I can't tell the difference between it being a craving & me missing it. They feel like they're one in the same most of the time & to be honest, I'm not sure how to feel about that. When it's a part of you for so long, when it's become such a natural response/activity, how do you let go? How do you stop yourself from enjoying it? More importantly, what the **** is wrong with me to feel that way in the first place?

My mind races, I can't control it & I fear I'll **** up again because I can't organize my thoughts

I just want to ******* shut it off

I want to open my mouth & scream,

I can't take this hurt inside of me.

I want to cut open a vein & bleed free,

I can't take this pain inside of me.

So I said I'm looking for the answers, I'm looking for a sign,
But I should be looking elsewhere
'Cause the answers I can't seem to find.
I'm searching for some guidance,
I'm searching for a prayer;
Somebody who can help me,
Somebody to get me there.
God & myself, my only chance at hope;
God & myself, my only ways to cope.
I'm looking for an answer, I said I'm looking for a sign,
But the only real place I should be looking is inside.

My sweet love,

My dearest love, how I wish I could repair what has been broken inside of you..
How I wish I could have saved you from all the hurt of your past..
How I wish I could save you from the haunting demons that still stalk you.

I wish I could save you, my love, but contrary to what you may call me, I'm no wonder woman.

My fresh wound burns & stings with each flick of the wrist,
with each twist of the hand,
with each reminder of the razor's sharp kiss.

My mind is racing with guilt & shame & remorse;
I wish I could take it back;
I fear this has set me off course.

I don't want to think of it anymore, I don't want to write about it, I don't want to see it.
Bandage it up & let it stitch itself together - I'm done.

& so I accept that this world isn't as black & white as I may have hoped it would be.

Falling down when you've been preaching of light & recovery doesn't make you a fake; it makes you terribly REAL. It makes you HUMAN. & sometimes that's the problem -we're human & we're sensitive & we sometimes stumble & fall, but I'm determined to win this battle.

I am stronger than this pain.

Pain is not glamorous.

One thing I hate about poetry: people try to romanticize pain.. They try to write it up as something that it's not.

Pain isn't a bunch of nice words pieced together; pain isn't beauty.

Pain is pain -it's as simple & complicating as that.

It took one slice & I'm reeling in guilt & shame.

It doesn't hurt so good anymore; now it only hurts. Idk if that's bc this was deeper than the others or bc this one will leave a nasty scar, but regardless it hurts & I don't want the razor anymore.

Their kisses aren't smooth or romantic or poetic; there's no ******* beauty in tearing yourself apart.

PAIN IS NOT GLAMOROUS

I sit here & can't help but wish I had a "conventional" family.. Where my parents were both good people with good jobs with love in their hearts towards each other & their kids.. Where they both gave loving advice, where they both cared, where they both were "normal."

I'm sickened to admit this.. I'm ashamed to feel this. For the first time, these thoughts are rummaging through my mind & I can't help the overwhelming sadness that comes with them.

My mother has always supported us, always loved us, protected us, guided us. My dad? Nothing of the sort.

There's so much to this.. So much to write, so much to type, so much to think, & my brain hurts & my heart's heavy & right now, no matter how hard I try to get the words out, my feelings aren't flowing into words properly. It's times like these that bad things happen.

I get frustrated in not being able to convey what I'm feeling & my anxiety builds & that's when the razor hits the wrist & releases it all.

I want to sit in a corner & cry my heart out

You're coming home & I don't want to be here when you do.

I've missed you so so much, but I'd rather you 1,000 miles away than you coming home & relapsing again.

I don't know what to feel or think or do right now

My father, I'm not quite sure how to say this.

You're not the person I want you to be, you're not the person I want as my father. You are everything I thought you were & that's the most terrifying & disheartening part of this.

"I have bad energy since you came here"... Oh really, "dad"? Is that true? Well how does it feel to know that you've cursed us for the rest of our lives with YOUR "bad energy" & ****** up ways?

I love you; you will always be a part of who I am, but I will always work to **** that side of me.

I'm sorry life turned out this way.. Maybe we could have saved it long ago, but right now, I have to let you go.

Perdoname.. Forgive me, Father.

I am bursting at the seams, I am exploding with happiness.

Your voice, your presence, your words, your actions, your eyes, your hands, your love..

