Life takes too much energy
Exhausted
all
the
time
Sick of it all
It's not the first time struck by an episode
Life is going average
Ok-ish
pretty boring
but
routine
is
key

O
C
D

Yes, life could be better
but we'll get through it
I know we'll get through it
because you told me we will
so we shall
hand
in
hand
Together

refresh, restart
wipe me clean so I may begin
all over again
make different mistakes
better mistakes
mistakes that might make me a good person
refresh, restart
turn over a new leaf
become a new person
with no connections, no hurt, no trauma
living a happy, peaceful life
getting rid of this failure I once was
refresh, restart

Tell me who to be

please

I'm tired of being who i am


I'm just tired

I havent been sleeping
I dont want to be eating
its getting harder and harder
to convince myself to
do the most mundane things
Im just so tired
tired in general tired of being
I just wish I could let go
this hold I have on this world is exhaustive
its killing me
I'm just too tired

I used to think it wasn't my fault
after all, you were the adult

but maybe I was to blame
maybe, just maybe, I should've had more shame

I wore shorts that were way shorter then my finger
but I didn't know your gaze would linger

I'd like to say I was just a kid
but 14 is old enough to know what I did

I was old enough to tell you please don't speak
I was old enough to stop being weak

The things you would say rattled my brain
and to this day, still causes me pain

I know now that it was my fault
I was the kid, and you were the adult

but I wasn't strong enough to tell you to quit
I kept it a secret I couldn't admit

And I will always carry that shame
for I am to blame

What
if
I
was
just

























Gone?

A puppet, me
A puppet, me
Look at my strings
LOOK at my strings
Aren't they pretty
Aren't they PRETTY
I am who holds me
I am who controls me
Follow their fingers or fall to the floor
Follow their fingers OR fall to the floor
I am who I have become
I am who I have BECOME
nothing but an ugly puppet, me
nothing but an UGLY puppet, me

I have lost my will to be
nothing excites me
nothing saddens me
I feel nothing where my emotions are supposed to be
I don't see a reason to even wake up from sleep
I don't find a point in trying to look pretty
everything bores me
I
am
not
HAPPY
I have lost my will to be
I just hope it is temporary

sing to me, sister
sing me the song that I like
she sings, her voice flowing
I admired it then, I miss it now
draw for me, sister
draw me a picture I'd like
she draws, pencil flying
I cherished it then, threw it away after
write for me, sister
write me a poem I'd like
she writes, thoughts racing
I read it thoroughly, but didn't understand

That she would be gone and I would have to learn to live on my own.

Pen to paper
Write
I can't
Fingers to keyboard
Write
I can't
Thoughts in mind
Write
I can't

Becoming an expert
in the intricate art of crying quietly
Tears dropping off your chin
without so much as a drip
sniffling without a sound
heart breaking without a loud shatter
crying quietly
because no one cares if you make a sound

Lies, deceit
truth stowed away
kept behind clenched teeth
and locked lips
all the while the lies spill
unbound, from desperate mouths
oozing out like honey dripping from
a liar's tongue
Lies, deceit

I need
I need
the only thought in my mind right now
Stop it, you're fine, fight the craving
Give me
Give me
Give me
My hands are shaking and my lungs are aching
craving
gasping for breath but air isn't what I need, I need, I need
I
Can't
Fight
I just can't
I can't think about anything else
it's consuming me
random shudders rack my body
hands clawing down my face
rocking rocking rocking
craving craving craving
needing needing needing
I need
I need
I need
help me please





















I need.

Grow up, honestly
Expecting me to apologize when those words have never left your lips
Truth be told, that's so hypocritical
And no, I'm not counting
"I'm sorry I busted your lip but you deserved it"
As an apology
At every tiny mistake I am forced to apologize
Whether I did anything wrong or not
But you, High Almighty you,
apparently have nothing to apologize for.
Grow up.
Honestly.

Yes, sure, let's pretend
Why ever not?
It's not like we don't do it all the TIME
Let's pretend like everything is fine
Let's make believe the scars exist only in our imagination
Let's just PRETEND
Pretend like we aren't broken
Pretend like we are still the same people
Oh, this is such a fun GAME
Let's pretend like you have some shame
in anything you do
Yes, I could play at this for HOURS
Make believing we love our lives
Pretending we have allergies instead of admitting we were crying
Please, let's PRETEND
I bet I'm just the best at it.

