I hate having good days
because it means bad months are sure to follow

my dreams are often twisted reality
a distorted version of real events
and sometimes predictions of future events
that later give me deja vu
but sometimes they are whispered secrets
of things I didn't know happened, or things
I didn't know I wanted
I never remember them, except in small snatches the morning after
but the nightmares resonate, every second after
and they are always always always my reality

makeup is an addiction
you get addicted to the way it makes you look
the way it makes you feel
and just like a drug your brain gets used to having it
and whenever it is gone there are whispers
Ugly...ugly...you need me...
until you relent
to the drug that is makeup

"Why are you so stressed?"
because I've got an ever-growing list
running through my head
do this, do that, and don't forget you said you'd be here
and there
I'm overstimulated
not enough time to stop and think and rest
just go-go-go-go GO
clean this, cook that, babysit this kid, get that ready
I'M TIRED

oklahoma is wild plums
rocky mountains and sandy hills, evergreens and deadened trees
snakes and bobcats, coyotes and deer
oklahoma is wild weather and cowboy hats
kids running barefoot and parents
drinking and going to rodeos, running into friends at the local wal-mart
oklahoma is cows at every turn
drought suffering red dirt and run-down houses
blackberries, museums and Indian heritage
oklahoma is watermelons and rattlesnake festivals
small towns and strong communties
oklahoma is home

summer rain, warm wet air
puddles on the concrete
music in your head
rainbow over the mountain while the
sun shines through dark clouds
barefoot through the damp green grass
running, spinning, watching the lightning
hair falling in wet strands, framing your face
throwing caution to the wind
to dance in the exquisite summer rain

a few years ago we had a baby goat.
one of twins, her name was Elsa
her brother Egor was stronger, healthier
she couldn't bear the cold wintry outdoors
so we brought her inside for the nights
she slept in a crib next to my bed where she would wake up hourly
like a newborn baby, cry for a bottle
I would get so frustrated with that goat, GO TO SLEEP.
one morning I brought her back outside like I did every morning
let her bond with her mother and her stronger older brother
She died that afternoon
and I had to carry her poor lifeless body away
while her brother grew up to be a strong, bouncing old goat
And I always wondered why life had it out to get her since the day
she arrived.

I know people just want to help
so why do I feel so pathetic when I reach out?

like a sad little rag doll
unable to cope with my own emotions

dumping my problems on someone else's shoulders
why does it feel so *****, so wrong?

I would feel upset if someone was hurting
and didn't reach out to me

I'M supposed to be the one to shoulder all the weight
the one to cry to

I hate it when I ask someone to listen
maybe it's because I don't feel worthy of someone else's time.

I would rather be dirt poor with a loving family
then live in this big expensive house of nightmares

I tried to get over my hate for you
the same way someone would get over
a phobia
Halfheartedly
and with the feelings of fear and hate lingering still
even after I tried to convince myself they were gone

you are the reason I flinch at sudden movements
the reason for the chills that shiver up my back
when someone comes behind me
the reason I'm constantly on edge
always on the verge of tears
the reason my self-worth is lower then dirt
why I believe I can never amount to anything
the reason I have trust issues yet
I give my heart up so easily
desperate for love I've never known
you are the reason the sound of an angry voice
can give me a panic attack in a matter of seconds
you are the reason I learned to read moods with excellence
and footsteps with even more accuracy
you are the reason I cannot love myself
and don't know how to love others
you are the reason I had to teach myself to be normal
because breaking down every day wasn't normal
not being happy wasn't normal
you are the reason I love school so much
because anything is better then being at home
you are the reason I am scared to death of having children one day
the reason I hate being left in charge of kids
you are the reason people get mad at me
for saying sorry far too much
after I had to teach myself TO say sorry
because you never said it to me
you are the reason I went to school with a black eye
the reason I cried when you slapped me
kicked me
pulled my hair
shoved me
hit me over the head with a paddle
YOU
ARE
THE
REASON.

do you know what its like
to wake up every morning
and be disappointed that your eyes open?
that your heart still beats
and there is still air going into your lungs?

if so I am so so sorry.

