It's not the falling that hurts-
It's the before.
when you're standing on the edge
That's when it hurts.
The fall is the most freeing part-
the weightless, unburdening float towards reality
and then with a SNAP
you realize that
The landing hurts too.

Thanks to my mother
she taught me to react first
without getting the full story
taught me that only one person's opinion matters
she taught me to rage first
ask questions after
she demonstrated, carefully,
how exactly to be a narcissist, and how to be good at it
same with how to lie and fake
she showed me how to drill people with endless unanswerable questions
and how to give cruel punishments when the answer wanted
was not given
She taught me to punish, not discipline, and yes, there is a difference
I learned how to show one face in the public eye
and don a different mask in private
she waved her baton of anger and hatred
all the while teaching me to bully people to get what I want
She taught what not to do
she taught by example
she demonstrated through actions
and thanks to my mother
I have to reteach myself
the things I should have learned instead

being lonely is different
then being alone

you can be lonely while surrounded by people
but to be alone is to be truly by yourself

and when you are truly alone
the worst kind of lonely sets in

Yes I have unfollowed you, I am sure you know why
You came to this site to be a predator and didn't even hide.

You know who you are
I will not release your name unless you push me too far.

Delete your account and stay off of this site
and if you don't I will expose you, so don't try to fight.

I am stopping you right now
this is something I will simply not allow.

tears of darkness come
but they
don't
stay long
they seem to know that they
are
not
welcome
and when the silence
echoes
they are gone

I wonder about you
Like what you're doing now
If you ever think about the five kids
you got taken away from you
Do you miss us?
do you try to find us on social media
just as I did you?
Was giving us up your biggest regret?
or your biggest relief?
Are you clean off of drugs?
Did you do it for my baby sisters that I never got to know?
Or did you do it for you?
Do you wonder, every day, what your life would be like
if we were there? Like I do?
mom, I wonder about you.

My mom was a drug addict
there was never anything to eat,
and when there was, there was no one to make it
My brother stepped up, cooked us dinner one night
he was five and I was four
he made us toaster strudels and grape popsicles
he had to push a chair to the microwave to reach
and we ate off the floor that night,
but we were happy.
we would take cereal from the mostly bare pantry
and bring it to our room to hide it
in case no one brought home food
My brother is my savior, my one and only protector

the pressure builds
straight A's, tons of awards
Top student, kind as well
take care of the younger ones at home
do the chores, manage your moods
keep you happy, while struggling on my own
so much pressure, I can't take it
it's
breaking
me

Yes, today is mother's day
I've read poem after poem
about how much everyone appreciates and loves
their wonderful mothers

I really wish I could be like you guys
write a poem straight from the heart
about how amazing my mother is
but

I'm afraid this is the best I can do right now.

I never blamed you.
Never.
How could I?
you were everything...
I spent my days waiting for you
to walk up the drive

You will never know just how important you were
are
I feel like I'm little again
waiting for you to walk up the drive
I missed you more then I realized
I needed you in my life to survive

And for that, you could never be at fault.
Never.

I just needed you to know
I never blamed you.
Never.

you are a soul scathed
as am I
but you deserve someone with more
more to give then just some broken pieces
you deserve someone with less
less mistakes, less untouched by sin
I will never be good enough for someone like you
someone so broken, yet so wholesome
I will never be good enough
I've come to terms with that.

you're making me crazy!
I swear,
just calm down before I lose
my mind!!!!

I feel safe when I cry
like nothing could possibly bring me lower
than the moment when I let that first tear fall
I feel safe when I cry
although I am at my most vulnerable
I feel secure underneath the mask of hot water and salt
I feel safe when I cry
as if my body is rejoicing at my small slip-up of the facade
as if my body thinks the tears will heal me
I feel safe when I cry, for reasons unexplainable

Loud, too loud
your voice rings in my ears
long after I have left
screaming, stop screaming
I can't hear myself thinking
about all the ways I can escape
quiet, too quiet
at least when you're screaming loud
I can feel something other than sad
you're just too loud

I think it's safe to say
that right now I'm doing okay
I don't feel sad
I'm not even mad
I'm not yet happy
but then again, I don't think I ever will be
I just think that right now I can truly say
I'm just doing okay.

