you say I don't respect you
and maybe I don't
but I definitely fear you
respect is a two way street
respect goes both ways
when you stop ruling with fear
and respect me
maybe I'll try harder to respect you

this is the result of you
look!
at this, at me!
this is the result of you
this is what happens when you
do as you do
these are the results of you

On your darkest night
you won't ever be alone
I'll be by your side
let it out, let it go
It's okay
to cry
you can let the river flow

opening my window
sitting on the roof
with my knees tucked to my chin
staring into the night
drops of rain falling all around me
the breeze reminding me
that I do feel
the croak of frogs down in the pond
chirp of crickets
stars hidden beneath a blanket of clouds
the pattern of the rain matches
the drops of my tears
people care
and this night is too pure
to be sad

I feel safe when I cry
like nothing could possibly bring me lower
than the moment when I let that first tear fall
I feel safe when I cry
although I am at my most vulnerable
I feel secure underneath the mask of hot water and salt
I feel safe when I cry
as if my body is rejoicing at my small slip-up of the facade
as if my body thinks the tears will heal me
I feel safe when I cry, for reasons unexplainable

it's hard to believe people love me
when I don't love myself
and once they are around me
there's no way they possibly can
because once I take the mask off
I'm no longer the "safe place"
they thought I was
instead
I'm the one who needs saving

I'm scared
for you
I could lose you
at any given moment
and I would never see it coming
and there would be nothing I can do to stop it
I'm scared
I want you to be okay
I need you to be okay
I can't reach you right now and it's killing me
you were fine an hour ago
and now you're not
And
There's
Nothing
I
Can
Do
I'm scared

for years you were bubby
and you called me *****
I didn't realize
that there would come a time
where you would stop calling me that
and would beg me to stop saying bubby
on the playground at school
you were always the older one, the protector
and I was the one you looked out for
I didn't realize there would come a time
where we would stop depending on one another
and become each other's enemies
we'd been through hell together
got taken away from our mother together
all we had was each other
so eventually there came a time
when we realized that we were allowed to be friends again
and became everything we needed for each other
just in time
for you to leave me for your next chapter

you see me
but
do you SEE me?
you look right at me
but does your gaze land on what's important?
or are you just secretly
looking through me
looking past me
looking beyond me
do you see me?

it's been me and you
forever
since day one
Now you're leaving

and I'm shattered

please
don't
leave
me











please

Anna is loyalty
now and forever
the one who will fill the void of silence
with her bubbly words
she is energy, intelligence, and spark
and she looks up to me like I hung her moon

Crystal is softness
drawing and music
she is happy no matter the circumstance
and will always try to brighten your day
she is full of sunshine and rainbows
and would do anything for anyone

Sean is strength
reliable and honest
makes me laugh when I cry
and has always looked out for me
he is goofy and silly
but will always be there when you need him

We don't always get along
but I know that I have my siblings behind me
when something goes wrong
we may not all be related by blood
but I would burn down the world for them

sing to me, sister
sing me the song that I like
she sings, her voice flowing
I admired it then, I miss it now
draw for me, sister
draw me a picture I'd like
she draws, pencil flying
I cherished it then, threw it away after
write for me, sister
write me a poem I'd like
she writes, thoughts racing
I read it thoroughly, but didn't understand

That she would be gone and I would have to learn to live on my own.

for the past few years I knew her
you could not see her skin
through the mask of her makeup
her skin painted smooth
every blemish concealed away
but suddenly this year
something is amiss
her skin; I see it clearly now
that her mask no longer exists
I see now for the first time
her skin is red and raw and rough
beautifully unique
what changed
to make her love her skin again?
And just how do I make myself feel the same?

When I sleep
I am at peace
I don't have to think
about you or them or anything
When I sleep
time slips too fast
and soon I'll have to wake
and I dread that moment
for when I sleep
I am at peace

I am smoke
rising above the flames that made me
rising higher still
over the ash that was too weak to withstand the fire
I am smoke
don't breathe in, I'll only hurt you
I rise above, until the pressure becomes too much and I simply
disappear
for I am smoke

I suppose in ways
you are like this splinter pierced through my thumb
sitting idle
just below the flesh
but blistering and red all the same
ready to cause pain at the slightest pressure

why not instead of stacking red
cuts up on your arm and leg
you stack words in bleeding ink
words to live by, to make you think
press the pen tip to your skin
and do not lift up the sharp thing ever again

of another's embrace
a familiar hand brushing my own
of physical contact
a warm safe hug
I am starved of another's touch
their skin against mine

to those who may need to hear this today:
please just stay.
just one more day.
until that day turns into two
and two turns into forever
because I promise you
things can get better, but they won't if you never
look for it
or wait for it
just hold on
just be strong
live each day like you're awaiting what's to come
but you must also not forget the hurt you came from
that's your reminder to look ahead
at the better days instead of the impending dread
so I beg of you
sincerely, stay
just one more day
until forever

