a day so many years ago
drawing with sidewalk chalk
chalk pieces left on the driveway
rain
began to fall
drawings began to blur and fade
chalk pieces dissolving
into sticky puddles
of neon orange, pink
purple and blue
swirling together
makes me remember
that there was a day
when I stopped going back out
with a piece of chalk in hand
to leave drawings for the rain to distort

hot tears
black darkness
lack of you
hollow feeling
shaking fear
lack of you
knowing ache
broken promise
lack of you
breaking down
sleepless nights
lack of you
ticking time
not enough
lack of you
where are you

it's been me and you
forever
since day one
Now you're leaving

and I'm shattered

please
don't
leave
me











please

you must
you must
you must trust your gut
don't
don't
don't ignore the feeling

I
love
you
is what you said
I ignored you, because why would you be talking to me?
you never say that to me
anyone
but
me
so now you're mad
I
hate
you
is said more then I love you
so why would it be directed to me?
I'm confused

One wrong move
One wrong word
An accidental glance
Unleashes the fury
Don’t take the chance
Don’t say a thing
Look away
Because the fury will swing
Relentless, towards you
Until you’re curled on the floor
And you won’t have a clue
About why the fury was unleashed on you

basically I'm not okay
I don't have the exact words to say
why I'm not okay
it just hasn't been a good day.

the world may be cruel but you have found a way to live
and that is the bravest thing you could ever do
and you find your peace in the love that grows
you
are
a
gift
as for the why
why should these people deserve you?
they shouldn't
if they don't look at you the right way
let you be who you want to be
let you fly the way you wish
then the only why you should ask is
why do I waste my time for those who are
undeserving of me?
you
are
a
gift
because you are
exquisite
it's okay to feel sad without knowing a reason
but find happiness without reason as well
they can keep throwing their rocks
but you aren't just any glass,
you are the kind that is unbreakable
unshatterable
you
are
a
gift
you don't have to be in the dark any longer
keep turning on the light
let it become you
until you are the light
because you are
But first you
must begin
your warning label reads
Too Good For This World
and you're not a waste of space
you
are
a
gift
so just Reboot, Restart, and try again
you mustn't burn the beautiful away
that's what the darkness wants
it wants you to strike a light
blaze it all away
but your name IS important
you ARE allowed to be visible
I see you!
don't listen to their fake words
put them last
because
you
are
a
gift
you will not be forgotten
just deep breathe in and deep breathe out
in a game of cat and mouse
you are the bigger person
So sit back up
straighten your crown
because you are not only a gift
you
are
royalty!

she is forged from fire in the Great Inferno
her flames blaze and rage
her anger knows no limits
and destroys all that she touches
ash appears where her fingers trailed
smoke fills her lungs and blackens her heart
she has tried to still the wildfire
but people aim matches into her heart
so she lets her blazing anger reign
she is long past caring who gets singed
the tears of others no longer puts her out
only her own can
she is incapable of making her own tears now
the heat from her own flames has dried her tear ducts
she looks around at the chaos and destruction
she knows that she has caused it
and that only she can stop it
but now her anger is the ash suffocating the ones she loves most
she is not but a fire girl

she fills the container she's given
she cannot create her own
she is a mess of tears and pollution
people's actions and words pollute her being
her tears cannot wash away the bad
the sun cannot reach the depths of her pain
most days are stormy and her waves roil and crash
on peaceful days she ceases to exist
evaporates
she wishes words skipped across her surface like a skipping stone
but instead they sink to the bottom most layer
the one that humans never venture to
when it rains it is the tears of others that she collects
she keeps them safe in her liquid heart
but she knows not where to put her own
so she lets them boil until they simply evaporate
into the uncaring air
she has no form
she is not but a water girl

why must we sacrifice our happiness
for yours?
why should we drop all we love
for peace?
why can't you just
let us breathe?

you cannot be blamed
for it was all you ever knew
and so you made it all I would know
and if this is all I know
perhaps it is all I can ever be

some people's footsteps are loud
they want everyone to know that they have entered
or perhaps they have no reason to hide
They strike the ground first with their heel
you can always hear them approach

but mine?
my footsteps are silent
I glide across without a sound
no one needs to know that I am here
I have reason to hide
I tread first with the pads of my feet
you will never hear me approach

you never asked for purple pajamas, but now you have two
you loved the water and the way it rippled
but now it taunts you
drowns you
you're afraid you won't be noticed
until you're gone
Like maybe
You’re
Just
There
And of course you say "I'm fine."
But all your words are screams.
Silent screams.
you hold in your tears because maybe you're worried
that they will see it.
And we all know what it's like to flail on your own
without somebody to hold your hand
So you question if even the air filling your lungs matter
but of course it does
and so do the cracks on your heart and the bruises on your skin
Don't just deal with it
Because
you
wonderful
       beautiful
                lovely
                                YOU
Matter!
And you ARE good enough
And you ARE alive
And your life is a song!
Where
            Do
                  You
                    Belong?
Here!

