I have memorized a million things
about you, little one
like the way your pinkies
on both tiny, pudgy hands
are just the slightest bit crooked

the way you always brush your hair
messy, brown, and unruly
out of your face
so you can view the world
with those huge curious eyes

I have memorized the way you walk
each tiny little step
with your toes pointed slightly inwards
inside your favorite rain boots
with the tractors printed on them

the way you smile
that glowing, mischievous smile
with all your tiny white teeth
the smile that always reaches your eyes
because you don't know any other way to smile

I have memorized the way you say my name
my first and middle name, combines into one
when it slips off your tiny tongue
you say it with importance and need
I only love my name when it comes from you

the way you sleep
curled up tight into a ball
on your stomach
with all your legs and arms
tucked securely beneath your body

I have memorized every sign
that a nightmare is coming
so I can hold you tight
curled against my body
so you won't feel unloved

I have learned how to manage
your screaming, crying tantrums
how to say the right words to calm you
and the right tone to whisper that I love you
because I do

I love you, little one
from your smile to your eyes
your pinkies to your dreams
you are everything to me
and I know you best of all.

I'm sick of existing
i'm sick of feeling
I'm sick of not feeling
I'm sick of this life
I'm sick of my mind
I'm sick of bad nights
I'm sick of responsibility
I'm sick of everything
I'm sick

I failed you again
it's not the first time I've let someone down
it won't be the last
I can't even care about it properly
I'm too tired to feel
I wish there was more to say about it
I'm just tired of never being enough
of never being the person you deserve
I failed you again
and I can't even feel the pain

I don't feel anything
I feel that's better than feeling bad
I've learned to tune the feelings out
just wander around like an aimless zombie
doing as I'm told
saying what I'm supposed to
being what I should be
I don't feel anything anymore
I'm just numb

you should be prescribed by a doctor
as a soul healing salve
your voice is comforting
like cold water on a burn
just watching you exist
in your beautiful, intense way
heals everything that hurts
you are the person
I have always dreamed of knowing
and your smile is something so out of this world
that it makes me believe your claims
that you aren't entirely human
it is a light in a dark place
A cooling salve
on a burn
you are the best kind of medicine
the kind that you can't find
anywhere else
and the kind I don't deserve
thank you for healing me
time after time

people are divided-
inside the comment sections
people are divided-
inside their own families
people are divided-
by what they believe
people are divided-
by the tones of their skin
people are divided-
by their opinions of sin
people are divided-
by invisible borders
people are divided-
by their political views
people are divided-
by their choice to stand up or hide
and we are the only ones who can choose
to come together
despite the divide.

I've always felt lonely
but never like this
I just want a hug
a crushing, meaningful, never ending hug
and someone to whisper in my ear
"I get it. You're not alone."
I'm so starved
Of touch
I just want a hug
and a whisper
that I'm loved

I know that tonight-
sleep will not come easy
my mind is too full
of darkness, of thoughts
of words left unsaid
of scenarios to plan
but never follow through with
tonight, sleep will not come easy
and I will be sad when I wake.

I was okay for so long
I should've known it would go wrong

I relapsed
again
and I know that's not fair to you
after all
I made you promise
but I did it anyway
just to feel something
even if it was just a sting
just to see something
even if it was just red
I relapsed
I'm sorry

i'm just tired
and I don't want to be
i'm just hurting
and I want to be happy

sometimes
I just want to leave
no note
no warning
no goodbye
just me
gone
cut all ties
start again
with new hellos
just me
gone

Where is the key
you locked me here, for what reason?
let me go, I want to be free
tell me tell me what is the key
is it truth? would you like me to say
yes, I know I'm awful, ugly, liar, betrayer
is that the key?
is admitting these things what will set me free?
you locked me here
where is the key
please
I need the **** key
I just want to be free

this black feeling won't go away
it never leaves, wants to stay
oozes out of everything I do
and the sad part is, it's made of you
it tells me to hurt, says I deserve pain
it leaves its mark, an ugly stain
I can't even cry
and I don't know why
I want to
I really do
this black mark can only be erased by you

I feel like an intruder
imposing on my life
this makes sense when you see
that there once was a little girl who was happy
and then came along me
I ruined her, tainted her, intruded on her
she will never be the same
and my intrusion is to blame

am I the things you say of me?
I try to think that I'm not
that I'm more
that I am someone worth loving
but you are the loudest voice in my head
and I want to believe that you leave compliments unsaid
yet it's hard to think that way
when truth is all you seem to say.