I have no words to describe how I feel right now except that I am utterly & irrevocably falling in love with you, & I am both afraid yet indescribably elated

I feel my heart widening, ripping open right now & it's not from pain.. For the first time it's not from pain. It's opening itself to you & letting you inside.. I am so vulnerable & I'm terrified bc yes, you make me feel alive.. You give me life, but you also have the power to bring me to my knees in agony & slay me right where I kneel.

I am confident in our love, though. You're in love with me & I'm so in love with you.

You said to me, "I hope I go down in your memory as someone who helped you live.. As you will do the same for me."  ..Before we started dating, before any of the kisses or "I love you's"..

You truly have helped me live.

I ******* love you!!

I have moments -even hours- of darkness, points at which I am at the bottom of the earth begging for release from the pain. I don't think I will stop having moments like that.. I use to think it was wrong that I broke down, I use to think that made me fake in my path towards recovery, but it's perfectly okay to not be okay sometimes. We are human. We are not built of mortar. We are meant to break at times.. & that's okay.

I don't think I've ever felt anything more disgusting than disappointment & shame.

What do you do when your pride is ripped away & stolen? You're forced to believe a lie for so long that it becomes your reality, but then you develop a mind of your own & you see just how fake this life has truly been. What once was now holds no value; I believe nothing that's said to me.

"Family first" is the biggest crock of **** I've ever heard. All anyone ever cares about is pleasing their own devilish desires.

All around me people are self-loathing, self-degrading, self-medicating

& I'm over here like, where's my ******* crutch?

Months clean without a fresh cut, so where's my release from this pain inside?

Imagine living with a family of addicts..
Pills, ***, & ****** are on the menu tonight & I'm left starving.
There's no place in this broken down house for someone like me who's kept her nose clean.

I am 1 of 8 addicts & tonight's a night that I simply can't take it anymore.
Tonight is a night where I am not proud, rather I am disgusted & almost ashamed to admit any of these facts.
Tonight's a night I cower in the public eye for fear of them noticing just who they are..just who I am.
I'm disgusted that THIS is what my family has become.. Nothing more than opiates & needles & razors & pure ******* insanity.

I am not proud tonight.
I am hurt
& disappointed.

It's starting to sink in that the years of sobriety she had have now been thrown away with just the push of one syringe.

One shot to the vein to take away all the pain,
but I wish I could carry her burdens.

I'm scared to relive those 3 years of living hell again. I relive it with my brother now & to think that I'll have to worry again about where she is & what she's doing is breaking my heart.

One shot to the vein to take away all the pain,
but the devil keeps knock, knocking.

Will she answer the door once more & spiral down to blackness like before?

My heart is heavy tonight & this pain is bringing on a dark & gloomy cloud overhead.

One slice to the vein to take away all the pain,
but I'm stronger than that.. I can't fall.

Sometimes we fall.

We are not invincible, we are not without flaws.. We are human.

..But sometimes that's the problem

I'm clothed in strength, though I cower underneath it all.

I knew these days would come, but my God I don't know how to stand tall.

My legs, they struggle; my eyes, they water;
My mind, it struggles, though my heart.. My heart is bound by mortar.

I'm not defeated, I'm not out for the count, no. I'm not giving up just yet, I've got too much to amount to.

My soul hurts today.

Relapse relapse relapse
Friday night
******
Needle
Track marks

"Where was I?" was my first thought.. Did I ignore a text of help from her? Did I have a bad feeling that day that I ignored? Could I have done something to help her?

Could I have saved my sister from it this time?

I'm torn & my arms want to bleed & spill out all my sadness

Sometimes we fall. Sometimes we only stumble just a little, but find strength to reach out & pick ourselves back up.

But sometimes we fall.. Bc it is so hard to pick yourself back up when everything within you is weighing you down.

Sometimes we fall.

I see a world slowly dying -
Voices dying to be heard,
Stories dying to be told..

People dying to live.

& I want to save them all

The mess I call me, the broken fragments that begin to mend like a medley;
Not perfect, not petite; sometimes happy, sometimes in need.
My thoughts consume & cloud my eyes,
Though sometimes I can see clearly through my own disguise.
My days are bright, though my days seem never ending;
My nights get dark, sometimes too dark to feel God’s mending.
My eyes sparkle; sometimes with light, sometimes with tears,
But my eyes are full of love –just don’t let the Devil near.
My world gets hectic, some days it’s hard to see,
But I was made to be loved & to be imperfectly me.

