Our minds are what create our stress, our doubt, our fear, our anxiety, our questions. More times than I can count have I wished for silence within just so I can see & hear clearly without any preconceived notions. I want to live my life through feeling! I don't want logic or "morals" to control my way of living... I want to act based on feelings, not based on what I think or what others think. I want my heart & my emotions to drive this soul of mine. Not many people do, which is why I know certain people were placed in my life. I'm sorry if at times my cluttered mind gets the best of me & creates chaos, but I swear it's only bc this fist of blood that pounds in my chest is begging to take over.

It's starting to sink in that the years of sobriety she had have now been thrown away with just the push of one syringe.

One shot to the vein to take away all the pain,
but I wish I could carry her burdens.

I'm scared to relive those 3 years of living hell again. I relive it with my brother now & to think that I'll have to worry again about where she is & what she's doing is breaking my heart.

One shot to the vein to take away all the pain,
but the devil keeps knock, knocking.

Will she answer the door once more & spiral down to blackness like before?

My heart is heavy tonight & this pain is bringing on a dark & gloomy cloud overhead.

One slice to the vein to take away all the pain,
but I'm stronger than that.. I can't fall.

I am bursting at the seams, I am exploding with happiness.

Your voice, your presence, your words, your actions, your eyes, your hands, your love..

I have no words to describe how I feel right now except that I am utterly & irrevocably falling in love with you, & I am both afraid yet indescribably elated

I feel my heart widening, ripping open right now & it's not from pain.. For the first time it's not from pain. It's opening itself to you & letting you inside.. I am so vulnerable & I'm terrified bc yes, you make me feel alive.. You give me life, but you also have the power to bring me to my knees in agony & slay me right where I kneel.

I am confident in our love, though. You're in love with me & I'm so in love with you.

You said to me, "I hope I go down in your memory as someone who helped you live.. As you will do the same for me."  ..Before we started dating, before any of the kisses or "I love you's"..

You truly have helped me live.

I ******* love you!!

I'm going crazy, spazztic, psychotic, insane,
trying to calm these thoughts, these thoughts to tame.
Tell me how it's okay, tell me how it's alright
to dig a ******* needle in your arm, to rid yourself of light.  
This darkness, black as soot,
rots your core.

I can't even concentrate, I lose my train of thought. It trails off somewhere into the night, in a different direction, different path, anywhere else from here inside my head because let's face it, who would want to be here anyway?

I'm trying to understand why my life is the way it is, but have you ever gotten to the point where you're so completely stuck on one problem on that test that you skip it & move on to another problem? You're about ready to pull your hair out because you're rattling your brain trying to find the answer, so you just leave it blank & try the next one? Well what's the equivalent to this life? Where's the skip button, where's the "I can't do this anymore otherwise I'm going to put a bullet through my brain" button? I've been desperately trying to skip onto the next portion of this test, but I can't seem to ******* find the next page. I turn it over & it's one of those ******* essay questions where you're suppose to answer some ridiculous riddle. I'm starting to panic because I realize I've never been good with riddles & I fear what will happen if I can't figure this out. What will happen if I never find the answer to this riddle or the one before it?

I've never failed a test in my life, but there's a first time for everything.

My mind races, I can't control it & I fear I'll **** up again because I can't organize my thoughts

I just want to ******* shut it off

When it was me & you standing shoulder to shoulder, I knew.
It was just us two, going at it together, no matter the weather.
Soon enough the nights were long, the fights were tough;
The egos came up, I couldn't see what
I had in front of me. How could we let this be?
Baby, you mean the world to me; I can hardly breathe when you're not close to me.
Baby, talk to me, all could be -just as it once was,
But we gotta drop the walls, you're the only one I love.
Pick the pieces up, put them back intact;
You're the only one for me, this ain't no selfish act.
We were Bonnie& Cylde, I'm still down to take the ride.
**** the world, baby, if you ain't by my side.
No matter how hard, no matter the stride,
No matter how many tears we may cry,
We got each other, baby, til' the day that we die.
I know we ain't perfect, I know it's not alright, but ..
If loving you is wrong, I don't wanna be right...

Fingers intertwined, hearts strum together.
Feelings in our eyes, can we stay here forever?
Soft words on soft lips,
& I'm yearning for their touch.
Touch my lips, touch my cold soul;
can we stay like this,
can we share this bliss?
Warm me up, ignite the flame;
make my insides alive, make me scream out the pain.
No more hurt, no more sorrow,
as we lay here in the prospect of tomorrow.

Sometimes we fall.

We are not invincible, we are not without flaws.. We are human.

..But sometimes that's the problem

Sometimes we fall. Sometimes we only stumble just a little, but find strength to reach out & pick ourselves back up.

But sometimes we fall.. Bc it is so hard to pick yourself back up when everything within you is weighing you down.

Sometimes we fall.

It's rare that I have moments of positive self-reflection, but I've recently realized just how much I've grown since this journey has begun. It's been a rough few years; I've felt agonizing pain of the heart & soul, but those moments have molded me into the person I am today, & I'm proud to say that I'm uniquely me -someone with a heart as grand & as deep as the sea. My life has been scarred, but my soul has been cleaned; forgiveness has been given & now I'm set free. I'll make a difference in this world, I know. "How?" By giving love unconditionally. Without love, this world ceases to be. My heart may be beaten & bruised, but it's still knock, knock, knocking in my chest & it's begging to be heard; my heart is not my own, though it resides within me. My heart is not my own, it is for all of you to see. This is who I was meant to be.