What makes a life worth living?
I've asked myself since that
day
unnamed
squashed
into a box
in the back of my head
What give you a right to be here
the voices
all echo
as the videos
play
repeat
bright
scenes
flashing
scarring
playing
on the back
of my eyelids
scenes of a three year old
thrown
beaten
stomped
rejected
abused
a four year old
neglected
beaten
ignored
a five year old
change of identity
facing issues
some go their whole lives without seeing
five years old
new mom
dad
family
name
hope
a six year old
loved
encouraged
touched
you heard me
touched
and not the kind of touch that
is
acceptable
okay
allowed
do no tell
he said
or you will get it
I never knew what he meant by get it
until I told and he made me
do more
see more
feel more
Does this make you uncomfortable?
These words flowing from my pen
to my mouth
These are the scenes
Reverberating in my skull
and the skulls of others like me
These
Are
The
Demons
I
Live
With
6 years
7 years
8 years
Ages one would look back on
and remember the good times
I look at the pictures
see all the smiles
I see behind them
they mean nothing to me
9 years old
I have spoken
My brother is gone
and I feel more
alone
rejected
destroyed
from
the
inside
out
And for the next few years
I knew of no
person
power
or anything
Nothing that could make me
feel
understand
accept
worthiness
love
hope
dreams
These are all foreign concepts.
Have you lived without these?
Without
hope
love
dreams
Neither have I.
For I caught a glimpse
I chose to die instead of living that shell.
And as those pills
screamed
yelled
taunted
insulted
My
Very
Existence
As I struggled to swallow
He reached into my heart
and He said to me
Child? You spit that out
And you tell me
Why?
Why is your faith so fake?
And I did.
And with those pills
I spit fire
Into the face of God
As I lamented my very
Existence
And He sat there
As the words piled
into
Mountains
As tall and vast
As oceans are deep
And he sat there
Silent
As I rained
Tears
And opened wounds
And as my breath
Heaved
As these mountains
Stood between us
I turned from him
And let him look at what
I lived with
A mustard seed of faith
Will move mountains they say
But what if faith created those mountains I ask?
Faith in a mother
Who stomped on me
Faith in father
Who rejected me
Faith in a family
Who neglected me
Faith in a brother
Who touched me
Child
He said as I cringed
I do not like this word and the memories it holds
Child
He repeats
The word floating from his lips.
What will you do to make me believe?
I ask as He begins to shake his head
Sadly he states
Child, I cannot MAKE you believe
He is everything and nothing in this moment
He is sad
He is powerful
He is perfect
He is loving
He is gentle
He is caring
He is untainted
He is loving
He is important
And he is here with me
imperfect
broken
rejected
And the words are at the tip of my tongue
And everything in me want to stop them
But I ignore the warnings
Rain down and destroy
Rain down and destroy
Rain down and destroy
ME
I whisper quietly
the
grave
severity
of my words
hangs heavy
in the air
as he nods
and with an unmatched force
the mountains erupt into volcanoes
and I am set free from what lies between us
With each
loving word
affirming embrace
the mountains
are crumbling
the power of words
diminished
And I come alive in the light of HIS grace
As a part of me dies
so He may
Give
Me
Life
Sometimes to stay alive
You've got to ****
All semblance
Of your reality
And look only to His
I died when I was 14
And I've died every day since then
As I wake up each morning
and
**** the part of me that deems me
unworthy
unnecessary
The part that tells me
I am not good enough
Pretty enough
Talented enough
To be loved
Because I know He loves
ME
And I am free
From the hurt
From the pain
From the guilt
From the burden
For so long
My questions are answered
My everything is His
and regardless of
hurt
heartbreak
rejection
loss
of the past
present
future
I have found the one my soul love.
He is my beloved
I am His.
I belong to Him
He has given me this
3rd identity
rooted
in Him
and His love
and this smile on my face will
NOT
be erased
And this love in my heart
will not be
diminished
Even though
I freely give
I have come alive in His Light
And if you think
I
Am
Too
Bright
Cover your eyes
Because I will not be
extinguished
Rather I will set
the world ablaze
with the fire I spit
in His face
That he made new
and poured
back
into
me.
I have been broken.
I have been beaten.
I have been rejected
I have been abandoned
But
I
Am
Light
I am hope
I am love
I am full of dreams
The way He intended me to be
What makes a life worth living?
The question remains in the back of heads
Across nations
Across worlds
Across histories
And the answer lies in an identity given to me by
The King of Kings
The King of Glory
The God of Creation
The God of the Israelites
The Father of the Most High
The Alpha
The Omega
Beginning
End
I call him father
I call him friend
I call him savior
And his name is
*Jesus Christ