I'm in love with the spitting image of a man
A man who isn't quite full grown
He still has some wishing
And some learning to gain in his life
And ain't no one to blame
But his past enamored self

What he once was,
Is lost
Truth be told
A door locked to his past
Is best

But for now
I'm in his life
Fully alive, and sober
We both are

It's enthralling
The smiles we bring to one another
The joy I feel in my heart

And oh look,
It's a new year

What more could there be,
That this new year could bring
*He already means so much to me

Sometimes there is you
Sometimes there is me

What have we done?
We spoke of fun

We laid our feet down, gently
We looked up at the moonbeam

We pondered
And wandered

And yet, we meet, again
Those old memories
Speaking volumes
The walls expose us

Deep inside, lay remnants
Decaying deposits of the past

These stars
They constantly stay
Never wavering

These stars
Unable to die
Like us

They have guided us back
And cast the path for us to go on

Words on the screen,
When they are lacking
I want to scream

Words on the screen
They are my life now
They are what bind me together

Words on the screen,
Etching forth
Consuming me

Words on the screen
They aren't much to live for
I need more

Words on the screen,
They cannot soothe me
Or keep me warm

Words on the screen
The empty screen
This time
Bring me chills

Words on the screen,
They are so much more
Than they seem

There is a sense of despair
anger, and sadness
in this constant distance that we have between us

The technology of today,
brings us closer
in a way,

Other times,
it makes the wall of distance
more solid

The lack of control
Can be...
Disheartening

I hate to think of that day
And the way I felt pain
Upon my face

I heard the crunching of your fist
That day much like today
Sticks in my mind like glue
That day I couldn't hurt you

Blood ran off your hand
Silently mumbling profanity
I slipped over to the vanity
To disguise the mess
And make you bleed less

What were you thinking?
Screaming
Punching at mirrors
Never stopping to think
Of the way my heart crashes
Every time that twinkle
In your eye
Loses light

Self conscious, paranoia
That's all I see
In my sight
When walls are breaking
From your strong might

Aug 9. 2011

I see you there, hey
Wasting your life away
Smoking that pipe up
Till you have hit the tip of the notch
To the very last drop

Not a care, not from you
No, the world you live in
Is quite barren
Rotted with layers of filth

I feel like you are less likely
To be loved or abused
This can be good for you

In your steady decline
Daily intoxication
Is not fine

You unfortunate man
Sobbing into your hair
While it rains
Nothing left but a beer
I hope you will change
Give greater care to
What is out there

Step onto your porch
Head to church
Send a prayer
To all who say Sir

You can be a great man
If you put down that can
Come right here lad
Confess your sins
Lean by the chair
Up there, near the front
The crowd will combust
Burning you in your lust


Jul 15. 2011

One way or another
I'll fly like a bird
I'll get out of here
I'll land on my own perch

No one can catch me
I'm free

I won't leave a trail
I'll just disappear
For a while,
I may fly back
When the leaves change

Just know this,
One way or another
I'll fly like a bird
I'll get out of here

I'll be too far gone
To reach with a caw
The sound will not make it
To my young ears

I'll be gone
Too far out to see
With binoculars

It's tragic
Negativity and lack of trust
from people I once knew
has dripped deep into my veins
like a slow virus,
set to explode.

Just sweep your mind over here for a minute
Bring that dust bin too
I have some sin for you to commit
Let's have a look
Do you need that hook?
No bass is going to feed off that
Are you wishing for a cook?
I'm not your gal
I've not done much in life y'all
Just sat here and played ball in a cup
For long hours
Useless waste of time
I'll admit


What is there to do
For an old maid like me?
I've run dry
Like the Sahara
No rain cloud in sight

8.11.11

If there were a way to mend your heart
Before it was broken, I would
If there were a way to get along with you
No negativity included, I would.
If there were a way to love you for all my days, I would.

Life has yet to set that path for me.
My trails are still bumpy, and long.
The temperature is ever changing,
And the sky has many shades of color for me to see.