tell me lies
and I'll trust you still
tell me truth
and I'll never believe it

my scars are beautiful, a map of me
like the one on my knee
from bad poison ivy
the one on my calf
where I was hit with a piece of fence
the one on my left eyebrow, dead center
my personal favorite, prominent in every picture
the one on my chest
from when I fell off my bike
each one is a story
each one is beautiful
scars are lovely

I take a stand-in my head
I plan out words I should've said
I wish I could stand up to you
but I stay silent and accept what isn't true
I believe the things you say about me
they cloud my eyes until it's all I see
One day I'll stand up tall
and scream until I finally fall
but it won't be because of you
it will be in spite of you

listen here-
you may have been the monster
under my bed
the thing I feared, the darkness at night
the panic when the lights went dim
and you may have been the monster in my head
consuming my every thought
shadowing my being
but my dear, you don't get to be the monster anymore
It's time for me to take a turn.
Sweet dreams.

sitting on a wooden bench
swinging my legs, knees scabbed and shins bruised
an old home phone pressed to my ear
"what snack should I bring, when I see you again?"

"ooh, blueberries please, mom!!"
"and can you bring my old stuffed cat? I want to see her again."

"Of course, baby. You can eat the whole carton of blueberries if you want, and Bella will be happy to see you."

I still have the old black cat with the orange burn mark on her shoulder.
Blueberries are still my favorite fruit.

Some things stay the same.
And some things will always change.
like how I never saw you again
except in pictures on your facebook
where you looked happy, healthy
with my baby sister
I'll never get to meet.
I miss you mom.
and I still sleep with Bella.
I just forget where she came from.

blowing bubbles on my porch
tiny fingers
with chipped purple polish
reach out to grab them
chubby face
surrounded by a halo of knotty curls
laughs in delight
tiny feet
shoved into little pink crocs
dance around in joy
big brown eyes
full of curiosity
admire the bubbles with a pure childlike happiness
that I can only dream of possessing again

the clock ticks forward
you think it's too fast
you want to slow it down
somehow make it last

Your voice wants to be heard
To be more than just air to no avail
Because it speaks truth
It is beautiful

sometimes you swallow your words
you forget to be loud
but your optimism shines through
even the darkest cloud

It makes people realize
That maybe
They're not the only ones

Make them look to the left and see you
Struggling too
Living
And laughing and crying

Those words are more than air
Because air can't possibly feel this much like a hug
Like the feeling when you finally find a tree
And you just embrace it

You're that tree Elena
Like the one from your poem
It was swaying in the wind
Letting life move it beautifully

You reach up like the tree too
And you dare to say that there is a way
Always

And are trees just gray?
No
They are so beautiful
And their colors are so vibrant and beautiful and poetry

you are a burst of color
amidst clouds of gray
your words bring joy
to people every day

You are not just gray, Elena, like you said
I think they're right there, always
Even if they're hard to spot
They appear at every smile you make possible
And every beautiful word you write

you give your advice
to people you don't know
you brighten their days
but forget to go slow

But it isn't your responsibility, dear
You don't always have to be the tree for everyone
Eventually it gets claustrophobic when there are so many things
That you don't get sunlight for yourself

you are an amazing soul
with a wondrous light
when life kicks you down
you put up a fight

dearest girl,
You deserve it
You deserve all of it
The sun
And rich soil
The love
The warmth of the hug
And a break from it

You deserve it all

I lie
I steal
I sneak
I fake
I manipulate
I'm not the person that you see
I'm only as much as I allow you to see
don't you believe?
that isn't me
you shouldn't believe
everything you read
I'm not
all that I appear to be

Love her.
With everything you have
Because she deserves it
Love her.

you have a light
that most could only dream of possessing
one that shines so bright
it could never be dimmed
you may be different then you were in September
you may have a monster who lives in your head
but you hold hands with him
because that's the person you are
you are beautiful
you are wondrous
and I am so lucky to call you a friend
Do me a favor
or two or three
Stop listening to Fred
and listen to Daizee instead
she will guide you
love you
hug the trees and dance in the rain
crystal hunt in the forest
keep your promise
fall in love
do the things you are meant to do
and deserve to do
I love you
and cannot thank you enough for
everything you have given me
Thank you