I am smoke
rising above the flames that made me
rising higher still
over the ash that was too weak to withstand the fire
I am smoke
don't breathe in, I'll only hurt you
I rise above, until the pressure becomes too much and I simply
disappear
for I am smoke

On your darkest night
you won't ever be alone
I'll be by your side
let it out, let it go
It's okay
to cry
you can let the river flow

a yellow summer is coming
yellow tipped sun kissed clouds
drift just above a pasture of yellow waving flowers
summer is coming, you can smell it
in the warm air, still misty with rain
rain that dampened silky yellow strands of hair
and a gentle breeze gives hope
that maybe it will offer relief from the sticky yellow sun
a yellow summer is coming

I thought this one would be the same
I didn't raise red flags by the name
I read outside the lines, I am sad to admit
an hour later, realization hit
you weren't just talking about leaving this space
you were actually writing about leaving this PLACE
I scrambled to reread it, tried to decide
but all I found were more hints that I was right
I typed out a message, but I fear I was too late
I am certain you have chosen your own fate
your poems spoke of love, nature and pain
but it seems you felt your life was in vain
and I just can't help the thoughts that cross my mind
what if I had reached out sooner, been more kind?
you came to me when you were worried about someone
yet the amount of concern I had for you at that moment was none
you have left us stranded
I took you for granted
I don't even know if you're alive or dead
there is still more I would have said
I didn't even know you
but from what I knew
there was so much raw kindness and concern for everyone
but this was not kind, what you have done
curse all those who led you to do this
yet forgive them nonetheless
I will miss your name on my homepage every day
there was still so much more you didn't allow me to say.

to those who may need to hear this today:
please just stay.
just one more day.
until that day turns into two
and two turns into forever
because I promise you
things can get better, but they won't if you never
look for it
or wait for it
just hold on
just be strong
live each day like you're awaiting what's to come
but you must also not forget the hurt you came from
that's your reminder to look ahead
at the better days instead of the impending dread
so I beg of you
sincerely, stay
just one more day
until forever

all I can feel is your absence

you look like how I used to know you in that picture

I was ugly back then!

I don't think you were ugly.

consolation or truth??????

dipping your finger into
a pool
stirring up memories
good and bad
with nothing but your finger and your presence

unrequited
but you are kind, sweet
funny, you make me laugh
nervous laughter, loud laughter
REAL laughter
I could list your good qualities for days
for it has always been you
like how hard you try to be good
and how well you succeed at it
you love your mom even though she wasn't a good parent
you care for your family although they couldn't give you
the life you deserved
if I were to dream up the perfect one for me
it would be you
It would always be you
you being here has reminded me of that
you, with your heart so pure but yet so damaged
you, with your picky eating and goofy smile
but as six years my senior you can never truly see me
you will never be able to think of me as anything other
than as a sister, your best friend's little sister
and I can never tell you how I feel, how I think about you
but here, I can say
it
has
and will always be
you

dread
weighs
heavy
as
anxiety
grabs
hold
and
slowly
kills me

hey, little girl
you love to read and write
right?
well listen, little girl,
that will be the only thing that remains stable.
you'll put up your Barbies, pack away the dress-up clothes
take out your pink bows to never wear them again
hide the childish chapter books
you'll grow up; you'll realize
that your teen years will be spent fighting with your mom
So little girl, right now you must forgive her
Because listen, little girl,
you'll also hate your body and your mind
so you must learn to love them now, little girl
And, little girl, while we're on the topic
other girls seem prettier, yes
they will seem like they have it all together, yes they will
but, dear, darling little girl, they're as unglued as you
oh, little girl, you will run and chase the boys
and right now it's fun and games, but little girl
you must chase them for fun right now
before you realize they only want one thing, innocent little girl
you must enjoy the sweet friendships you have now, little girl
before they all become fake and filled with drama
Listen to my advice, little girl
I would know, trust me, I know
because I am no longer you, little girl
I wish I were you, little girl

weep, weep, my willow
let your tears fall, but never land like the branches
weep, weep, my willow
yet plant your roots strong and firm
weep, weep, my willow
look up at the sky through a kaleidoscope of green and life
weep, weep, my willow
but never lose sight of who you were meant to be
weep, weep, my willow
weep my willow weep

my heart dropped
only for an iron fist to grip it in panic
it started racing hard
I got uncomfortable, wanted to leave
tried to avoid you
tried to be positive despite the anxiety
but my heart dropped
all because I saw you
you don't drive the black truck with the silver accents anymore
or I would have known you'd be there
you
winked
at
me
and my heart dropped

don't you have a mind like me?
tell me tell me
is your mind like mine?
overcrowded with overthinking
overrun with overstimulation
don't you have a mind like me?
tell me tell me
is your mind like mine?