1.26.11.

She is dripping 
With pretty hatred 
Her tears pour out 
Sinking her heart ship

No one notices
Her open mouth
Her need to cry out
No air 
Occupying her lungs 

Yet she jogs head first into 
The waves 
Not afraid to die young 

If only her love 
Could save her now

Her guy too mixed up
In worldly distractions 
Is no help to her,
Cause the fight she had left
He left on pause

Forever waiting...

Your face is a rose petal.  Your kisses make me bloom

The scars on your face
Are what I can't erase
From my mind

These scars have stood the test of time
No healing has been done
All that I see
Is what I run from

I need more depth,
I need more ******* depth
Please be deep
Like the ******* sea
Let me breathe in your ideas
Let me lick your past from your lips 

The good with the bad
I’m starting to forget what I had
Am I meant to know 
A list of all the reasons
That I love you so?


I lack that knowledge 
I am unsure of my tone


I can't get a grip
My emotions flee
Quite frankly
My glee,
Has gone missing...

Cause you said
You said
That I would be dead
Once you leave 
That I would be heartbroken 
But you did not
Did not
Get it right 

I'm more alive 
Free from the constant 
Droning of your voice 
Speaking sarcastic tones 

Those miserable woes 
That I felt rising inside of me
Clawing at my throat to speak
I am free
They are no more 
You cannot control me

maybe love isn't enough 
this feeling 
this feeling of distrust
detachment 
and lust

I give,
         I give 
I've given 
          I gave

Withering here now,
I am innocent babe

this love ain't enough

Today's a day
Much like jumping off a ledge
Without a bungee cord tied 
In a boy scout's knot
Falling free
Ready to hit the ground
Pit of rocks
Breaking your fall
At the end

Did you forget
I held your keepsake 
I held it as you walked away
Held it quietly 
Keeping it safe
For the day you come back to me

In some dark part of me,
I believe it true
That you really loved me
And did not treat me wickedly 

That you didn't leave scars 
For everyone to see

That the night,
You lit my face on fire
Was all a lie
A terrible dream
That could never happen to me 

Oh, did you forget?
Your cruelty 
The pain 
The torment that your screaming
Put me through

Your plague in my life 
Was not a mishap

An unfortunate mistake 
I've made,
Seeing you that way
Letting you see...
All my cracks 
And decay

Speaking much too soon
About your delay

All you ever wanted
All you ever spoke of,
Was love...

My blindness to that
Caused an earthquake 
A rupture in what 
Could have 
Been a fine design 

I choose wine these days
To set off the negative rhythm 
Going on in my mind
The negative thoughts 
Of what I have missed...

The what ifs have me caught up 
Torn,
Ripped apart 
Scattered in...
What could be a representative of  fine art
To be displayed in museums today

I do a lot of thinking
A lot of feeling
A lot of living for others
But what…
Have I done for myself?
Consideration for others is one thing
Consideration for oneself is another

Perhaps I lost a part of myself…
         I feel like… I’m missing pieces of me.
Seems as though due to all my truth, I’ve turned into a lie
        I was once more hyper in my expression in life
Always ready for the next bit of innocent fun…
       Not the next night spent in a drunken blunder
Laid up under the covers as the sun rises
      And lashes out bright rays upon my chest
I just wonder
      Where did my pieces go?
May I recapture them...in another moment,
       In time?
Is it too late?
      I want to gain knowledge, and experience
As well as grow in myself, as I get older
      Not lose who I once was…to the years passing by
I hope to guide,
      My withering hands
To a far off land,
      A land that I can only recollect memories of in my dreams
That’s how extreme I want my life to be.