Momentary fits of numbness & insanity;
I didn’t chose this state of mind, it was placed upon me.
Why was I given this life, this heart, this mind;
Why was I given this hell, these burdens that aren’t mine!
My heart gets heavy, my eyes slide shut,
The feeling begins; I wish it was easy not to cut.
Just the thought of releasing my pains
Sends adrenaline surging through my veins.
To cut open my wrist, to see the blood spout;
I don’t know why, but sometimes it’s my only way out.
I fight it off, the razors & scissors fly across the room,
But sometimes I wish I was 6 ft under my tomb.
My pain becomes too heavy to bare,
That not even the idea of love is a care.
Take my pain away from me; take it all,
But no one else could carry this; I don’t know how I stand tall.

The people who mean the most to me are no longer the people who they use to be. Some days are easier than others when trying to deal with this fact. Some days the pain subsides & I'm able to put those haunting thoughts away, but then there are those days..these nights..when the pain feels as though it's tearing through my chest.. As if its death grip is grabbing a hold of my heart & squeezing the life right out of it.

My life is a mixed up mess of what once was & what is yet to be, & this struggle is taking its toll on me right now.

I ******* hate this disease more than anything in this world

The scar tissue that I'm wrapped in may be ugly & discouraging at times, but this scar tissue wipes away my tears when they fall, they pick up that hair brush to start the day..
They're the ones who are able to touch your face, your chest, your skin & register that they're not alone in this world.
Never more am I alone.

My bestfriend, my brother, my heart.
I don’t know how we let this get us;
I don’t know how we let this tear us apart.

The devil swept in & stole you away;
He took my life, he took my friend.
He took you down & led you astray.

This battle is long & this battle is tough;
I don’t know when or how,
But I know our faith is enough.

Another year passes & things remain tattered,
The pieces are torn & broken,
These fragments of my heart that’s shattered.

I must let you go & let you be;
I can’t stand to see you suffer;
Your choices are killing me.

Though there are words I do not say,
This distance I must keep;  
But I hope you have a blessed & happy birthday.

Please when you find your strength come back to me;
I can’t handle this pain, this void, this empty hole in my heart.
This fist shaped hole that’s rotting within me is begging for you to come back.
Please find your inner strength & save yourself… I can’t stand this empty soul you’ve become.
I love you with every inch of this heart of mine !!!!

...
I haven't cut much at all since that day,
mostly because I know that there's another way.

I never intended for the cuts to be permanent.
I wasn't trying to die, that's not what I meant.

I used to cut to deal with the memories that always came,
but now they arrive less often & bring less pain.

These marks on my arms I will always hate,
because now I realize what's at stake.

I now have happiness & joy that I can lose,
& my future all depends on what I choose.

My scars hadn't affected me the way they do now.
To live without cutting, I didn't know how.

I didn't know how to experience joy
because all I knew how to do was destroy.

No matter what happens I know I will survive,
even though my scars will always show the suffering I've endured since I was five.

At least now I actually have some closure
& I can finally start to get this over.

Now I know the identity of the man I can blame,
but I know I will survive: No Pity, No Silence, No Shame.

All my life I've been told "Family First,"
"forever & always" I told myself,
no longer a blessing, I'm starting to feel like I'm cursed.
Tell me I'm a baby, I should leave it to the big kids;
tell me, Dad, did it hurt
when you saw us grow up the way that you did?
Broken, hopeless, & running nowhere.
You scarred us for life,
****** our future, but you're not even aware.

