I am dizzy and I am giddy and laughing like a fool,
But tonight is mine.
All mine.
Only mine, for I am alone.
Always, always alone.

I dreamt once that I danced with you.

Fox trot,
White dress,
Dim lit room.

I looked more like my grandmother than myself
But you just looked a better version of you.

No needle marks in sight.

You told me you liked us this way,
No fighting,
Everything clear, reality perfectly defined.

No confusion, nothing bad,

Just us, a gramophone, love,

And just when I don't need it most,

An alarm clock to wake me up.

And the sound is no dancing tune. It is

As harsh and loud
And crass
As the you who stirs beside me,

As unromantic as a broken record.

I need a window cracked ajar
So I can breathe
In submarines.

I need an umbrella
On sunny days
And sunscreen in storms
Just because I think they've got it wrong.
I always seem to tan in rain.

I need a little more laughter
When we're all dressed in black,
And at your wedding, in your tux,
I need you to find me for a little cry,

Just so things are normal.

And just so this funny old
Un-funny world makes sense.

I imagine that one time you told me about

When you came into my room and watched me sleeping.

You said it made you happy to know that I was there

And in that moment I wouldn't yell at you, or look at you like

You were a stranger to me.

I remember that night

That I dreamed all the dark things in the world were hovering over me

With sharp teeth and hungry eyes

And whose grabby, pushy, possessive hands

Would smother me at any second.

I plucked a splinter from my heart
As the past began to leak-
Before clumping up against the sore
And trickling down my feet.

I exhaled the bitter, salty air,
And coughed and heaved my loss
For my lungs could only hold their share
As long as I paid the cost.

I cornered you with words, tonight,
And wailed out against the moon-
While anger poured from every noun
Falling dormant upon my tomb.

You thought I mixed it up, somehow,
Between the trembling blame,
As you coiled up upon the sound
That harshly sang your name.

I burried up my bitter soul
Beneath some shards of glass,
And planted a new world right there,
Atop a hidden past.

I crossed my t's, and said my alms
To your sweet and sickly lord.
I held my voice from trembling,
So my distress would not be heard.

I washed my wounds with holiness
Drained from the city streets,
Cleansing myself of all that feels,
For acceptance comes as defeat.

I sat there in the dark, that night,
As I painted out my life
Upon the shores of an indifferent sea,
Unscarred by wisdom's knife.

Oh, do you see the butterfly
That's shriveled against the pane
Of a dusty, concealed windowsill-
Never to see light again.

do i love her?
no.

her eyes,
as deep as the ocean
as vibrant as the light
a hint of sadness
i just want her to be alright.

do i love her?
maybe.

her smile,
is covered in braces
that are as blue as her eyes.
i can see right through
her smiling lies.

do i love her?
i do.

her,
she smells perfect like flowers,
i could kiss those perfect lips,
for hours.
her beautiful laugh,
fills the room with joy.
she's perfectly terrible at math,
i get to help her.

do i love her?
i must.

looking at the sky
is enough to make you feel
more insignificant
than the bacteria we crush
beneath our feet
which begs the question;
are we so tiny
that all of our efforts
all of our actions
amount to nothing?
or are we small enough
that every single thing we do
matters?
you said you hoped it was the latter
I do, too.