last week
I grew out my nails
and then you screamed at me
and I dug them into my palm
until it bled
What did that accomplish?
Nothing.

just a girl with some demons
but they don't define her
Because sometimes she skips instead of walks
sometimes she laughs for no reason
sometimes she tells stupid jokes
sometimes she loves so hard it hurts
sometimes she purposely avoids her reflection
sometimes she sings at the top of her lungs
and she loves her brothers and sisters and friends
and sometimes she cries herself to sleep
and sometimes she complains about nothing
and she writes bad poetry
and she spends hours inside a book
and sometimes she questions everything
but she's just a girl

I looked in the mirror
and do you know what I saw?
a girl
She could use some work
But perhaps
I could call her pretty
You can tell in her eyes
that she cannot decide
whether she is too big or too skinny
But you know what?
Perhaps she could be pretty
She spends an hour a day
preparing her face so
perhaps she could be pretty
Maybe I should stop judging her
she's just trying to survive
she doesn't want to worry about
if perhaps she's pretty

I wish you would break me
quit hitting me just hard enough to fracture
and break me already
i'm tired of gluing the pieces back together
i'm tired of the lies
the makeup
the blinking away tears from my eyes
just woman up
and break me already

how can you look at me
and only see my flaws?
and feel the need to point them out
like I don't agonize over them
every second
of every day?
how can you tell me
that i'm less than
when i'm trying to heal
and make myself feel more than?

i'm scared that when I have kids
i'll parent just like her
or her
drugs and abandonment on one end
abuse and manipulation on the other
I don't know how to end the cycle
when I see myself in the reflection of both of their eyes

just once
I want to be called beautiful
I wont believe you anyways
but i'll want to
just once I want you to tell me i'm worth it
I won't trust you
but i'll try
just once I want you to see me
i'll pretend you weren't looking at me
but i'll know
just once I want to be told i'm perfect
flaws included
but I won't believe you

look at whatever you want
just not at my fingernails
bitten down to the quick
please

I know I shouldn't do it
but I do it anyway
lift it to my mouth
and breathe the pain away
breathe in the smoke of calm
its just a breathing exercise
right?

I look fat she says
I feel so big
I comfort her of course
but then I look at her
her wrists are bony
she's tinier then me
doesn't she realize
how big she makes me feel
when she's tinier then me?

I think of everything I go through daily
the hitting, the screaming
the narcissism, the manipulation
the abuse
and I think
Could be worse
so I end up being grateful that at least
I got food to eat and somewhere to sleep
a school to go to and siblings that care
I look at the bigger picture
instead of allowing myself to feel like a victim
because that mindset will get me nowhere
so I cope in silence and just be thankful
because it could be worse

on the outside I am happy
perfectly normal
I act like every single one of you
I dress the same way, style my hair the same
Every day
but if you peel back the many layers
that I have created to cover my true self
you'll find darkness and turmoil and weeping screaming scars
i'm tired of dressing and acting like you guys
I'm tired of pretending to be normal
when all I want is to slice open and let the pain bleed down the drain
till maybe I will be normal

I talk to him, biting back tears
He goofs off, makes me laugh
He comes in, late at night
Tells me everything, values my opinion
I vent to him, him to me
He doesn’t judge when he sees the real me
Keeps me sane, provides me humor
In a few months, he’ll be gone
Cap thrown in the air, waving goodbye
He’ll be glad to be out, but he’ll leave me behind
And I’ll cry every night, missing his voice
Missing his sturdy presence in my life
He’s someone to lean on, someone to cry to
But he won’t shed a tear, pretend he never has
But I’ve seen him cry, because I’ve seen him at his worst
Just as he’s seen me at mine
He’ll call when he’s gone, but it won’t be the same
Because there will be no more secret smiles
No more looks exchanged across a room
No more conversations made with only our eyes
No more secrets kept just between him and me
He’s been right by my side my whole life
And now it feels like I might die
Now that he won’t be there to make me laugh when I cry

never have I loved another
never has another's lips brushed mine
though I have dreamed of it
never has another loved me
never will another love me
for I am too broken, too lost, too unlovable
I try to change to fit their molds
but what's an unlovable girl to do?