If you could time travel
you would go back to when you were happy
wouldn't we all?
yet you should keep your eyes trained forward
good will come when the bad gets bored
tally
tally
tally marks of life
you are falling, trying to matter,
but you should know you are enough.
you may never forget...and in a way that's good
remember the pain so you may thrive from it later
remember the hurt so it builds you back stronger
tally
tally
tally marks of life
you say you'll just suffer in the unknown tonight
but that's not what you deserve
you deserve someone to love you
never leave you
and if they do then you come back fighting
one will love you until death do you part
they will stay forever, locked in between the midnight promises
tally
tally
tally marks of life
these marks aren't ugly, they're you
they're YOUR pain, drawn on for those who hurt you
and when they scar you'll know you survived
and you will, over and over again, I promise
listen to Taylor Swift
even if it doesn't sound the same after them
Make your own sound, with your own voice
one that sounds just right, just like you
tally
tally
tally marks of life
pain means progress
I feel it too
but you cannot let it consume you
use it to be stronger, use it to survive
but don't use it to punish yourself
instead reward yourself
you deserve love as much as the next
eat before bed
it's not as okay as you think to neglect yourself
push people away to see if they pull you closer
and if they don't then they are fake
the true will love you despite your efforts
tally
tally
tally marks of life
go to prom, I'm glad you had fun
that dress was made for someone like you
someone who owns her scars and her trauma and hurt
someone who deserves the best but thinks she deserves the worst
that dress was made to help you see
you don't have to tan and curl and starve
to be beautiful
own your skin because it is yours and no one gets to tell you
you're not beautiful because you don't match their standards
tally
tally
tally marks of life
let me tell you
there is something worth saving under the dust
of your world ending everyday
I know because I see it in your words,
and others do too.
forget April twenty first
it still matters but you already apologized
you're still bleeding but you are stronger then a day on the calendar
you are stronger
don't let yourself be pushed into a hole
put down the shovel and turn around
you don't have to dig it anymore
remember the little things
like the color purple and the weeping willows (are we the same person?)
Dexter Gordon and the saxophone
remember those all because they are you
tally
tally
tally marks of life

Life takes too much energy
Exhausted
all
the
time
Sick of it all
It's not the first time struck by an episode
Life is going average
Ok-ish
pretty boring
but
routine
is
key

O
C
D

Yes, life could be better
but we'll get through it
I know we'll get through it
because you told me we will
so we shall
hand
in
hand
Together

refresh, restart
wipe me clean so I may begin
all over again
make different mistakes
better mistakes
mistakes that might make me a good person
refresh, restart
turn over a new leaf
become a new person
with no connections, no hurt, no trauma
living a happy, peaceful life
getting rid of this failure I once was
refresh, restart

Tell me who to be

please

I'm tired of being who i am


I'm just tired

I havent been sleeping
I dont want to be eating
its getting harder and harder
to convince myself to
do the most mundane things
Im just so tired
tired in general tired of being
I just wish I could let go
this hold I have on this world is exhaustive
its killing me
I'm just too tired

I used to think it wasn't my fault
after all, you were the adult

but maybe I was to blame
maybe, just maybe, I should've had more shame

I wore shorts that were way shorter then my finger
but I didn't know your gaze would linger

I'd like to say I was just a kid
but 14 is old enough to know what I did

I was old enough to tell you please don't speak
I was old enough to stop being weak

The things you would say rattled my brain
and to this day, still causes me pain

I know now that it was my fault
I was the kid, and you were the adult

but I wasn't strong enough to tell you to quit
I kept it a secret I couldn't admit

And I will always carry that shame
for I am to blame

What
if
I
was
just

























Gone?

