I got plastic surgery the week following the attack
Give or take, I could complain, I've never looked the same
My eyebrows tend to look... furrowed, like the needles weren't used right
Like the needles didn't need to hurt
Ask me what is pain and I'll tell you it is the removal of a lie
That's it- nothing of negative consequence, simply an unavoidable thing.
They make consequence too complex, over analyze little words until it spells out a disorder.
Treat nonexistence like a nightmare as if anyone would care if you disappeared.
Treat the world like a tragedy, tell yourself that you lied again and you should just die, try to gouge out your eyes before awaking and repeating
Yet why is it wrong to feel self deprecating thoughts

I could see the color drain from your eyes when you looked at me
The ocean that had been your sight dried up
You realized the truth
We realized the truth
I didn't think depression was an infection of the mind
I didn't know it could spread
The more you tried to hear me out the more you agreed
I'm sorry
I didn't know it would be this way
I didn't think you'd try to carve yourself in my shape

I enjoy the fact that yelling racist slurs is freedom but worshiping a god you believe in is a terrorist activity

I think the most motherly I've seen my Mother is in a dream
One with high stakes and eager fights
Where she stood fearful
Not for herself but for my safety
Grabbing my hand to protect from an eager fist

Protective

I wish I could dream those dreams with conscious thoughts
With ambitious hope that I would outweigh herself
Selflessness towards those you bore, like the movies
But I always know when I'm awake
The lines don't blur as much as they did when I was a child
And I am left with a hole
Longing for a state of reality that could never be
Dreaming of dreams

I've become someone with a imperfect body with a destructive mind
Someone who can't look themselves in the eye let alone anyone else
This mirror is showing a me who is older yet not wiser
For when I was a child I knew how to love myself
But that is just a lost talent now
I've learned that hate is one of the better emotions
Because it has a feeling, it is hot, it is scolding
Everything else seems to just be a halfhearted notion
A half smile that we all mirror when we don't know what else to do
We gained a talent to drive others into madness with just words
And we use it when we are hostile and scared
I have gained the ability to make a mask out of a half smile and a fake laugh
In order to allow others to do the same
It is a never ending circle we all share

A lifeless grasp towards the son as I sing in my spiral
A decent; falling
Shattered cliffs and rocks
Let a mountain of earth break my fall
Contemplate and revitalize
Write letters in the air
God will listen in your final embrace

The reflection in the mirror is not me
My eyes have not sunk that much
Please tell me that my smile has not shattered
That bruises have not taken control of my cheeks
Someone please tell me what happened to this person I see
Because I can't believe that I've changed this much
I don't want to believe that my life is any different then before
That I've thrown any regard of myself away
Please

Gut me
Tear my apart and sell my pieces
Individually, I wouldn't want to be remade
Donate me to charity, let the poor devour my corpse
Let me forget
To fall into the deepest slumber we humans know
Fall
Fall into a void or a cloud, I do not care
I am just so tired
Hang me out to dry
I'm tired of this soil
I want to be reborn
So let me rest my soul in you
As my body becomes earth
We will sing and dance in my dreams
The wind will be our songs
I will finally be able to breathe

I’m scared, something happened and my world went blank
I brawl at the bar resulting in a mad man fighting me
After that the only vision that remained was white
When I woke up I could clearly see my wife, sobbing before me
I needed to help her
I was just gonna tell her I’m okay
She started screaming and muttered the words ‘honey’ in a lost voice
It all went white again, everything… I’m so scared
There is blood coming from my mouth
It hurts
I’m so hungry
I hope my wife is okay but ever since I woke up her memory is fading
I didn’t think that such a small injury would cause so much pain
Was it infected or maybe it hit a nerve… I don’t know anymore
I don’t know much of anything anymore
It’s like the disease had turned my stomach into thorns only soothed through food
It can’t be that bad right? It was only a bite

Emotions, a temporary permanence that makes a life
Life, a temporary emergence that resonates memories
Memories, a temporary representation of loss
Loss, a temporary feeling of disconnect- a need to mourn