Sincerely
Thank you
for everything
For listening
For caring
for being an awesome person
please remember these few things
if nothing else
Live
Love him
it may be hard but I know you guys can make it work
I've seen it
you deserve happiness
you deserve everything
keep your light
and keep writing
keep living
and keep loving
Thank you for everything

I'm not really sure right now
but I think this is goodbye
for reasons I cannot control
I wish I had longer
there's still so much more I wanted to say
to do
to tell all of you
But you deserve to know
why I won't be posting anymore
or at least not for a while
I love you all
Every single 102 of you
and this may be goodbye

I'm dizzy
I'm dying
I'm craving
I need
I want it
can't have it
help me please
I'm sick
I'm smoke
I need i can't have
I'm breathing
I'm better
I'm lying
I'm dying
I can't see
anything but
I need

summer is supposed to be fun
freeing and flying, shine and sun
but my summers have always been wrong
while other's are short, mine are too long
my summer is cruel, locked up with nowhere to go
I wish I could explain this to someone, but no one can know
that I feel like I'm imprisoned on top of this hill
summers are a bitter pill

my body is mechanical
it does what it's told
it follows the rules
bends and moves and grows
my mind is a different story
it doesn't fit the mold
it is clay, soft and impressionable
words leave ugly dents
smoke clouds its memory
it doesn't work the way it should
it doesn't have thick walls and sharp angles
my body is mechanical
my mind is impressionable

Everybody is sad
and everybody is tired
everybody is broken
and I can't fix it all
I can't fix myself
I'm losing my grip
I'm sinking
keep up the charade
these people need you, right
but I can't I can't I can't
I can't fix you
I can't help you
the facade is exhausting me
can't you see it's draining me
I'M sad
I'M tired
I'M broken
I wish I could fix myself
the way I try to fix others

On the hardest nights
that you go outside
When you can’t breathe
Can’t stop shaking
And you look up at the sky
Desperate to feel better

For the vines to soften their grip
For the monster to hold your hand
And you see something brought up there
Something you didn’t even know you needed
A star
You
And suddenly
Your magic makes everything okay again
For a moment the blood stops pouring
Just to marvel at the brightness

But the star is all the way up there in the sky
And no matter how many time you shout how much you love them
They never get to truly know how much they saved your life
Sometimes even
They think that their brightness is too much
Hated

And they want to stop their beautiful burning
In fear that it is too much of something beautiful
That they don’t truly understand how beautiful it is
And that it can’t be too much

Dearest star,
You are never going to be too gay for us
Love is poetry after all
Love is all of your unfinished poems to your unfinished story
And just know that we love you
So so much

Just perfect

And I know,
Depression blocks that all out
It whispers everything you don’t need to hear
It tells you you’re not enough
But sweetheart
We are so lucky that the cloud moved
And that we get to marvel at you

so fold the paper crane
but don't you dare call it wrong
fold the peach paper
into a shape as magnificent as you
but don't cut it anymore
it is already stained red

and make people happy without losing your shine
glow as bright as your heart desires
you can please people
without losing yourself in their storm clouds
you are too bright a star
to dim yourself to their darkness

And of course, you may not be blue eyed barbie
but you are beautiful in your own way
you are a meteor shower
and believe me, that's so much better
a rare phenomenon
a magical occurrence

Every scar
Ever ***** up
Every tear
All of it
Is beautiful
and whatever you wish
just know you cannot be extinguished

I thought I was hearing voices, just a second ago
I laughed when I realized, because I should already know
I am not hearing voices, there aren't two or three
there is only one voice, and that's all there will ever be
the voice of you, like a snake
leaving broken bits of me in your wake
I can't lie and say
that I don't hear your slithery voice everyday
I don't hear voices, I swear it's true
the only voice I ever hear is the voice of you

I flinch at the sound
of a hand striking skin
because I know your name.
I shy away from raised, angry voices
because I know your name.
I learn to lie easily
because truth doesn't know your name.
I feel dread appear
in the pit of my stomach
the second you walk in
because I know your name.
and because I know your name
and everything bad associated with it
I
Know
You

first of all, lets appreciate the wordplay
on your names
That alone makes me smile
second of all, lets adore these three
thirteen year olds
who took the time
to make me smile
to pick me up when I was down
who reminded me I'm not a failure
no matter what my family thinks
Only thirteen, yet so incredibly wise
if only I could acquire their level of kindess
These three worked together
yet separately,
to make sure I was okay
to cheer me up
and to make me feel less alone
And for that, I can never thank them enough.
Thank you Elena, for your beautiful poem and relating words.
Thank you Eliana, for your wonderful poem, and your kindness.
Thank you Liana, for always being there for me when I need you.
Reminder: you may be thirteen, but you are wise beyond your words,
wise beyond your years
and kind beyond your responsibility.
I love you all
Thank you.