We've hit the mark
To your tall grave

No plaque
No flowered haze

No ribbon tied on with haste
No mourners getting in late

I cannot stop 

The pressure
Of these thoughts 
Are weighing down on me

Pushing me under
Plunging me into the deep
I'm drowning in these thoughts
That I keep having of you 

I cannot fathom
Why I am so unglued
I cannot speak of these things
You abandoned me
Only to expect a full recovery, 
From me
The degree to the level of pain
That you caused
Ranks higher than the fog 
Above the treetops 

I gave up

Lost the thought
That we could be 
Together as one

I blocked off
All emotions that would not repair

This ability
May seem to make me appear 
Transparent 
Heartless and icy
But this is simply my protection mechanism 
Fit for an army
That has built up over time
To fight off my enemy
And protect the treasure
That is within me

So yes,
Regretfully I cannot stop
Thinking of you.

He came from a broken home
Bludgeoned with a rather large stone
Never thought he would be able to heal
And enjoy his last meal

But God spoke
God put forth the means to survive
God brought him back to life

The dam broke Wednesday
The salty liquids rushed out of my eyes 
For an hours worth road trip 
Only for shame 
Did it cease 
Forcing laughter
Wishing for some kind of peace 
Understanding from my quiet soul
From his heart, maybe he could 
Tear me apart
Analyze my insides
And repair the damage 
That has been wrought upon me 
Over these couple decades of life 
That I've lived

I am repulsed
By my **** poor dimly lit fire
Couldn't I have done better 
Couldn't I have scavenged the woods
Until I found a reasonable amount of fuel to keep this fire alive
Couldn't I have...

Push on
Keep pushing on
If you happen to break,
Call a tow truck to help you up

Push on before it's too late
Push on, this gas won't last all day

Brittle bones, they might hurt one day
Push on, before you are in your grave.

I wanted to write a poem
That showed all my pain

I wanted to write a poem
That you could frame

In your living room
Next to the mirror
That shows your rapid weight gain

I have been sedated
For months 
Since that moment 
You ruined my trust 

I have been without 
Feeling or emotion 
Concerning this person, you
But now the sensations 
Are coming back, they are sporadic
I believe I cannot cope

I do not want to go back into my memories 
I do not want to think of all the good times 

I do not want to think about your warmth
And how you held me tight
Drove far so that you could see me
Just about every night 

I can remember easily 
The burden that your misgivings 
Were on me
The stress that I held up
The efforts that I wasted 

For nothing but a little loving
That according to you, 
I never returned

Went to the grocery store 
Tonight
Thought of you 
Thought I might
Want to talk to you

All because I saw a man
Who had a hair cut like yours
A build like yours 

Made hot cocoa 
Tonight 

Remembered the times 
I made it for you

Mushy marshmallows
And your arms
To keep me warm

The good times
The weather 
Makes me dwell on

Typically you were a ***** 

Mostly I was angry 
Pretty lame
I'd say 

For me to think of you today. 

Sept. 18. 2011

This bat
Might do the trick?
I'm thinking it,
Will be wise
That I
Buy,
A wicked disguise
Keep it subtle

I won't be here to decorate
So there won't be scary masks
Just lots of praise
To congratulate
For my good display
Of bones
How easy they are to break
Hearts,
How easy they are to smash
Brains,
How easy they are to mold
Figures,
How easy they are to frame

Perhaps the next weapon
Of choice could be,
A bullet
To harm the mind
Of all people

Explode the suffering
We try to gasp ahold of

Afterwards all people
May be free
To decompose
With no woes

Let me sit here
Alone
With my pen

Let me become
Consumed in my thoughts
So much so that
I don't here the "hello"
From the friendly fellow
Bicycling on the trail behind me

Let me boil in rage
Grasping onto anything
Trying to let it all seep out slowly
I'll manage
If you just let me

Let me lose my reality
So I can become anew
Empty slate
Free to coagulate
Become thick with hate

I can be blunt
And distasteful 
In your face
Like a disease

I can be sick
And morbid
Blood pooling 
Into a puddle
At my feet

I can be cheery
And bashful
With sunshine
Coming out my ears

I can be all 
That you need
If only you could see

The scariest photos
Are the ones
Of you and I
Before you became insane 
Rather before I knew it
Witnessed it
And felt it