I'll be smarter this time
I'll hide the scars under a cuff of beads
bracelets and jewelry
shiny things I adore so much
because if you find the blood again
I won't hesitate to tell you the truth this time
that I've relapsed again
because you make me want to die

I had this nightmare
that I lived with a demon
it snarled and screamed
told me I was the reason it wanted to die
told me awful things no child should hear
told me that I made its life terrible to live
and that it wanted me gone
it was such a bad nightmare I started cutting again
but I never woke up

I take off all my chains before I shower
tear them from my neck, my wrists, my ankles
leave them in a discarded heap on the counter
while I get into the scalding hot spray
and scrub my skin until it is shiny and red
and the blood mixes with the water
runs into the drain
but doesn't erase my pain

you are wise-
beyond your words
you understand the world is seen
in only the way we wish to see it
something many will never learn.
you entangle yourself in a web of overthinking-
until you have realized there is no spider
there is no spider.
there is no word for not knowing what words to use
a plague that befuddles us all
the cloud is beautiful though-
and the day it becomes opaque will be a sad day.
Unrealistic is a mean word
meant to taunt you, bring you down
stay here, in reality, but let your dreams carry you
because the world around the fire is a dark place (except for the moon)
you must capture the light from your wonderful dreams
and paint them into something-
paint them into being!
think of a sparrow, blending in to their surroundings
and then flying away like a bird set free
when something approaches
you aren't a sparrow, you weren't meant to let your dreams fly away
at the nearest sign of danger
if they must fly, fly with them.
Words cannot describe how you feel
you feel too big, you are too tuned in to this world
the world has not yet created the words to explain
the big way you feel
so
eavesdrop at doors
nod your head only after you've decided
no IS an answer you get to consider
you will one day get to have a meeting of souls
and when it happens, take your dreams with you
let them flourish and NEVER let anyone tell you
that they're unrealistic
unrealistic fantasies aren't impossible.
But you know this
for you are wise beyond your years,
wise beyond your words.

I am peaches, the color purple and weeping willows
summer, pool parties and fireworks
I am roses, dark chocolate and cranberries
true crime documentaries and spicy books
I am mountains and rushing creeks
long runs and misbehaving hair
I am the scent of strawberries and watermelon jolly ranchers
huge libraries and rain
I am dandelions and volleyball
homemade jellies, pasta and long hot showers
I am photography, pencil lead and llamas
scrapbooking, gardening and shiny things
I am beaded bracelets, ripped jeans and hoodies
mascara and braids, bruises and scratches
I am all that I am

it's truly amazing
what braces can do
I went from a girl with teeth too big for her mouth
and large gaps between all front teeth
to someone a little easier on the eyes
and a little more confident
after four years
of metal, wires, pain and colorful bands

you twist words that come from my mouth
you bend them into a sick shape
to match your will
you distort them until they fit
your version of events
You make things up
to make me seem like the bad guy
in your eyes there is only one truth
and it's the one you create from the words
you twist from my mouth

lightning strikes-
when you speak.
you have the kind of voice-
that demands attention.
The kind that gives you chills-
as if the lightning had hit too close.
it makes your hair stand on end-
and your body overheat.
and soon after the lightning strikes-
the loud clap of thunder follows.

just as I was getting used to you again
it is time for you to leave once more
I couldn't help falling for you when you were here
now I must love you from a distance

It's not the falling that hurts-
It's the before.
when you're standing on the edge
That's when it hurts.
The fall is the most freeing part-
the weightless, unburdening float towards reality
and then with a SNAP
you realize that
The landing hurts too.