I had demons, yes
I had demons not bestowed by you
You weren't supposed to heal them, though
That's not what was expected of you

You, however
Were not supposed to build on them
Add more and more like they were your collection
You were not meant to cheer them on

Like it was your life's goal to see me consumed
I had demons, yes
Some not bestowed by you
But you only made it worse
by giving me all of yours too.

I came to this road
Seemed normal enough
but I wasn't ready to head down the split
I try to turn around
go back the way I came
but instead of the path full of flowers and sweet ignorance
that once trailed here
there is only an ugly black hole in the ground
If I turn back I'll get stuck in this rut
If I move on I don't know which road is safe
This one has a sweet scent and butterflies
But if you peer into the distance you can see the demons at the end
This one swirls with mysterious fog, dark, damp, uninviting
but you can see through the fog to the dim light

I don't want to make this choice
I want to turn back around
Why am I at this crossroad
Is never the question you should ask
Pick a road, head on down
Take the easy, or take the hard
But don't turn around and get stuck in the past

Escape the crossroads, even if its the last thing you do

of another's embrace
a familiar hand brushing my own
of physical contact
a warm safe hug
I am starved of another's touch
their skin against mine

I'm sorry
was meant to show heartfelt regret
never meant to be arrows shot
from a narcissists bow

I'm sorry
isn't supposed to erase what you've done
but merely to display remorse for your actions
It isn't meant to make you forget
these words aren't magic, only medicine

I'm sorry
isn't supposed to be repressed
swallowed and not followed by pride
It is meant to burst from your lips, straight from your heart

I'm sorry
isn't supposed to be repeated
until the words lose their meaning and their tune no longer rings true
because "I'm sorry" without change
is simply manipulation

So swallow your pride
Say it with your chest
Say it when you mean it
And mean it if you say it

I'm sorry

I can cry, and cry, and continue crying
But my tears mean nothing so I stop trying

I've stopped trying

you rip apart the seams of this family
you are a hurricane and we are the destruction in your wake
you are a wildfire and we are burned
you are an earthquake but you aren't the one rattled
you have caused mass destruction and singed everyone you touched
you hate us
you natural disaster

I used to think you could not break me
but now I see
every shard of me
you hold in your fists

they do not cut you as they should
but then, nothing ever cuts you as it should
does it?
I want to say I'm mad but I'm not

I'm just numb
I'm just done
I don't bear the weight of you alone
but yet I seem to be the only one who cannot cope

I wish things cut you as they should
and remorse bled out
and dripped onto everything you do
Like it does for me

but it never will
but I cannot blame you for having no guilt in your veins
but of course it's not your fault
so you just live your life without knowing

you broke me.

this house is my prison
these clothes are my stripes
these doors don't have bars but it seems like they might
I feel like an animal
I'm wearing thin
if I get out I'm not coming back in
Just leave me alone
I'm trying to break free
let go of this oppressive hold on me
this house is my prison
these clothes are my stripes
and I can't seem to make things right

fingertips
trailing through the clear crystalline water
feet
squishing through the lush grass
face
turned up towards the warm heat of the sun
lungs
inhaling the sweet, clean air
hair
blowing in the gentle cooling breeze
ears
listening to the wonderful serene sounds
heart
at peace at last

in the deep dark world
shadows lurk and shimmer and hide
monsters snarl and claw and bite
turn a corner and fall into a pit
leave your mind and get stuck
in the sticky black web of the dark world
your limbs are ensnared and your lungs are suffocating
the tendrils of the deep dark world won't ever let you go
the sliver of sunshine taunts and teases
it can melt the sticky blackness of the web you're caught in
you struggle and thrash and reach for it
but the deep dark world keeps pulling it away
but then a hand reaches out
pulls you closer
wraps you up in a sweet embrace
lifts you up to the sliver of sun
holds you there so it warms your face
in the deep dark world there is still
shallow light

the days are ticking away
someones counting, but its not me
every hour slips past
sneaking away until another day is gone
I hold my breath
In hopes time will still
but yet it speeds like its got someplace to be
I don't have many minutes left with you
its just
Tick
Tick
Tick
ticking away
And then you will be gone

tell me what you see
when you look at me
of course you see the same thing
the same thing I see

of course you see the same
ugliness and darkness
of course you notice
the emptiness and worthlessness

of course you see the same
because there's no prettiness
no worth, no light, no fulfillment
Tell me how you notice the things you say you do!