I spoke to a puddle and it spoke back
"Why, puddle, do you distort my reflection so?"
"Well, darling human, didn't you know?
You were never meant to see your face clearly.
God didn't make glass but he made sun and sand!
Yes, you, darling human, are the key to your own misery.
You created the very thing you hate!
That hated piece of glass was not something God would create!
That lying, whispering, vain-creating smooth reflection
Is not truly you!
That is why I distort your reflection so.
Oh, darling human, didn't you know?"

You are the color of emptiness and anger
You are not the sunshine; you are stormy weather
I ask "when will you love me?" and you say never
this isn't about knowledge, it is about power
instead of boosting me up you only brought me lower
I gave you my all, you took everything I had to offer
They always say "you must respect your Elder!"
but you have not changed me for the better
and yet you are nothing if not my tether

I Hate You.















There, I said it.

when I was five I just wanted to be grown
now that I am I wish I were five
with shoulders that are far too tiny to carry the weight bestowed
with a mind too worried about Barbies to care that I was hurting
with legs too small to walk the miles of life experience
with eyes that are only able to focus on today, instead of tomorrow
with a heart too pure and innocent to realize it's being burned
with sticky hands and sunburned skin
with scraped up knees and callused feet
with problems that are now so insignificant
such as, I don't know whether to pick pink or purple for my nails?
When I was five all I wanted was to be grown
I wish I would have known

I really do wish
your mother was wonderful
nurturing, accepting
with gentle hands and a warm embrace
I wish she didn't hit you
starve you, beat you, kick you out
I wish she was a good mother
so that you could be
I know it kills you that you're not
I know you want to be, maybe deep down inside
I wish your mother was good to you
so you could be good to me in return
so I wouldn't have to have anxiety
about ever even thinking about having kids
because what if I'm just like you? or your mom?
I just wish your mom was everything a mother should be
just as I wish you were
just as I wish I will be

The world spins around so very fast
gone are the days of my past

when I was young and free
nothing ever seemed to get ahold of me

then God placed two angels in my path
my love for them covers my life like a hot bath

soaking my world in loves eternal flame
with my 2 angels by my side
nothing will ever be the same

the universe could cease to exist
but my love for them will always persist

there is no force that could ever undo
the power of my love for the 2 of you

I promise you it cannot be done
for nothing could ever come before a
Mothers love for her daughter & son

All these fake girls
copy-paste clones of each other
of course I'm included
I'm the same basic model, copied over
because if you don't dress like them
act like them, do as they do
You're
"weird"
"queer"
"autistic"
"*******"
But maybe all those girls
who differ from the social norms
who express themselves in a way that screams "I'M ME!"
instead of a way that shouts "I'M A COPY-PASTE CLONE!"
just maybe those girls are the normal ones.
Just a thought.

You rule with an evil golden scepter
Keep us pinned under your blackened thumb
Create angry reddened scars if we try to run
Twirl us around on your puppeteer strings
Cause chaos if we want to just be happy
Stir up unreasonable guilt with your *******
Call us names and bruise and beat us
Taunt and scream and never relent
Rage and rampage because you are a bull and we are the matador
this is what you do

I refuse to call it home
I have never felt at home here in this hell
because you are like unhappy Hades himself
deciding my fate
Spindling my future in whatever way you weave
Deciding how I should stay and when I can leave
I feel myself melting away in these horrible hot hellfires
changing from who I once was to who you decide I shall be
So much so that I feel the need to punish myself
As if you have not inflicted enough hell
upon me

I'm so ugly they say
But it's just different when I say it!
It's just different when I believe it!
It's just different when it consumes my every waking thought!
Ugly Ugly Ugly!
How can they think that they're ugly?
How can they believe it?
How can it possibly consume their thoughts?
When
it's
so
untrue?
I don't see how they think of themselves that way!
I don't understand how they could EVER think that way!
It's just different because it's me!
It's just different because it IS true of me!
How can it possibly be
That it's different just because it's me?

