Dear Lynda,                                                           ­                                                                 ­            Nov.8, 2001
     Hello.  
I am sitting here, Thursday evening and have decided to write you a love letter.  
Maybe you will receive this letter at a time when you need to hear the reminder that I do love you and I have for over 35 years.  
Even during those years when I was pretty mean and called you names but I know you forgave me a long time ago.
     Thank you Lynda for never giving up on life.  God/fate/genes/self-pity/chemical imbalance or who knows what dealt you with many years of depression and you never let it win!
    I love that you are aware of the joys, quirks, injustices, wonders, tackiness, miraculousness, agony, humanity and inhumanity of this soap opera we call life.  
You may not know why you are here but you always keep your mind open in order to catch a glimpse of a clue.  
Keep seeking.  
Keep learning.  
Keep experiencing.  
Keep loving.  
Keep on keeping on.

     Dare to love yourself.

     You are still here and you are just fine.  
You really are doing good.  
One life time to live is a gift too precious to take for granted.
     Lynda, I love that you have always been introspective.  
You have begun a project without knowing the outcome but always believing it to be regarded as a sacred duty.
     Never doubt that you are special.  
Never suspect that you aren't less than awesome!
     I love you, Lynda and I will learn to love you more as the years go by.  
You will do many good things and I am patting you on the back in advance.  
You possess an irreplaceable essence of uniqueness juxtapositioned with a most common simple humble low maintenance bologna on white bread life.
     I love you, Lynda and I love that you love yourself enough to read these words.
     I love you when you are too ******* yourself.  
I love you when you dwell on your problems.  
I love you when you ***** up and take the blame and eat the **** sandwich and face the music and learn the hard way and I love you when you get back up, when you swallow your pride, when you face your fear, when you accept the truth and when you are left with nothing to believe in or nothing left to feel.  
I love you despite everything and especially because of it.
     I love you, Lynda.
                                                          ­                                      Thank you for being me,

Love,
Lynda

I woke the boys up and had them get ready for school.
I went back to bed and smoked a cigarette as I heard Colton say he was leaving and that I was to remember that he wasn't coming back tonight after school but was having peewee take him to Russell, spending the weekend with his friend-girl Jennifer as he had done a few other times.
I reminded him he would be responsible for finding his own ride back
(but he knew if push came to show, ol' Mom would come get him as a last resort)
and I asked him if he wanted a ride to the school bus but for some reason, he said no.
I asked him if he wanted the cell phone, i had stopped paying his alltel bill because i couldn't afford it, so he shared mine most of the time but he said no to that also, which was out of character for him but i said "ok have a good day at school, love you"

and i heard the door shut


and my boy was never heard from again.
I am grateful that my last words were that I loved him, but gawd ****** why didn't i put down the cigarette and get my *** out of bed, open the bedroom door and walk 10 feet to tell him face to face with eye contact, with a hug good bye, what a good son he had been and what a unique spot he held in the family and with his siblings, his 3 brothers, his 2 sisters, "The Bratty Bunch" and what an honor it was to have been the one to be his Mommy, to give him a hug and take a just a few extra seconds of that morning to somehow make sure he knew that i knew that he knew that i've truly loved him for the 17 years, 11 months and 1 week we had spent together.

Lord of all things, whose wondrous gifts to man Include the shining symbols known as words, Grant that I may use their mighty power only for good. Help me to pass on Small fragments of Your wisdom, truth, and love. Teach me to touch the unseen, lonely heart With laughter, or the quick release of tears. Let me portray the courage that endures, Defiant in the face of pain or death; The kindness and the gentleness of those Who fight against the anger of the world; The beauty hidden in the smallest things; The mystery, the wonder of it all…. Open my ears, my eyes; unlock my heart. Speak through me Lord, if it be Your will.
Amen
~Arthur Gordon

I want colton back...
and
if i were to wake up from this nightmare
and
find that life is back to that day of sept 26, 2008
i would get out of bed
and
insist that colton take the day off from school
and
if i had been given another chance i would do it all so differently.

and
when he wanted me to buy him a grocery cart for $5
but i didn't want it parked in the front yard
making the house look all ghetto,
"oh what would the neighbors think??!"

i'd have let him bought it,
i'd have cared more about making my little big teenager boy happy cuz i dont care what the neighbors think,
the ones that want to judge, that is
....i am saying life is special cuz u only get 1 shot at it
and
you dont know when it will be over
so do the right thing right now
instead of wishing for a complete re do
on raising colton
...except the part where i bought him 40 big macs from McD's
and
hid then in the deep freezer
for him to find on christmas eve,
i was an A+ Mom on that day
and
that moment i'd keep as a part of his
life...

For: michael whithorn
LK
Lynda Kerby <newgirl676@live.com>




look!
im so in debt!
i cant get myself to clean my house!
im mentally emotionally and physically spent!
i havent been a good friend to you but
i tried the best i could
i know your heart means well
i am so ashamed at what ive become
i dont have another comeback in me
i am going to miss you
what we should have had
i have lost at this game called life
i will always wish you well
i wish it could have been me
i wish a lot of things
i wish there was a heaven for me to be reunited w colton
but he is gone
ive wasted this one precious life that he never got to enjoy
you cant handle me crying
i need a shoulder
i am not even mad at you
hate to see you waste your life w a loser like me
i know you hate me
i dont blame you
sorry the *** was good enough to keep you coming back
i set you back from your goals by many months
im just tired
i dont guess you understand that kind of tired
but its real