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Tender touches leave me hazed,
As your hands graze my cheek.
My heart aches for your company.

People may say I am pitiful ,
Oh, but don't you find it it so tragically beautiful,
How you are a whole novel in my life,
While I am merely a *chapter in yours?
 Oct 2013 Luisa bernabó
Alex
I'm stuck.
I can't find beautiful sentences to fit these feelings into,
I can't think of an arrangement of colors to describe the way I feel like I am about to explode.
I keep searching for a string of words to fit perfectly like all the ones I read cause I swear I could've written them.
Why don't I ever find the perfect thing to say?
All these things are trapped inside of me and I can't, for the life of me, figure out a safe way to let them out.
They build and build and I feel I am forever looking for my own way to release them,
I just haven't found it yet.
Words call out to me
but never fall out of me.
Never the right ones.

*6.21.13
(inhale)

I've got a confession and an apology cause I'm really really sorry like a cat left out in the rain I feel all bedraggled but there's nothing I can do about it but baby I'm sorry

(deep breath)

I don't love you.

(sigh)

I just don't love you baby, I don't even like you that way and I feel bad cause I care for you and I don't want to see you hurt but I've got to do it cause like a splinter it'll hurt worse the longer I avoid it and it'll fester and smell and I got to rip it off now quick as I can like a band-aid

(gasp)

It came to me when we were walking that I didn't want to hold your hand in front of everyone and let them see and I'm sorry baby cause I know I been leading you on because I thought I liked you enough that it wouldn't matter but I think I only love your shoulder to sleep on and your coat to cosy up in and I guess I didn't like your lips enough

(gasp)

And you know I'm sorry for leading you on but I think it's not just my fault you see there was something off about you and I've been hearing things about you and her and I don't want to be just a hookup to you cause baby I'm just not like that I need a guy who can stand by me and not just for the weeks that we've known each other cause we're both gonna go home a thousand thousand leagues away might as well be on Pluto

(gasp)

I wish I could love you.
I wish I could hate you.
This in-between-ness is just- distasteful. 

(sigh)

I'm sorry.

(exhale)
She looked sheepishly around the empty room, and licked the sugar off her finger. Only the walls laughed at her.
She was drinking bitter coffee and a sweet apple. Now, the coffee is too sweet and the apple has soured.
So much for sugar.
Start with dirt.
Trap a bird for a loving heart.
Wrap it in a rose so she can have thorns to protect it.
Add iron for a good backbone.
Teach her with chalk for righteousness.
Shake in some cinnamon for *****.
Melt chocolate for patience.
Add driftwood for wanderlust.
Build in her a door for loyalty.
Fill with coffee for curiosity.
Gift her a doll for kindness.
Put a book for cleverness.
Mold her a wind for empathy.
Fit her for glasses for self-control.

Stir in orange for dancing.
Stir in green for singing.
Stir in blue for crying.
Stir in red for screaming.
Stir in purple for thinking.

Give her words for pain.
Give her music for joy.
Give her darkness for fear.
Give her stars for rage.

Mold her.
Form her.
Love her.

Then give her a breath, for life.
Breathe in,
Breathe out,
...
I'm lying in bed
Honey-sweet sleep is pulling my eyes to unReality, dark and velvet and purple
But I got these words tossing in my belly
Roiling and churning up my throat
Trying to spill out
And burn the pale ****** air
BUT
at the same time
Trying to crawl back down
Scraping with just-cut claws down to my toes curling up in plush-snugly socks.
Scared to be born.
SO
I'm lying in bed
Ready to spin truth wrapped in fibs sprinkled with simile
I just feel frustrated
Because I'm saying the same thing over and over again
But it's just NOT RIGHT.
...
Here's the deal:
I'M NOT REAL.
Or rather, I might be real, but my existence is highly improbable.
I feel weightless,
like I could jump off a bridge and fly
But I can't even convince myself
I just hover on the knife's edge of uncertainty.
Am I real?
Or can I fly?
I know it's one or the other.
And I know it's double or nothing.
Either I'm real- just a person
(but- here's the rub- one who knows her limits...)
Or I'm not- I can fly and dance and
love men and **** dragons.

...

This knife blade is anguish.
I'm not suicidal.
I just want it to stop.

...

I need someone to prove me wrong.
I need you to look me in the eyes
And know that I am yours
And know that you are mine
And know beyond a doubt I exist
And maybe

just maybe

I'll see myself in your eyes
And you in mine
And some of that reflected certainty
might.
just.
stick.

....

*do you love me?
A cloudless sky
Misty and hazy nursing acute
Mental paralysis.
a desert of ideas
that's what my mind really is
a full emptiness of sorts.
The deed is done,
a puddle of red,
or rather
an ocean
of red
stains the floor.
Now to wait
till they
lock me away
in a mental institute,
the body was that of my son.
But they don't get it,
no one does.
This world is far
too cold
and
harsh
for life.
I brought him
into this world,
the guilt overpowered me
for all of his 13 years of life.
To see him ostracized
from everyone
because of the way he looks
and acts
was possibly the most painful thing
I have ever witnessed,
He tried so hard
to join in.
I didn't ever want
to end his life,
never intended to,
but he came home today
still an outcast.
Nothing we tried in the past had worked,
no amount
of discussions
with the principle,
or social workers,
did anything
but **** us over again.
So I stand here,
the ocean of blood before me
with a knife stuck in his chest (about where he heart is)
a noose around my neck, a chair underneath me.
This world is far too cold
and harsh, to survive in.
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