******* dudes who only care
About their hair
They’ll smile at you real sweet
Tell you they love you, want you
Oh, you’re such a treat
All the while the knife they intend to end you with
Is tucked into the dark corners of their soul
Where you never would have thought to look
Whispering sweet nothings in your ear
Buying lavish gifts and telling you what you want to hear
Then they will just
Stab
Stab
Stab you in the back
Yet you’ll love him anyway
He gave you everything once
And you’ll be begging him to stay
But he’ll just leave because ******* dudes don’t care about you
They only care
About their hair

a day so many years ago
drawing with sidewalk chalk
chalk pieces left on the driveway
rain
began to fall
drawings began to blur and fade
chalk pieces dissolving
into sticky puddles
of neon orange, pink
purple and blue
swirling together
makes me remember
that there was a day
when I stopped going back out
with a piece of chalk in hand
to leave drawings for the rain to distort

hot tears
black darkness
lack of you
hollow feeling
shaking fear
lack of you
knowing ache
broken promise
lack of you
breaking down
sleepless nights
lack of you
ticking time
not enough
lack of you
where are you

it's been me and you
forever
since day one
Now you're leaving

and I'm shattered

please
don't
leave
me











please

you must
you must
you must trust your gut
don't
don't
don't ignore the feeling

I
love
you
is what you said
I ignored you, because why would you be talking to me?
you never say that to me
anyone
but
me
so now you're mad
I
hate
you
is said more then I love you
so why would it be directed to me?
I'm confused

One wrong move
One wrong word
An accidental glance
Unleashes the fury
Don’t take the chance
Don’t say a thing
Look away
Because the fury will swing
Relentless, towards you
Until you’re curled on the floor
And you won’t have a clue
About why the fury was unleashed on you

basically I'm not okay
I don't have the exact words to say
why I'm not okay
it just hasn't been a good day.

the world may be cruel but you have found a way to live
and that is the bravest thing you could ever do
and you find your peace in the love that grows
you
are
a
gift
as for the why
why should these people deserve you?
they shouldn't
if they don't look at you the right way
let you be who you want to be
let you fly the way you wish
then the only why you should ask is
why do I waste my time for those who are
undeserving of me?
you
are
a
gift
because you are
exquisite
it's okay to feel sad without knowing a reason
but find happiness without reason as well
they can keep throwing their rocks
but you aren't just any glass,
you are the kind that is unbreakable
unshatterable
you
are
a
gift
you don't have to be in the dark any longer
keep turning on the light
let it become you
until you are the light
because you are
But first you
must begin
your warning label reads
Too Good For This World
and you're not a waste of space
you
are
a
gift
so just Reboot, Restart, and try again
you mustn't burn the beautiful away
that's what the darkness wants
it wants you to strike a light
blaze it all away
but your name IS important
you ARE allowed to be visible
I see you!
don't listen to their fake words
put them last
because
you
are
a
gift
you will not be forgotten
just deep breathe in and deep breathe out
in a game of cat and mouse
you are the bigger person
So sit back up
straighten your crown
because you are not only a gift
you
are
royalty!

she is forged from fire in the Great Inferno
her flames blaze and rage
her anger knows no limits
and destroys all that she touches
ash appears where her fingers trailed
smoke fills her lungs and blackens her heart
she has tried to still the wildfire
but people aim matches into her heart
so she lets her blazing anger reign
she is long past caring who gets singed
the tears of others no longer puts her out
only her own can
she is incapable of making her own tears now
the heat from her own flames has dried her tear ducts
she looks around at the chaos and destruction
she knows that she has caused it
and that only she can stop it
but now her anger is the ash suffocating the ones she loves most
she is not but a fire girl

she fills the container she's given
she cannot create her own
she is a mess of tears and pollution
people's actions and words pollute her being
her tears cannot wash away the bad
the sun cannot reach the depths of her pain
most days are stormy and her waves roil and crash
on peaceful days she ceases to exist
evaporates
she wishes words skipped across her surface like a skipping stone
but instead they sink to the bottom most layer
the one that humans never venture to
when it rains it is the tears of others that she collects
she keeps them safe in her liquid heart
but she knows not where to put her own
so she lets them boil until they simply evaporate
into the uncaring air
she has no form
she is not but a water girl

why must we sacrifice our happiness
for yours?
why should we drop all we love
for peace?
why can't you just
let us breathe?

you cannot be blamed
for it was all you ever knew
and so you made it all I would know
and if this is all I know
perhaps it is all I can ever be

some people's footsteps are loud
they want everyone to know that they have entered
or perhaps they have no reason to hide
They strike the ground first with their heel
you can always hear them approach

but mine?
my footsteps are silent
I glide across without a sound
no one needs to know that I am here
I have reason to hide
I tread first with the pads of my feet
you will never hear me approach

you never asked for purple pajamas, but now you have two
you loved the water and the way it rippled
but now it taunts you
drowns you
you're afraid you won't be noticed
until you're gone
Like maybe
You’re
Just
There
And of course you say "I'm fine."
But all your words are screams.
Silent screams.
you hold in your tears because maybe you're worried
that they will see it.
And we all know what it's like to flail on your own
without somebody to hold your hand
So you question if even the air filling your lungs matter
but of course it does
and so do the cracks on your heart and the bruises on your skin
Don't just deal with it
Because
you
wonderful
       beautiful
                lovely
                                YOU
Matter!
And you ARE good enough
And you ARE alive
And your life is a song!
Where
            Do
                  You
                    Belong?
Here!