I try to uncover what’s underneath;
I try to uncover what’s hiding beneath these sheets.
They decorate my soul, create this person who I am,
but they’re beginning to tear, tear right at the hem.
I’m not sure why I am this way,
though I constantly search each & every day.
I try to find the answers as to what I do and what I say,
though none come up each & every day.
I trace it to my childhood; the tangled roots start there;
of love & misfortune; the burden too often too heavy to bare.
I struggle with memory, as it tears a gaping hole,
Of smacks & bruises that coated your aching soul.
These visions –though conducive to my progression-
are often the reason for my rage & aggression.
Did you not love us? Were we not fair?
Did we not have perfect teeth? Did we not have perfect hair?
Were we not the model children –the ones perfect for your show?
Why did you have to break us & torture us with each & every blow?
“The drugs,” the drugs; the God ****** drugs are to blame, right?
Then why –without the drugs- do you cause me such fright!?
I want to incriminate the drugs for the abuse;
I wish I could, I wish I could, but there’s no use!
How can drugs create an entirely new monster, such an evil spawn?
The devil was always inside of you, no matter how much coke you were on!
But if you’re the devil, what does that make me?
If you’re the devil, is that what I’m meant to be?
My life is dictated by what has occurred in the past;
I leave it behind, but it never truly lasts.
How do I leave behind what has made me -created me?  
How do I let it go & expect to be?
Do I create a new person –is that what’s left to do?
But how am I supposed to be me without you?

I am the captain of this ship,
I am the savior of this soul.

I am the driver behind this machine,
I am the hands behind this wheel

& all I want to do right now is steer it into a ******* brick wall

My mind is numb, my body is numb, my words slur together.
No intoxication of the beverage kind -one that's much more dangerous.
Intoxication of my mind & the demons that play hide & seek within.
This energy surging through my veins is enough to send me over the edge;
pull open the drawer, pick up the metal, & slice it across one wrist.

My mind is numb, yet my veins are buzzing with anticipation.

Should I feed the demon or let it starve another day longer?

A secret or two, they’re not easy to see,
a secret or two of the real me.
In my defense I’m not to blame
for these secrets of lust and secrets of shame.
Proceed with caution, don’t be misled;
the girl you currently see before your eyes is dead.
Though smiling and polite,
no one would guess what happens at night.
Dr. Jeckell, call me Mrs. Hyde;
why don’t you step right inside
to my one woman show;
these demons bring my body to an all time low.

They say home is where your heart is

Maybe this time I found home.. Maybe.
But maybe I'm an over thinker, a dreamer, a believer, a fool in lust.
Though stronger than lust, this magic fairy dust sprinkles all over my soul,
touches upon my heart.

No, I don't think I'm home yet, but I'm on the right road.

I'm trying to let go.
I'm trying to let you leave & just be -just me, no more you.
No more guilt, no more shame, no more regret.
I look at you, I'm disgusted.
I look at me, I'm disgusted.
We are one in the same.. We are one.
Though everyone tells me we aren't! Everyone tells me you look nothing like me, we share no similarities, though how can that be when I look at myself & all I see is YOU?
How can we be separate, though so closely tied at the hip -the leg, the chest, & the wrists?
How can you not define who I am, when you make up my identity? How do you not define me when your marks are left all over this skin that I'm in -this skin that once belonged to you?

I want you to let me go. Just let me leave, release me from your grip & let me just be!
Let me live, let me feel true peace without your taunting laughs!
I no longer want your presence on my body-I no longer want your kisses, though they feel so soft & smooth against my icy cold skin.

Though truth be told, I think you did leave me.. After all, no one stays in my life. Nothing permanent.. Nothing permanent besides these ******* portraits that you painted oh so devilishly across my being! These permanent ******* WOUNDS that still BURN & STING no matter how many months or years have gone by! No matter how many skin cells that have took the righteous path & decided to stitch together.  

YOU HAVE RUINED ME.

I want to believe that it's you that can't let me go, that it's you that won't let me be, but in reality I know you can survive without me.. You can carry on without me, just as all the others do. The question comes down to this:

Can I carry on without you?

So... You like me.
Like... Me. ME. ACTUALLY me? Who I ACTUALLY am?

I told you my flaws, you kissed my scars.
No one's ever made me feel that beautiful.

You told me your demons, dark depths to your soul;
my heart cried, my heart bled, my heart yearned for you.

"What flaws do you think you have?" -what? What flaws do I THINK I have? You don't see? You don't see them? They're SCATTERED, they're LITTERED all over my body...
but than again you're the first man I've ever been interested in who hasn't seen me without my clothes.

Without my clothes, unclothed... You have; you've seen the most naked part to me. You've seen my skin -not the one that's tattered & lined with battle wounds, but the one that's under that. The one that's full of my words & thoughts & heart.