Thanks to my mother
she taught me to react first
without getting the full story
taught me that only one person's opinion matters
she taught me to rage first
ask questions after
she demonstrated, carefully,
how exactly to be a narcissist, and how to be good at it
same with how to lie and fake
she showed me how to drill people with endless unanswerable questions
and how to give cruel punishments when the answer wanted
was not given
She taught me to punish, not discipline, and yes, there is a difference
I learned how to show one face in the public eye
and don a different mask in private
she waved her baton of anger and hatred
all the while teaching me to bully people to get what I want
She taught what not to do
she taught by example
she demonstrated through actions
and thanks to my mother
I have to reteach myself
the things I should have learned instead

being lonely is different
then being alone

you can be lonely while surrounded by people
but to be alone is to be truly by yourself

and when you are truly alone
the worst kind of lonely sets in

tears of darkness come
but they
don't
stay long
they seem to know that they
are
not
welcome
and when the silence
echoes
they are gone

I wonder about you
Like what you're doing now
If you ever think about the five kids
you got taken away from you
Do you miss us?
do you try to find us on social media
just as I did you?
Was giving us up your biggest regret?
or your biggest relief?
Are you clean off of drugs?
Did you do it for my baby sisters that I never got to know?
Or did you do it for you?
Do you wonder, every day, what your life would be like
if we were there? Like I do?
mom, I wonder about you.

My mom was a drug addict
there was never anything to eat,
and when there was, there was no one to make it
My brother stepped up, cooked us dinner one night
he was five and I was four
he made us toaster strudels and grape popsicles
he had to push a chair to the microwave to reach
and we ate off the floor that night,
but we were happy.
we would take cereal from the mostly bare pantry
and bring it to our room to hide it
in case no one brought home food
My brother is my savior, my one and only protector

the pressure builds
straight A's, tons of awards
Top student, kind as well
take care of the younger ones at home
do the chores, manage your moods
keep you happy, while struggling on my own
so much pressure, I can't take it
it's
breaking
me

Yes, today is mother's day
I've read poem after poem
about how much everyone appreciates and loves
their wonderful mothers

I really wish I could be like you guys
write a poem straight from the heart
about how amazing my mother is
but

I'm afraid this is the best I can do right now.

I never blamed you.
Never.
How could I?
you were everything...
I spent my days waiting for you
to walk up the drive

You will never know just how important you were
are
I feel like I'm little again
waiting for you to walk up the drive
I missed you more then I realized
I needed you in my life to survive

And for that, you could never be at fault.
Never.

I just needed you to know
I never blamed you.
Never.

you are a soul scathed
as am I
but you deserve someone with more
more to give then just some broken pieces
you deserve someone with less
less mistakes, less untouched by sin
I will never be good enough for someone like you
someone so broken, yet so wholesome
I will never be good enough
I've come to terms with that.

you're making me crazy!
I swear,
just calm down before I lose
my mind!!!!

I feel safe when I cry
like nothing could possibly bring me lower
than the moment when I let that first tear fall
I feel safe when I cry
although I am at my most vulnerable
I feel secure underneath the mask of hot water and salt
I feel safe when I cry
as if my body is rejoicing at my small slip-up of the facade
as if my body thinks the tears will heal me
I feel safe when I cry, for reasons unexplainable

Loud, too loud
your voice rings in my ears
long after I have left
screaming, stop screaming
I can't hear myself thinking
about all the ways I can escape
quiet, too quiet
at least when you're screaming loud
I can feel something other than sad
you're just too loud

I think it's safe to say
that right now I'm doing okay
I don't feel sad
I'm not even mad
I'm not yet happy
but then again, I don't think I ever will be
I just think that right now I can truly say
I'm just doing okay.

I am smoke
rising above the flames that made me
rising higher still
over the ash that was too weak to withstand the fire
I am smoke
don't breathe in, I'll only hurt you
I rise above, until the pressure becomes too much and I simply
disappear
for I am smoke

On your darkest night
you won't ever be alone
I'll be by your side
let it out, let it go
It's okay
to cry
you can let the river flow

a yellow summer is coming
yellow tipped sun kissed clouds
drift just above a pasture of yellow waving flowers
summer is coming, you can smell it
in the warm air, still misty with rain
rain that dampened silky yellow strands of hair
and a gentle breeze gives hope
that maybe it will offer relief from the sticky yellow sun
a yellow summer is coming