Looking at them
Gives me shivers down my spine
Like a chill in the air
Causing my muscles to quiver 
As normal people feel
When faced by demons
I feel it only after 
The flame has gone out

I hope it is still there
The spark in the air
The magnetic field surrounding us 

I hope it is still there
The butterflies causing my heart to flutter
The stutter 
I have to withhold 
When you are near

The gazes into your eyes
Before our lips meet 
Again and again
Making it hard for me to breathe

I hope it is still there
In a month's time
When you can be all mine

I feel chaos
At your feet

I see blood
As you weep

Broken glass
A sodden lass

What a mess
OH, such a mess

Weren't you taught
How to tie your shoes
How to clean your feet
Scrub in between your toes

Weren't you taught
To not,
Speak to strangers?

*Don't you have a sense of danger?

You used to go on about the most ridiculous things 
And then you would tell me you love me
You used to tell me all the things that you wanted me to change 
And then you would tell me you love me
You would get drunk 
Black out and do foolish things
And then you would tell me you love me
We wouldn't talk for days
You kissed another babe
And then you tell me you love me

I'm not sure what set off your twisted rage 
But you nearly broke my leg
And then you told me you love me 

I'm deeply set in my ways 
No one gets to keep the change 
Especially a boy not fit for the stage

Just the other day 
You said hey
And didn't tell me you love me
My greatest hope is that it will stay that way
Even less than a hey would be nice for me

There is this girl I know
Who lost all her innocence 
When he proposed
He wasn't looking for commitment though 
Only looking to pop her rose
Also known as cherry liquid
That is exposed 
When her thighs are spread apart
Like a turkey on thanksgiving day
Everyone is just waiting to get a taste

I would like to go live
In an Amish community
For a day or two
Just to see if my mood would improve

I went to sleep at eleven
Woke up at four
I thirst
I thirst for more
I drank too much
I forgot the score 

Have you won yet,
Or are we just like before ?
Have you manned up yet,
Or are you waiting for 
 A miracle to be performed?

Because you can wish
With all your might for happiness
To swim ashore
But you won't be happy none
Until you given all you've won
And evened out the score

Lay down your hand
That royal flush 
Cash in your winnings
Listen to me like you did before

I'm tired of being your little woman
Buying your trash 
Cooking the cash

Why don't you get up off the floor,
And help me some
Before I become
All that you hate
And walk right out that door

As the morning sun
Rose up
and shined upon my face

I smiled
and giggled some

It was Saturday after all
With no work in place
I could be free
Of wasted sums
Worry none about who might come
And give me misery

No clocking in
No breaks today

Laying in the sand
Awaiting the end of the day

Watching men throw
The football around
Girls shivering
As the wind kicks up

Propping myself on my shoes
Looking out at the view

Negativity surrounds
Making me feel blue

There are days
Where I write
About the feelings that fade
About the discoveries that I've made

The times I've dwelled for far too long
On empty souls
That pass by me

I've pounded at this mighty brick wall for quite a while
With my fists
Hoping it would budge
My knuckles are busted
My chest burns
Sweat trickles down my chin
And still,
The wall stands tall
Proud, and stubborn
Not likely to fall

There are days
Where I write
Just to put my mind at ease

There are days
Where I write
Outside in the breeze

There are days
Where I write
That
The wall
Falls to my feet
Crumbling much like me

The man at the bar
He is a young ****
He's got years on his slate
Double my own

A bottle of scotch
He swishes away
The British way

Born in London
Now a Southerner

Touring the country
With his Wife,
Elene

Not missing a thing
Quite the engineer

Laughing away
With each glass
The bartender brings

Flapping his yap
At the pretty young miss
Residing at the bar
Enjoying her dinner
No longer feeling a part
From the crowd

The less I feel
The less I hate

The less I breathe
The less air I take

The less I see
The less I need

There could have been the world for us
There could have been endless nights
Passed out on the couch
Locked in each others arms
No reality
But our own
Happiness in the smiles we proposed

The strange thing is,
You two are a completion
Of one
Deciding on only a half
I would always be missing some


The weird thing is,
Sometimes the pair of you
Do not cross my mind for a day or two


Just suddenly do I think hey
Remember that day?