My God, you are beautiful.
Yes, beautiful. The word, the meaning, you don't often give to people. The title you are very particular & careful about when using... Yes. You are beautiful. You find me beautiful, you find me "charismatic, confident, and beautiful." Oh, but if only you knew how insecure & ugly I can be. If only you knew how terrified I am.

Secretly I think you do. Do you feel that way too?
I'm not sure what to feel or what to think, but these fireworks -these bright light displays- are going off in my mind & my heart. The moment we kissed, the moment you looked at me, the moment you kissed my scars -my head exploded, my heart soon followed.
You're leaving me breathless. You're giving me chills. You're making me think things I shouldn't, though they feel so good, but they get overclouded by the fear & the doubt.

You'll leave like all the others, I shouldn't get my hopes up.

But what if it's my heart that you're getting up?

BEAM ME UP.

When it was me & you standing shoulder to shoulder, I knew.
It was just us two, going at it together, no matter the weather.
Soon enough the nights were long, the fights were tough;
The egos came up, I couldn't see what
I had in front of me. How could we let this be?
Baby, you mean the world to me; I can hardly breathe when you're not close to me.
Baby, talk to me, all could be -just as it once was,
But we gotta drop the walls, you're the only one I love.
Pick the pieces up, put them back intact;
You're the only one for me, this ain't no selfish act.
We were Bonnie& Cylde, I'm still down to take the ride.
**** the world, baby, if you ain't by my side.
No matter how hard, no matter the stride,
No matter how many tears we may cry,
We got each other, baby, til' the day that we die.
I know we ain't perfect, I know it's not alright, but ..
If loving you is wrong, I don't wanna be right...

Fingers intertwined, hearts strum together.
Feelings in our eyes, can we stay here forever?
Soft words on soft lips,
& I'm yearning for their touch.
Touch my lips, touch my cold soul;
can we stay like this,
can we share this bliss?
Warm me up, ignite the flame;
make my insides alive, make me scream out the pain.
No more hurt, no more sorrow,
as we lay here in the prospect of tomorrow.

I'm strong bc I've been weak. I'm brave bc I've been scared & lived in fear. I know what it's like at the bottom of the well, I know what it's like to feel your heart shatter into tiny fragments.. How do you mend it together again? I've lost some pieces along the way..I've lost parts of me through the years, every time I hear the words "I can't go on," every time I see the tears fall & crash around me, every time I witness people in pain -pain & torture of the soul & mind. Nothing can fix that.. Nothing can give me back the old pieces of me that use to be. Nothing can mend this breaking heart of mine except love. I have nothing to offer, & these parts may be broken & these pieces may be scattered, but in each fragment of my beaten heart, I have undying love & hope & faith that I am offering to any & everyone who needs it bc my God I know what it's like to have a poor soul. I struggle every day, & some days & some nights are worse than others, some of them ******* burn through my veins worse than others, but I will always know happiness bc I have known utter despair & I have walked through the flames of this internal hell. Love is the answer... Love is ALWAYS the answer & we all need to know that we're not in this world alone.

Talk to me of *** & lust,
gain my attention, but not my trust.
Speak to me with words of lust,
gain my attention, but not my love.
Talk to me of words & soul,
gained my attention, my heart you stole.
Speak to me with words from above,
gain my attention, & all of my love.

When I'm down & out & there's everything to cry about,
I look up to the sky & it erases my doubt.
Feeling so small, my problem's are minuscule;
this isn't some **** you'd learn back in middle school.
They don't teach you ways to come back to earth,
they don't teach you confidence or self-worth.
This is something from the heart, of the soul.
This is what we need to close this gaping hole.  
This world is our planet, it's our friend;
it's time we learn to love & begin to mend.
This world is ours, look up & you'll see
that this world is my own & it's waiting for me.

I will never understand your reasoning or your logic. You claim we're alike, but oh my friend, we are worlds apart. I for one could never comprehend how you can call someone stupid & dumb & *******, especially when they're your own flesh & blood. Excuse me if I can't accept and defend your ****** up way of thinking like the rest of them, but I will not lay down & let you spew your venom to me any longer. You are wrong.. You've been wrong for the past 30 years & until you change your attitude, which you most likely never will, you're not welcome in this heart of mine.

This pain makes me want to slice open a vein & bleed free.

I cannot stand your demon seduced lies or your drug induced vacant eyes.
I cannot stand the devil beside you or the demon inside you.

