More meds
And more meds
Keep growing and shrinking
Changing
But never helping
At least never helping enough
I don't think pills are the answer
I think I just need a new head
Or maybe itd be better if I were dead

"what do you wanna do, Liana?"
My mom asks me

"Death"
I respond


"Do you want to eat something?"

"No, I just want to die"


"What are you thinking about?"

"My death"

She laughs
Smiles
She doesn't understand
She doesn't want to understand I'm not joking
When I'm telling her

"What do you want to do tomorrow?"
She asks

"I don't want a tomorrow. I want to die"
I answer

She giggles
"That's not an option" she chuckles
She doesn't know

And after years of abuse
I'm still the one ending up feeling guilty
And wondering if he was right
And this was all just in my head

And I feel like I can't stand anyone
Except a few people
Who I love so deeply

No one touch me
Except I'll cry when they can't or don't hug me

No one ask me how I'm doing
Except for them
Who I'll spill out all my feelings
And we'll arrange them together
Into neat little piles
That'll all melt and mix together
Turning into love

But please
Everyone just leave me alone
But not alone alone
Just with them
Because to be honest I can't stand being the kind of alone I am
When there are some people like them out there

No I'm not.
I'm human,
I made mistakes,
So don't tell me I'm "perfect"
When I have,
Told lies,
Spread gossip,
Held onto darkness.
And am taking responsibility
For it.
Then trying to spread positivity.

there’s not much longer, i hope,
before the sky stops feeling too big,
before vacation doesn’t sound so far,
before missing you stops echoing.

there’s not much longer, i hope,
before the waiting softens a little,
before i stop checking my phone
just to see if you thought of me.

there’s not much longer, i hope,
until we go back to our little world,
the stolen minutes, the quiet updates,
the kind of love that hides in plain sight.

there’s not much longer, i hope,
and even if there is,
i’ll still be here, counting minutes,
and loving you through the distance.

Go
Go on
Going
Gone
Give
Giving
Give up
Gone
Grow
Growing
Grow up
Gone