"Why are you so stressed?"
because I've got an ever-growing list
running through my head
do this, do that, and don't forget you said you'd be here
and there
I'm overstimulated
not enough time to stop and think and rest
just go-go-go-go GO
clean this, cook that, babysit this kid, get that ready
I'M TIRED

twinkle, twinkle, little star
What a little liar you are.
told me that my wish would come true
if I made a wish on you
but twinkle, twinkle, little star
I'm still crying from afar

summer rain, warm wet air
puddles on the concrete
music in your head
rainbow over the mountain while the
sun shines through dark clouds
barefoot through the damp green grass
running, spinning, watching the lightning
hair falling in wet strands, framing your face
throwing caution to the wind
to dance in the exquisite summer rain

If you could time travel
you would go back to when you were happy
wouldn't we all?
yet you should keep your eyes trained forward
good will come when the bad gets bored
tally
tally
tally marks of life
you are falling, trying to matter,
but you should know you are enough.
you may never forget...and in a way that's good
remember the pain so you may thrive from it later
remember the hurt so it builds you back stronger
tally
tally
tally marks of life
you say you'll just suffer in the unknown tonight
but that's not what you deserve
you deserve someone to love you
never leave you
and if they do then you come back fighting
one will love you until death do you part
they will stay forever, locked in between the midnight promises
tally
tally
tally marks of life
these marks aren't ugly, they're you
they're YOUR pain, drawn on for those who hurt you
and when they scar you'll know you survived
and you will, over and over again, I promise
listen to Taylor Swift
even if it doesn't sound the same after them
Make your own sound, with your own voice
one that sounds just right, just like you
tally
tally
tally marks of life
pain means progress
I feel it too
but you cannot let it consume you
use it to be stronger, use it to survive
but don't use it to punish yourself
instead reward yourself
you deserve love as much as the next
eat before bed
it's not as okay as you think to neglect yourself
push people away to see if they pull you closer
and if they don't then they are fake
the true will love you despite your efforts
tally
tally
tally marks of life
go to prom, I'm glad you had fun
that dress was made for someone like you
someone who owns her scars and her trauma and hurt
someone who deserves the best but thinks she deserves the worst
that dress was made to help you see
you don't have to tan and curl and starve
to be beautiful
own your skin because it is yours and no one gets to tell you
you're not beautiful because you don't match their standards
tally
tally
tally marks of life
let me tell you
there is something worth saving under the dust
of your world ending everyday
I know because I see it in your words,
and others do too.
forget April twenty first
it still matters but you already apologized
you're still bleeding but you are stronger then a day on the calendar
you are stronger
don't let yourself be pushed into a hole
put down the shovel and turn around
you don't have to dig it anymore
remember the little things
like the color purple and the weeping willows (are we the same person?)
Dexter Gordon and the saxophone
remember those all because they are you
tally
tally
tally marks of life

I hate needles
but I want tattoos
enough to cover my entire arm
with nothing but words
meaningful words
I want to be read like a book
The kind with a mediocre middle
rough beginning
and crisis-averted ending
The kind with characters
you can't help but fall in love with
That's the kind of book
I want tattooed onto my skin

Thanks to my mother
she taught me to react first
without getting the full story
taught me that only one person's opinion matters
she taught me to rage first
ask questions after
she demonstrated, carefully,
how exactly to be a narcissist, and how to be good at it
same with how to lie and fake
she showed me how to drill people with endless unanswerable questions
and how to give cruel punishments when the answer wanted
was not given
She taught me to punish, not discipline, and yes, there is a difference
I learned how to show one face in the public eye
and don a different mask in private
she waved her baton of anger and hatred
all the while teaching me to bully people to get what I want
She taught what not to do
she taught by example
she demonstrated through actions
and thanks to my mother
I have to reteach myself
the things I should have learned instead

every tear that has streamed down my face
was crafted by your violent touch
was forged with your hateful words
was built around your narcissistic ways
every tear I made was made for you

tears of darkness come
but they
don't
stay long
they seem to know that they
are
not
welcome
and when the silence
echoes
they are gone

Tell me who to be

please

I'm tired of being who i am


I'm just tired

tell me what you see
when you look at me
of course you see the same thing
the same thing I see

of course you see the same
ugliness and darkness
of course you notice
the emptiness and worthlessness

of course you see the same
because there's no prettiness
no worth, no light, no fulfillment
Tell me how you notice the things you say you do!

the lovely
sitting alone
in the wondrous basement
with occasional flooding
wrists burning
heart brimming with sadness
yet you tell me I'm magical
and that you're grateful for me

I wish you knew the real me
because I am lost
and I am not enjoying the maze
I cry about stupid things
I flinch away from touch
because the only contact I know is violent
I try to fix others
but cannot fix myself
I lie
and pretend
to be more then I am

you say I know the secrets of the universe
but in reality I know nothing
I know only how to say words
and string them together to make something pretty
something that feels like a hug
from 26 days away
but in truth
they are nothing but words.