This pain makes me want to slice open a vein & bleed free.

Mind expanding, thought inducing, spirit growing;
my life, my heart, my soul;
this love, this pain, this slowly reducing hole.
The wounds mend, the pain still stings,
the road to recovery, redemption, & so it begins.  
This is me, this is my time to progress.
I'm not going to die, there's still pounding in my chest.

It's rare that I have moments of positive self-reflection, but I've recently realized just how much I've grown since this journey has begun. It's been a rough few years; I've felt agonizing pain of the heart & soul, but those moments have molded me into the person I am today, & I'm proud to say that I'm uniquely me -someone with a heart as grand & as deep as the sea. My life has been scarred, but my soul has been cleaned; forgiveness has been given & now I'm set free. I'll make a difference in this world, I know. "How?" By giving love unconditionally. Without love, this world ceases to be. My heart may be beaten & bruised, but it's still knock, knock, knocking in my chest & it's begging to be heard; my heart is not my own, though it resides within me. My heart is not my own, it is for all of you to see. This is who I was meant to be.

I don't know what I'm looking for, I don't know where I'm heading.
I don't have any plans, I don't have any goals.
I'm terrified by the thought, though I realize that through my empty reservations,
I am truly free.

Our minds are what create our stress, our doubt, our fear, our anxiety, our questions. More times than I can count have I wished for silence within just so I can see & hear clearly without any preconceived notions. I want to live my life through feeling! I don't want logic or "morals" to control my way of living... I want to act based on feelings, not based on what I think or what others think. I want my heart & my emotions to drive this soul of mine. Not many people do, which is why I know certain people were placed in my life. I'm sorry if at times my cluttered mind gets the best of me & creates chaos, but I swear it's only bc this fist of blood that pounds in my chest is begging to take over.

City life, streets alive,
You & me, by our sides.
Walking, talking,
Hand in hand,
Taking in the city's land.
Laughing, smiling; no one better
to be with, to love with in this weather.
You are mine & I am yours,
Perfect, beauty with no cause.
Automatic, natural, the way you are.
Shining, lighting me up like a star.
Ignite my soul, I surrender & fall
into your arms & give you my all.
One day.
I long for this, I long for you;
I long for the day when we can be true.
Until that day when we are one,
Just know that you are the one I love.

I feel weak because of you & I'm trying to understand if that's a good or bad thing.
I love you -truly & fully.
I love your mind, your spirit, your soul.
My soul feels yours, my soul loves yours.
It's because of this that I feel so weakened;
you have this power over me, you have this advantage.
You have my heart to do whatever you please with it.
I am vulnerable at best & though I trust you, I do not trust myself.
I tend to put myself in harmful & dangerous situations, such as the one we're placed in.
I trust your words & I trust your 'I love you,' but it's terrifying.
I want you to be mine & the worst part is that you love me too, yet we can't be right now.
Am I "wasting" my time?
Am I letting myself fall for you for no reason?
My heart hurts because of this, because of you, yet you make it light as a feather.
You make me fly, & my God I want so badly to be able to soar this beautiful sky with you.
I love you & I'll be ****** if that's not enough, for what else do I have to offer?
I have nothing.. Nothing except this red, unyielding heartbeat that's bleeding with only love & protection.
That's all I have to offer you, but in my world -in our world, I believe- that would always be enough.

I know what I've come from & I know where I've been -
I don't ever plan on going back there again.
My life is my own, no one can take that from me;
this is my one shot, my one chance, my own destiny.
You say you got strength, let me tell you what that is;
you ever look death right in the face & say, "no, I want to live"?
Talk to me like you know what I've been through;
you'll never see it coming, let me tell you a thing or two.
You never witnessed my struggle, you never saw my tears;
you never saw the track marks, you never felt my fear.
You never witnessed my struggle, you never heard my screams;
you never saw the fresh scars when I was bursting at the seams.
Where I come from, your outside isn't what counts.
It's all about your inside -that's what it's all about.
Your spirit, your mind, your everlasting soul;
your light, your heart, it'll fill the gaping hole.
Darkness it'll destroy & eventually leave behind,
then you'll understand these words & know the reason why.
This life is my own, no one will take that from me;
this is my one shot, my one chance to finally break free.
... Now just watch me.