I thought this one would be the same
I didn't raise red flags by the name
I read outside the lines, I am sad to admit
an hour later, realization hit
you weren't just talking about leaving this space
you were actually writing about leaving this PLACE
I scrambled to reread it, tried to decide
but all I found were more hints that I was right
I typed out a message, but I fear I was too late
I am certain you have chosen your own fate
your poems spoke of love, nature and pain
but it seems you felt your life was in vain
and I just can't help the thoughts that cross my mind
what if I had reached out sooner, been more kind?
you came to me when you were worried about someone
yet the amount of concern I had for you at that moment was none
you have left us stranded
I took you for granted
I don't even know if you're alive or dead
there is still more I would have said
I didn't even know you
but from what I knew
there was so much raw kindness and concern for everyone
but this was not kind, what you have done
curse all those who led you to do this
yet forgive them nonetheless
I will miss your name on my homepage every day
there was still so much more you didn't allow me to say.

to those who may need to hear this today:
please just stay.
just one more day.
until that day turns into two
and two turns into forever
because I promise you
things can get better, but they won't if you never
look for it
or wait for it
just hold on
just be strong
live each day like you're awaiting what's to come
but you must also not forget the hurt you came from
that's your reminder to look ahead
at the better days instead of the impending dread
so I beg of you
sincerely, stay
just one more day
until forever

all I can feel is your absence

"you look like how I used to know you in that picture."

I was ugly back then!

"I don't think you were ugly."

consolation or truth?

dipping your finger into
a pool
stirring up memories
good and bad
with nothing but your finger and your presence

unrequited
but you are kind, sweet
funny, you make me laugh
nervous laughter, loud laughter
REAL laughter
I could list your good qualities for days
for it has always been you
like how hard you try to be good
and how well you succeed at it
you love your mom even though she wasn't a good parent
you care for your family although they couldn't give you
the life you deserved
if I were to dream up the perfect one for me
it would be you
It would always be you
you being here has reminded me of that
you, with your heart so pure but yet so damaged
you, with your picky eating and goofy smile
but you can never truly see me
you will never be able to think of me as anything other
than as a sister, your best friend's little sister
and I can never tell you how I feel, how I think about you
but here, I can say
it
has
and will always be
you

dread
weighs
heavy
as
anxiety
grabs
hold
and
slowly
kills me

hey, little girl
you love to read and write
right?
well listen, little girl,
that will be the only thing that remains stable.
you'll put up your Barbies, pack away the dress-up clothes
take out your pink bows to never wear them again
hide the childish chapter books
you'll grow up; you'll realize
that your teen years will be spent fighting with your mom
So little girl, right now you must forgive her
Because listen, little girl,
you'll also hate your body and your mind
so you must learn to love them now, little girl
And, little girl, while we're on the topic
other girls seem prettier, yes
they will seem like they have it all together, yes they will
but, dear, darling little girl, they're as unglued as you
oh, little girl, you will run and chase the boys
and right now it's fun and games, but little girl
you must chase them for fun right now
before you realize they only want one thing, innocent little girl
you must enjoy the sweet friendships you have now, little girl
before they all become fake and filled with drama
Listen to my advice, little girl
I would know, trust me, I know
because I am no longer you, little girl
I wish I were you, little girl

weep, weep, my willow
let your tears fall, but never land like the branches
weep, weep, my willow
yet plant your roots strong and firm
weep, weep, my willow
look up at the sky through a kaleidoscope of green and life
weep, weep, my willow
but never lose sight of who you were meant to be
weep, weep, my willow
weep my willow weep

my heart dropped
only for an iron fist to grip it in panic
it started racing hard
I got uncomfortable, wanted to leave
tried to avoid you
tried to be positive despite the anxiety
but my heart dropped
all because I saw you
you don't drive the black truck with the silver accents anymore
or I would have known you'd be there
you
winked
at
me
and my heart dropped

don't you have a mind like me?
tell me tell me
is your mind like mine?
overcrowded with overthinking
overrun with overstimulation
don't you have a mind like me?
tell me tell me
is your mind like mine?