Come here and let me tell you a secret
Mother

...

Still can't bring myself to say it.

scream at me
and I will hate myself
manipulate me
and I will do the same
beat me
and I will cause my own scars
just speak to me
and I will listen and learn
all this extra is unnecessary.

I broke my mirror
stared into the shards and cracks
Look, that's more like me

Oh, I always seem happy
Thank you
I've had years
and years
To perfect my happy strategy
The right size smile here
A well placed laugh right there
Tears only released in the dark
That's my happy strategy

it seems the more I have to lose
the easier I am to bruise
because once you took everything I loved before
then there was nothing left to live for

this is the result of you
look!
at this, at me!
this is the result of you
this is what happens when you
do as you do
these are the results of you

when I smile,
know that it is
forced
when I laugh
know that it is
fake
when I cry
know that it is
overdue
when I scream
know that it is
powerless
when I die
know that it was
wanted

When I sleep
I am at peace
I don't have to think
about you or them or anything
When I sleep
time slips too fast
and soon I'll have to wake
and I dread that moment
for when I sleep
I am at peace

how come I'm forced to be happy when you are its not fair its not what I want to be I just want to scream!

spiralingg basically I'm not doing okay

shut your MOUTH
and let me speak
because when you SPEAK
I can't think
When you THINK
you don't filter
and when you don't FILTER
your words hurt
and when you HURT
you don't care
when you don't CARE
I want to die.

I hope that when you die

You'll get the best eternal life

But I hope you never forget

What you did to me.

dusting off shoes
flexing fingers
pulling up knee pads

twisting hair into braids
yanking at too-tight spandex
bending, stretching arms and legs

the smell of deodorant
icy hot and sweat
fill the locker room

Chant and cheer, hyping up
Squeak squeak shoes on the court
hands together, almost ready

stepping up, behind the line
Deep breath, one, two
Raise the ball, balancing carefully

upon delicate fingertips
arm comes back, deep breath again
Swing, smack, serve

Cheers as the ball soars over
that glorious net, ever teasing
Run, quickly, back into play

Pass it up so she can set
Set it up so she can hit
Hit it down so we can score

25 twice

Damaged Goods, Half Off
She's only slightly broken
No takers at all?

God painted her with a fine-point paintbrush
He took his time, slow and steady, absolutely no rush
So He could make her just right
But He left out sunshine to scare away demons dark as night
I know he meant to illustrate the rain
To wash away all her raw, bleeding pain
He was supposed to brush the storm clouds away
But He only finished her halfway
Maybe He just forgot
At least, that's what I was taught
No Father could let His child hurt like this
yet here she is

Oh how I want to scream in your face!
Say, Look at what you've done to this place!
Why don't you see all your kids fear you?
Open your eyes and see what we've been through!
AHHHHH I just want you to SEE!
Not just to see, but to WATCH me!
Watch how I shake when you start to speak!
See how you've made us all feel weak!
Look at you pretend like you did nothing wrong!
Well guess what! Now that I'm feeling strong
I will tear you down, limb for limb, word by word
Slice you open with the same double-edged sword!
You will DROWN in the same pool I've been sinking in
You will FEEL the consequences of the person you've been!
And you will know, without a doubt,
That these are the words I have always needed to shout.

Today is your birthday
So I baked you a cake
More then you did on mine
I cleaned the whole house, that's your present
Your present to me was a black eye and busted lip
Happy ******* birthday Mom

You screamed this morning
Now my makeup is running
Look. You ruined me.

Let me know when you're ready
Ready to love me like you're supposed to
Ready to bite back your mean words
Ready to show the world who you really are
Ready to support me no matter what
Ready to tell me its okay when I cry instead of laugh
Ready to not strike
Ready to not scream
Ready to stop pushing me into a career I don't want
Ready to say I hate you less then I love you
Let me know when you're ready to parent!

I don't want any of you to relate to me
Relating to me means you see
Right through my walls
Inside my brain and I can't have you wandering these halls
It means I'm see through
I don't want you to have to deal with what I do
I don't want people to hurt like my head
I hate that someone might have heard the same words said
Please don't say you feel the same way
because then I'll cry and it will darken my day
I can't see you living in this fear
Not feeling loved and holding no one near
please just tell me how happy you are
How my words seem like another language from afar
Because in no way should you understand
the bruises forming by an unrelenting hand
Words spat out, their goal to torment you
Please don't tell me you've been through this too
It's okay; I can bear this alone
I don't want to share the trauma I own
I don't want anyone to relate
This life is MY fate