In that moment, I breathe the thoughts away
I'm just a disease
Hoping to infect a perfect combination of graffiti
Not stopping to think
Girl, you've got ***** too


Not the kind found on Christmas trees
Not the kind between your knees


Just the kind that
Make me speak up
For my own needs

I miss the fun
The excitement always stirred up
When near the perfect pair


The anxiety I felt
When caught off guard
Running with the wind
To dash off from the man
Who threatened our gear
With his bright lights
And badge of fake gold


One of you stands bold
As the other lingers
Lingers...
In the right direction

I hate that we are vague
I hate that I want to pour out all these words onto you

I hate that I threw away the many pages
Of words written about you

This is not written
In sadness
Or regret

Just annoyance
In letting myself try to trust

That man was just a boy
With psychotic tendencies

He would have broken my face
If I had stayed in place

He ripped those pages
To shreds almost
In his jealous rage

It was the past,
The past I tell you!

How can one be so angry over
Past memories?

Like swimming in ripped jeans
They can be disposed of
With the torn seams
No worries there

Been reading poems lately
And they've led me to thoughts of you
Memories just came up
Of all that you wrote
In my high school yearbook

I write often now
Not sure if you were aware
I wrote back there
There, then back when
We were a pair

I hope this does not muck up
Your day
My plan is just to
Open up
And breathe

Past feelings have come up
Due to these memories
That I have stirred awake

I made plenty of mistakes
Of that, I am sure you know
All I hope for now
Is for your intelligence
To be brought out
And shown to the world
Because I always listened when you spoke
Words on the phone
Or those that were on paper

You've got quite a rhyme scheme
You always were so clean
Often just stepping out of the shower
It seemed like, walking towards me

In the airport
You held such a handsome smile
Blue eyes that could shine for miles

We never used to let go
Not back then
We would hold tight
With an iron grip hold
Breaking briefly to make a mold

Cried tear after tear
Back then
Those days long gone

I'm looking for real friends
Not ill effects

I don't want your fickle friendship
Where I hold regrets

Getting lost in weekend plans
When I just want to chill on the quiet land
Where the birds are the only noise around

Except when our voices
Compare notes
And we laugh as we pass the roads
That lead to nowhere
And everywhere in between

For a beer in one hand,
I see a man cannot live without

Anxiety kept under wraps
A special need escaping out

All men they need
Attention that with they feed

Dying quietly inside
What men say often
Is not what they mean, or even need

Unclear of how dear
One woman can be to thee

Lost, but without fear
A man will win out

No woman can hear
The man as he wimpers near

Crying up to the sky
Succumbed by his pride

No passions
He falls to his knees

As if surrendering will
Help him rise to his feet
Without sacrifice of Love
Or Blood

My job, you see
It is pretty ******

I seek pleasure from it
I get new perceptions
From all the distraught folks
That walk through those doors

All the coworkers I share
In these few years
I've enjoyed the many different
Inflections we have all taken part in

It has a been a good few years
People never ceasing to amaze me
The compulsive liars
The drugged and diseased
It is all carried within me

My ears hear them
My eyes see who they are
Their appearance gives them away

My heart feels their pain
In this pain, I hold no sympathy

My compassion is a movie set
It is in action on the clock
Camera is off when that doors swings shut
My body on the opposing side

When my body dissipates into the darkness
I go on to live my day
Without the stress and anxiety
No one rings the bell
Taps their feet
Screams in front of me

I do not hear the phone
No more people to call
No angry glares
I'm off, and I like it that way