I am not marvelous
nor magnificent
and I am not all I pretend to be
I am less
I am lost
and you are lovely

the best flowers stems are coated in thorns
perhaps to prevent people from breaking them again
or maybe to warn people away, let them know they'll get hurt
but only the true will pick them anyway
and carefully brush away the thorns
no matter the pain that caused them
so just wait for the one who will take your thorns
and allow them to pierce into their own skin

I can go all day
happy and fake, knowing just what to say
but the second I lay down to sleep
the monster from under the bed
infiltrates my head
what if what if what if
how come how come how come
where are these thoughts coming from
they keep me awake and give me bad dreams
I just want my head to be quiet sometimes
as quiet as the darkness I call mine

just another quick write
before I sign off for the night
today I laughed
I loved
I learned
So I feel like that made it a great day
dontcha think?

the days are ticking away
someones counting, but its not me
every hour slips past
sneaking away until another day is gone
I hold my breath
In hopes time will still
but yet it speeds like its got someplace to be
I don't have many minutes left with you
its just
Tick
Tick
Tick
ticking away
And then you will be gone

I look fat she says
I feel so big
I comfort her of course
but then I look at her
her wrists are bony
she's tinier then me
doesn't she realize
how big she makes me feel
when she's tinier then me?

My mom was a drug addict
there was never anything to eat,
and when there was, there was no one to make it
My brother stepped up, cooked us dinner one night
he was five and I was four
he made us toaster strudels and grape popsicles
he had to push a chair to the microwave to reach
and we ate off the floor that night,
but we were happy.
we would take cereal from the mostly bare pantry
and bring it to our room to hide it
in case no one brought home food
My brother is my savior, my one and only protector

too
late
fateful words
reminds me what I've been too late for
too late to whisper I love you
too late to say no
too late to tell the truth
too late to erase a mistake
too late to speak up
too late to try
too late to give a hug
too late to think straight
too late to land
too late to stop you
too
late
fateful words

I extend my hand
and try to hold my fingers still
Will them into steadiness
but yet they tremble
and shake nonetheless
Wavering ever so slightly
that if you never looked you'd never tell
so most never tell

I can cry, and cry, and continue crying
But my tears mean nothing so I stop trying

I've stopped trying

you twist words that come from my mouth
you bend them into a sick shape
to match your will
you distort them until they fit
your version of events
You make things up
to make me seem like the bad guy
in your eyes there is only one truth
and it's the one you create from the words
you twist from my mouth

never have I loved another
never has another's lips brushed mine
though I have dreamed of it
never has another loved me
never will another love me
for I am too broken, too lost, too unlovable
I try to change to fit their molds
but what's an unlovable girl to do?

she fills the container she's given
she cannot create her own
she is a mess of tears and pollution
people's actions and words pollute her being
her tears cannot wash away the bad
the sun cannot reach the depths of her pain
most days are stormy and her waves roil and crash
on peaceful days she ceases to exist
evaporates
she wishes words skipped across her surface like a skipping stone
but instead they sink to the bottom most layer
the one that humans never venture to
when it rains it is the tears of others that she collects
she keeps them safe in her liquid heart
but she knows not where to put her own
so she lets them boil until they simply evaporate
into the uncaring air
she has no form
she is not but a water girl

weep, weep, my willow
let your tears fall, but never land like the branches
weep, weep, my willow
yet plant your roots strong and firm
weep, weep, my willow
look up at the sky through a kaleidoscope of green and life
weep, weep, my willow
but never lose sight of who you were meant to be
weep, weep, my willow
weep my willow weep

You rule with an evil golden scepter
Keep us pinned under your blackened thumb
Create angry reddened scars if we try to run
Twirl us around on your puppeteer strings
Cause chaos if we want to just be happy
Stir up unreasonable guilt with your *******
Call us names and bruise and beat us
Taunt and scream and never relent
Rage and rampage because you are a bull and we are the matador
this is what you do

why must we sacrifice our happiness
for yours?
why should we drop all we love
for peace?
why can't you just
let us breathe?

the people i'm closest to
never seem to stay
they always have to go away
and leave me behind
crying