
and
lip
all the way down the throat.



His hands rubbed
my dead heart
pulsed
the sides and now
it sings
like it's in the
******* opera.

I ride the backs of rumbling bikes
and drink ***** in my bed.
Or play the same dumb songs
so I can speak the past.
I change my yellow hair
to red
in moments that sit still.
And I sometimes enjoy acid
in the tall grass
holding blue wolves.
I rip apart the drawing
because it stares too long
and tape it back together
but he never comes.

I tried to fill my holes with the appendages of others' bodies and at the time it was unclear but nothing was working. nothing. holes were still holy as ever-- just more noisy. loud. like one of those naked embarrassed stuttering confusion howls. and it was all a sound we all made together as I forced our jaws open just to watch them kiss and move. just to see my own civility get lost among the skins.

If I could visit us
on repeat, I would:

In the shower
and you’d tell me I look cute with wet hair

On your leather couch
and you’d bring me breakfast

Spreading out our arms
in the middle of the floor

Tied in your bedsheets
in the corner of the room

That same joke over
and over and over and over

I trace films and films, ***** straight
loose change on the nightstand
Friends smoking on the cold back deck,
some sticks to pass the time
When the music played so loud
at all those torn up parties
You were a new-found curse
We were a good song until we stuck

Still from this far side
I try to breathe,
and let go of that love
Reaching for feeling
I buried deep
way back and greeting death
Well we’ve come this far,
why can’t we rest

We saw butterflies and real evil
and the bareness of bodies
But once you jump off of that daunting cliff,
you just never come back up
I’m sure that there was more
to our overstayed goodbye
It was just too much
We hoped to drown, still swimming up

And from that far end
you try to leave,
to pick up this whole mess
And all those good ways you looked at me,
they’ve rightly been reset
And I’m still trapped here
So you go ahead




*Imitating "Gold Mine Gutted," Bright Eyes

I don't really think

I keep in mind

just how much

you broke my heart