I had demons, yes
I had demons not bestowed by you
You weren't supposed to heal them, though
That's not what was expected of you

You, however
Were not supposed to build on them
Add more and more like they were your collection
You were not meant to cheer them on

Like it was your life's goal to see me consumed
I had demons, yes
Some not bestowed by you
But you only made it worse
by giving me all of yours too.

I came to this road
Seemed normal enough
but I wasn't ready to head down the split
I try to turn around
go back the way I came
but instead of the path full of flowers and sweet ignorance
that once trailed here
there is only an ugly black hole in the ground
If I turn back I'll get stuck in this rut
If I move on I don't know which road is safe
This one has a sweet scent and butterflies
But if you peer into the distance you can see the demons at the end
This one swirls with mysterious fog, dark, damp, uninviting
but you can see through the fog to the dim light

I don't want to make this choice
I want to turn back around
Why am I at this crossroad
Is never the question you should ask
Pick a road, head on down
Take the easy, or take the hard
But don't turn around and get stuck in the past

Escape the crossroads, even if its the last thing you do

of another's embrace
a familiar hand brushing my own
of physical contact
a warm safe hug
I am starved of another's touch
their skin against mine

I'm sorry
was meant to show heartfelt regret
never meant to be arrows shot
from a narcissists bow

I'm sorry
isn't supposed to erase what you've done
but merely to display remorse for your actions
It isn't meant to make you forget
these words aren't magic, only medicine

I'm sorry
isn't supposed to be repressed
swallowed and not followed by pride
It is meant to burst from your lips, straight from your heart

I'm sorry
isn't supposed to be repeated
until the words lose their meaning and their tune no longer rings true
because "I'm sorry" without change
is simply manipulation

So swallow your pride
Say it with your chest
Say it when you mean it
And mean it if you say it

I'm sorry

I can cry, and cry, and continue crying
But my tears mean nothing so I stop trying

I've stopped trying

you rip apart the seams of this family
you are a hurricane and we are the destruction in your wake
you are a wildfire and we are burned
you are an earthquake but you aren't the one rattled
you have caused mass destruction and singed everyone you touched
you hate us
you natural disaster

I used to think you could not break me
but now I see
every shard of me
you hold in your fists

they do not cut you as they should
but then, nothing ever cuts you as it should
does it?
I want to say I'm mad but I'm not

I'm just numb
I'm just done
I don't bear the weight of you alone
but yet I seem to be the only one who cannot cope

I wish things cut you as they should
and remorse bled out
and dripped onto everything you do
Like it does for me

but it never will
but I cannot blame you for having no guilt in your veins
but of course it's not your fault
so you just live your life without knowing

you broke me.

this house is my prison
these clothes are my stripes
these doors don't have bars but it seems like they might
I feel like an animal
I'm wearing thin
if I get out I'm not coming back in
Just leave me alone
I'm trying to break free
let go of this oppressive hold on me
this house is my prison
these clothes are my stripes
and I can't seem to make things right

fingertips
trailing through the clear crystalline water
feet
squishing through the lush grass
face
turned up towards the warm heat of the sun
lungs
inhaling the sweet, clean air
hair
blowing in the gentle cooling breeze
ears
listening to the wonderful serene sounds
heart
at peace at last

in the deep dark world
shadows lurk and shimmer and hide
monsters snarl and claw and bite
turn a corner and fall into a pit
leave your mind and get stuck
in the sticky black web of the dark world
your limbs are ensnared and your lungs are suffocating
the tendrils of the deep dark world won't ever let you go
the sliver of sunshine taunts and teases
it can melt the sticky blackness of the web you're caught in
you struggle and thrash and reach for it
but the deep dark world keeps pulling it away
but then a hand reaches out
pulls you closer
wraps you up in a sweet embrace
lifts you up to the sliver of sun
holds you there so it warms your face
in the deep dark world there is still
shallow light