I've failed
in more ways then one
failed a test
failed a friend
failed at life
fail
fail
fail
I'm a failure
can't do anything right

fingernails dig
into my skin
just to feel
something
my brain is overwhelmed
too much at once
fingernails dig
into my skin
trying to tell myself
to take a breath
but I can't
and my fingernails
cause blood

shame
disappointment
I'm
A
Failure
heat crawls under my skin
stabbed my eyes
until I cried
screaming won't change
the fact I'm a failure
believe me
no one is more disappointed in me
then me

foot on the gas
engine roaring and humming
music blaring
you, in the passenger seat
my hands gripping the wheel
us, singing at the top of our lungs
"I'm sad in Carolinaaaa"
you, playing the air guitar
me, nodding my head to the bass
us united, a team again
you, looking happy once more
me, sad but singing along anyway
because I just like you happy
and I don't know when I'll get another chance
to see it again

depression is not your color
it doesn't look good on you
I can see the reflection
of depression wearing you thin
you're pushing everyone away
you're pushing ME away
and I am hating this so much
I don't know who you are
you aren't the goofy smile
and loud laugh I love
you're negativity, poison, betrayal
and it doesn't suit you
depression is not your color

we were supposed to be united
a team
us against the world
but you have betrayed me
I trusted you
so much
and I would have never done anything
like this to you
I guard your secrets with my heart
and you steal mine like they're yours
don't you care how you're hurting me?
haven't you seen how worried I've been about you?
you're not the same
the person I knew would never do this
I want you back
and the secrets you stole from me
I want them back

she is rain drops on tree bark
and sunshine in dark places
she gives chances to those
who don't want to leave
she places them in her shine
so they can see truth
she knows nothing but good
and light and music and art
she is you, evolved

she is the opposite of the one who resides
in the dark corners of your mind
the dark corners that glow eerily to life
only at night
the one who resides there
scrapes at your brain
with his long, crooked lies
he is medication uncurable
but not Daizee invincible

he whispers things into the corner of your mind
terrible things
guilty, guilty, guilty
but upon the arrival of the light
he can see through the fog
everything is translucent
and he whistles a new tune
loved, loved, loved
he now knows his time is up

no more will he pick at your skin
no longer will he cut at your identity
he has been replaced by an irrevocable light called Daizee
but she will not dispel him entirely
instead she looks at him
she sees him
she KNOWS him
she sees your whole life inside his eyes
but it's not all bad

and she knows no matter how much damage he caused
he cannot touch the one he lives inside
anymore
for now that she has arrived
she will protect you from the darkness
she is your nightlight
she is your rain
she is your trees
and she can never be reduced to a stump

so she locks pinkies with him
in a promise of a truce
for the sake of the one he has been killing
he stares into the beautiful light
he knows that he must stay
to leave would be to change you entirely
and you are loved too much with him included for him to do that
so he lives forever
not in darkness, but in the light of the one who saved him

Daizee

it's hard to believe people love me
when I don't love myself
and once they are around me
there's no way they possibly can
because once I take the mask off
I'm no longer the "safe place"
they thought I was
instead
I'm the one who needs saving

I'm scared
for you
I could lose you
at any given moment
and I would never see it coming
and there would be nothing I can do to stop it
I'm scared
I want you to be okay
I need you to be okay
I can't reach you right now and it's killing me
you were fine an hour ago
and now you're not
And
There's
Nothing
I
Can
Do
I'm scared

I woke up tired
thunder rolls
inside of me
and outside my window
the rain falls
steady
but my eyes are dry
for the first time in weeks
I didn't get any sleep
but the sky showed its anger
so it's okay

I don't want to notice
the way my hip bones stick out
I don't want to see
the hollow spaces between my ribs
and I don't want to look at
the way my shoulder blades angle sharply
or the way my collarbone protrudes
I don't want to notice
the difference
so please stop pointing it out

you called me
disgusting
because I lost
ten pounds
said hurtful
things
and acted
like it shouldn't
bother me
I am
disgusting

you see me
but
do you SEE me?
you look right at me
but does your gaze land on what's important?
or are you just secretly
looking through me
looking past me
looking beyond me
do you see me?