My mind races, I can't control it & I fear I'll **** up again because I can't organize my thoughts

I just want to ******* shut it off

So I said I'm looking for the answers, I'm looking for a sign,
But I should be looking elsewhere
'Cause the answers I can't seem to find.
I'm searching for some guidance,
I'm searching for a prayer;
Somebody who can help me,
Somebody to get me there.
God & myself, my only chance at hope;
God & myself, my only ways to cope.
I'm looking for an answer, I said I'm looking for a sign,
But the only real place I should be looking is inside.

It took one slice & I'm reeling in guilt & shame.

It doesn't hurt so good anymore; now it only hurts. Idk if that's bc this was deeper than the others or bc this one will leave a nasty scar, but regardless it hurts & I don't want the razor anymore.

Their kisses aren't smooth or romantic or poetic; there's no ******* beauty in tearing yourself apart.

PAIN IS NOT GLAMOROUS

I don't know what I'm looking for, I don't know where I'm heading.
I don't have any plans, I don't have any goals.
I'm terrified by the thought, though I realize that through my empty reservations,
I am truly free.

& so I accept that this world isn't as black & white as I may have hoped it would be.

Falling down when you've been preaching of light & recovery doesn't make you a fake; it makes you terribly REAL. It makes you HUMAN. & sometimes that's the problem -we're human & we're sensitive & we sometimes stumble & fall, but I'm determined to win this battle.

I am stronger than this pain.

Sometimes we fall. Sometimes we only stumble just a little, but find strength to reach out & pick ourselves back up.

But sometimes we fall.. Bc it is so hard to pick yourself back up when everything within you is weighing you down.

Sometimes we fall.

Sometimes we fall.

We are not invincible, we are not without flaws.. We are human.

..But sometimes that's the problem

I have moments -even hours- of darkness, points at which I am at the bottom of the earth begging for release from the pain. I don't think I will stop having moments like that.. I use to think it was wrong that I broke down, I use to think that made me fake in my path towards recovery, but it's perfectly okay to not be okay sometimes. We are human. We are not built of mortar. We are meant to break at times.. & that's okay.

I sit here & can't help but wish I had a "conventional" family.. Where my parents were both good people with good jobs with love in their hearts towards each other & their kids.. Where they both gave loving advice, where they both cared, where they both were "normal."

I'm sickened to admit this.. I'm ashamed to feel this. For the first time, these thoughts are rummaging through my mind & I can't help the overwhelming sadness that comes with them.

My mother has always supported us, always loved us, protected us, guided us. My dad? Nothing of the sort.

There's so much to this.. So much to write, so much to type, so much to think, & my brain hurts & my heart's heavy & right now, no matter how hard I try to get the words out, my feelings aren't flowing into words properly. It's times like these that bad things happen.

I get frustrated in not being able to convey what I'm feeling & my anxiety builds & that's when the razor hits the wrist & releases it all.

I want to sit in a corner & cry my heart out

I am bursting at the seams, I am exploding with happiness.

Your voice, your presence, your words, your actions, your eyes, your hands, your love..

I have no words to describe how I feel right now except that I am utterly & irrevocably falling in love with you, & I am both afraid yet indescribably elated

I feel my heart widening, ripping open right now & it's not from pain.. For the first time it's not from pain. It's opening itself to you & letting you inside.. I am so vulnerable & I'm terrified bc yes, you make me feel alive.. You give me life, but you also have the power to bring me to my knees in agony & slay me right where I kneel.

I am confident in our love, though. You're in love with me & I'm so in love with you.

You said to me, "I hope I go down in your memory as someone who helped you live.. As you will do the same for me."  ..Before we started dating, before any of the kisses or "I love you's"..

You truly have helped me live.

I ******* love you!!