A puppet, me
A puppet, me
Look at my strings
LOOK at my strings
Aren't they pretty
Aren't they PRETTY
I am who holds me
I am who controls me
Follow their fingers or fall to the floor
Follow their fingers OR fall to the floor
I am who I have become
I am who I have BECOME
nothing but an ugly puppet, me
nothing but an UGLY puppet, me

I have lost my will to be
nothing excites me
nothing saddens me
I feel nothing where my emotions are supposed to be
I don't see a reason to even wake up from sleep
I don't find a point in trying to look pretty
everything bores me
I
am
not
HAPPY
I have lost my will to be
I just hope it is temporary

sing to me, sister
sing me the song that I like
she sings, her voice flowing
I admired it then, I miss it now
draw for me, sister
draw me a picture I'd like
she draws, pencil flying
I cherished it then, threw it away after
write for me, sister
write me a poem I'd like
she writes, thoughts racing
I read it thoroughly, but didn't understand

That she would be gone and I would have to learn to live on my own.

Pen to paper
Write
I can't
Fingers to keyboard
Write
I can't
Thoughts in mind
Write
I can't

Becoming an expert
in the intricate art of crying quietly
Tears dropping off your chin
without so much as a drip
sniffling without a sound
heart breaking without a loud shatter
crying quietly
because no one cares if you make a sound

Lies, deceit
truth stowed away
kept behind clenched teeth
and locked lips
all the while the lies spill
unbound, from desperate mouths
oozing out like honey dripping from
a liar's tongue
Lies, deceit

I need
I need
the only thought in my mind right now
Stop it, you're fine, fight the craving
Give me
Give me
Give me
My hands are shaking and my lungs are aching
craving
gasping for breath but air isn't what I need, I need, I need
I
Can't
Fight
I just can't
I can't think about anything else
it's consuming me
random shudders rack my body
hands clawing down my face
rocking rocking rocking
craving craving craving
needing needing needing
I need
I need
I need
help me please





















I need.

Grow up, honestly
Expecting me to apologize when those words have never left your lips
Truth be told, that's so hypocritical
And no, I'm not counting
"I'm sorry I busted your lip but you deserved it"
As an apology
At every tiny mistake I am forced to apologize
Whether I did anything wrong or not
But you, High Almighty you,
apparently have nothing to apologize for.
Grow up.
Honestly.

Yes, sure, let's pretend
Why ever not?
It's not like we don't do it all the TIME
Let's pretend like everything is fine
Let's make believe the scars exist only in our imagination
Let's just PRETEND
Pretend like we aren't broken
Pretend like we are still the same people
Oh, this is such a fun GAME
Let's pretend like you have some shame
in anything you do
Yes, I could play at this for HOURS
Make believing we love our lives
Pretending we have allergies instead of admitting we were crying
Please, let's PRETEND
I bet I'm just the best at it.

I spoke to a puddle and it spoke back
"Why, puddle, do you distort my reflection so?"
"Well, darling human, didn't you know?
You were never meant to see your face clearly.
God didn't make glass but he made sun and sand!
Yes, you, darling human, are the key to your own misery.
You created the very thing you hate!
That hated piece of glass was not something God would create!
That lying, whispering, vain-creating smooth reflection
Is not truly you!
That is why I distort your reflection so.
Oh, darling human, didn't you know?"

You are the color of emptiness and anger
You are not the sunshine; you are stormy weather
I ask "when will you love me?" and you say never
this isn't about knowledge, it is about power
instead of boosting me up you only brought me lower
I gave you my all, you took everything I had to offer
They always say "you must respect your Elder!"
but you have not changed me for the better
and yet you are nothing if not my tether

I Hate You.















There, I said it.

when I was five I just wanted to be grown
now that I am I wish I were five
with shoulders that are far too tiny to carry the weight bestowed
with a mind too worried about Barbies to care that I was hurting
with legs too small to walk the miles of life experience
with eyes that are only able to focus on today, instead of tomorrow
with a heart too pure and innocent to realize it's being burned
with sticky hands and sunburned skin
with scraped up knees and callused feet
with problems that are now so insignificant
such as, I don't know whether to pick pink or purple for my nails?
When I was five all I wanted was to be grown
I wish I would have known

I really do wish
your mother was wonderful
nurturing, accepting
with gentle hands and a warm embrace
I wish she didn't hit you
starve you, beat you, kick you out
I wish she was a good mother
so that you could be
I know it kills you that you're not
I know you want to be, maybe deep down inside
I wish your mother was good to you
so you could be good to me in return
so I wouldn't have to have anxiety
about ever even thinking about having kids
because what if I'm just like you? or your mom?
I just wish your mom was everything a mother should be
just as I wish you were
just as I wish I will be