I suppose in ways
you are like this splinter pierced through my thumb
sitting idle
just below the flesh
but blistering and red all the same
ready to cause pain at the slightest pressure

I didn't want to hate you
but you leave me no choice
I just wanted to love you
but you chose to leave me

I shed my name
my truth
my identity
I became someone new
just for you
to tear me down

I'll let you die happy
I won't tell you how you hurt me
I'll let you live in blissful peace
without the knowledge of my pain
you deserve to be happy
even if that means quelling my anger

means disgracefully bad
awfully vile
Extremely evil or cruel
Got me thinking
That's a good word for you

I wore long sleeves
to hide the scars
I controlled the amount of pain I was allowed to feel
to make up for the pain you caused
that I was not in control of

you say...
you're a bad person
you're a liar
you're gonna end up in jail
you're a thief
you're gonna be on drugs
you're ugly
you're just like your mom
you'll never succeed
well guess what
you're my inner voice

the people i'm closest to
never seem to stay
they always have to go away
and leave me behind
crying

i make up dumb excuses
like
i ran into a wall
because maybe secretly i want them to know
the real reason
behind the black skin around my eye

every tear that has streamed down my face
was crafted by your violent touch
was forged with your hateful words
was built around your narcissistic ways
every tear I made was made for you

We were sitting in the park
I was six, my brother seven
I love you, she told us
Our once-a-monthly visit
That she missed more then she made
I'm working hard to get you back
I'm trying to stay clean
So you can come and live with me
I never told her what I really felt
So here are those words now
I needed you to save me
I needed you to want me
But I guess the drugs were a stronger force
Then the love you should have felt for your kids
Now I live in hell
And I swear its all your fault

I blink, and I’m different
I don’t recognize who I see
I look in the mirror
At a face that is far from pretty
This girl, her eyes are sad
I look away in disgust
No love for her to be had
This girl, her face reveals hate
Hatred for herself
A common trait
This girl, she can’t stand to see
Her own face, without wanting to be
Someone else
I blink, and I’m different
I don’t recognize who I see
I look in the mirror
This girl, she is me.

I’m struggling, I need a way to cope
Glide through my skin like paper
Smoke into my lungs, sweet vapor
You can only see my pain through a microscope

I wanna die, wanna quit, won’t you stop at my limit?
Tough it up, stick it out, take a hit and cower down
Wanna drown, wanna sink, mind’s so foggy I can’t think
I lie and steal and sneak and fake, and worst of all,  I manipulate
I’m just like you, can’t you see? I’m everything you wished for me
Make you happy? Make you proud? I couldn’t do it, kick me out
I can’t stay, but I can’t leave, I just can’t seem to get away
Flip the script, turn the tables, happy endings are just for fables
Not good enough, ask me why? It's not because I don’t ******* try
You tell me to change yet I stay the same, you try to guilt me, cause me shame
When I scream, the sound is gone, because no one seems to catch on
I’m shaking, burning, my life in flames, I feel like ruining me is your aim
Between my knees, my head hangs low, the weight of the trauma you bestow
When I cry, you see red, your blindness to it left unsaid
I scream, I shake, I shout out loud, but your yelling always drowns me out
In my mind, I beg you to listen, but I cannot talk without opposition
In your eyes, there's no recognition, it forces me to start demolition
Destroying my body, my mind, my soul, my sense of worth long gone in a hole
When you speak, I dully obey, but never enough, to my dismay
I’m the bad one, sneaky, conniving, dying while everyone else is thriving
Lying awake, in my bed, just to make sure there’s nothing said
If I close my eyes, I’ll wake too fast, and nothing else will take me back
To my sleep, where I’m peaceful at last
You walk past, what have I become? waiting for a blow that’s bound to come
I sink, I drown, I gasp for breath, reaching for all that I have left
Right behind me, there's a Past, one that wasn’t meant to come back
When I leave, I’ll be the Past, the one that’s not ever coming back
You’ll moan and gripe and whine and complain, but I tell you, it's all in vain
Am I meant to read your mind? What you want is never clearly outlined
You love the ones close to you, but you don’t see anything wrong with what you do
When you’re happy, times are good; we laugh and smile, all is well
The sun will shine, the birds will sing, and for a moment, we’ll forget the sting

I live my life as a fake
Chameleon, blending in with my surroundings
Changing to your liking
You want me happier?
I’ll turn up the corners of my reptilian mouth
You don’t like the way I speak?
I’ll change the tone of my fast-flicking tongue
You don’t like me to have friends?
I’ll flick them away with my long, scaly tail
You don’t like the way I dress?
I’ll blur my colors with my ever-shifting scales
I’ll change
Again and Again
Until I’m the perfect image of who you think I should be
Until I’m confused on who I was before
Until I look more like you
The perfect little chameleon, me