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268 · Jan 2019
Sabatoge
You made me feel guilty when I liked something
Kept me isolated from my sister, and other family
Told lies on me so society would hate me
Controlled me so that I'd act around others the way you planned
Sent me away to be fixed, because you said I was broken.
Pretended you cared, but that was just an act
Confused, scared and left me feeling insecure
Made me feel unwanted, not important and in your way
You called me names, ignored me and made demands
Drank and blamed it on me, but hid it from others
You were never a good mother because you abused me everyday of my life.
But you were the one who came out smelling like a rose
While I continue to suffer under your lies.

Copyright 2019
All rights reserved
Christmas is upon me, it's just another year
that I  am reminded of the past, and I sit in tears

Everything was supposed to be about, fun, parties and shopping
While my mother sat pouting in her chair, yelling and drinking

If I wasn't so bad, she'd say, we could go visiting others
But I was the one who always had to deal with my mother

You didn't act as I expected you to when you opened your gift
She'd run off to her room, pretending to cry because she was miffed

I'd then take each gift and go to her room and unwrap them slowly
& tell her how much I liked it, and she always made me feel lowly.

She said "You ruined another Christmas, when it was for you nice
The way you are, some day you will pay for your deeds the price


Copyright 2018
all rights reserved
working on still
209 · Jan 2019
The Enemy Within
My Enemy lies within me
I've learned to hate myself
for who I am, and who I am not
dreams that were never born and others, shot down by my mother.
never being good enough, something about me was very bad.
others were better, smarter and deserved happiness when I did not.
dependent on her as she encouraged,  lied to others of my demands
Mothers words are poison, toxic, filled and spewing destruction
Though she's gone, those words are still heard inside my head at everything I do.
haunted by her choice of words, using them on myself daily hearing her anger inside my head

copyright Jan 23, 2019
all rights reserved
169 · Jul 2019
Grandma's Quilt
On my grandparents farm I recall
laying in the grass on the quilt that grandma made
looking up through the breezy tree's to the blue skies and bright sun
Summer half over, getting close to harvest time
The grandparents are walking through their fields of vegetables to be harvested
Uncle sitting on the tractor under a shady tree sipping at some tea
My aunt  sitting on the porch swing drinking some pop, resting after cleaning out the Smokehouse.
Gathering and cleaning ball and mason jars for harvest
It's been a busy summer of growing the fall harvest.
The cows standing outside the fence looking at me as if I'm going to entertain them.
We are preparing for family to arrive to construct the bountiful harvest for the following spring.
I see one car turn in, then another and another, then a line of five cars turn, and drive up the long lane.
a work in progress
Christmas isn't always joyful for everyone
Many are homeless, ill and in need of care
Ignored by those who are always happy
No one wants to be burdened with sorrow
It's better to visit with those who make you happy
Because problems are that persons fault
So it's best not to get involved
They could have a mental illness
Staying in your cozy life
Don't step out of the circle
Is a way to pretend that all things are good
While the rest of the world needs attention

Copyright 2018
all rights reserved
98 · Apr 2020
The Covid Effect
Tangled Emotions-The Covid-19 Effect

I feel like we (I) are living in suspended animation, stop action, or caught in a time warp, on pause, on hold, virtual reality, surreal, dazed, stuck, and drugged, in a fog, between two worlds. This doesn’t feel real to me. When will I wake up?

All these emotions are running amok in me. I feel I’m being pulled in many directions, what am I supposed to do, think or feel? How am I supposed to act? What is expected of me? Who am I? Where do I go from here? What’s next?

I can’t think, I can’t feel, I can’t breathe, I’m numb to the very core, I’m expecting something bad to happen, something that may or may not ever come. I feel like in my head that I’m a prisoner that can never get out. I want to cry but I can’t, I want to scream but I can’t, I want to hide but I can't, I want to run, but I can’t. I’m waiting for death, I’m waiting for life.

I’m in the middle of nowhere, floating in space, I’m in the middle of the field and as far as I can see there are trees and grass, but no people or animals, and no other life. I’m running in circles, and I can’t stop, my head is spinning like a top. Waiting for uncertainty to stop I am alone.

This is building inside me like a volcano, and the New Madrid fault lines are rumbling, this is a Tsunami ready to flow but there is nowhere for any of this “fallout” to go, Trying to make the best out of a merciless situation.

Copyright 2020
all rights reserved
a work in progress
95 · Mar 2022
Robert the Horse
There once was a stubborn horse named Robert
Who wished he could send his owner into orbit

Robert was named after my grandfathers close friend
Stubborn, to take advice or suggestions, he'd never bend

For when he was called, only to my grandmother he’d respond
Because of my grandfather for some reason, he wasn’t too fond

On Roberts back my grandfather would climb
And rode him to the fields, to work till dinner time

Grandfather always wondered if Robert ever caught on
To his nemesis who always pulled a bait and switch con

All rights reserved
Copyright 2022
True poem My grandmother always had to call the Robert the Horse for my grandfather, but my grandfather got on his back and rode to the fields to work.
95 · Mar 2022
Two little squirrels
Two happy little squirrel's playing near the curb
Driving by in my car I didn't want to disturb

They acted as if they wanted to cross
I slowed down and took a quick pause

First one crossed, and then another
And were happily once again together

Hope many others will want do the very same
Not watching out for animals would be a shame


Copyright 2022
All rights reserved
PUBLISHED IN 2024
74 · Feb 2022
One Spring day
Two boys were playing enjoying their wonderful Spring break
Living in the same neighborhood their friendship could partake

They were close friends and played together quite often
''till one day that they should have taken extreme precaution

They broke into a locked gun cabinet; the gun fell to the floor
A gun discharged hit the boy and he went running out the door.

Ambulance and police Found him in the friend’s back yard
Later dying in a hospital, his friends and family were scarred

He'd collapsed in a panic while running to his home
So now forever as a ghost this boy will always roam

One boy who grew up to be a man, never talked of this story again
He may tell the story to his wife and kids, or perhaps not even then

The death of his friend he carried very many years of guilt
This boy who turned into a man will always carry this to the hilt.

That boy was my friend, that I never got to grieve
For it is everyday that I will continue to bereave

Copyright 2022
All rights reserved
True story, of the tale of two friends of 47 years ago.
74 · Jul 2022
Struggles
I've struggled for years in not knowing how to act
What to do or how to handle situations that might need great care
Only taught how to spend money and make fun of others
While my aunt was teaching her kids etiquette
My mother was teaching me everything but.
Pretending to care about me around others
At home it was daily insults, drinking and abuse.
I never knew what to do, always being afraid and intimdated by her
Hearing her voice of insults still today, I most of the time don't know
What to do, or which end is up.
She has destroyed me inside and out
The daily unstability that I feel with in myself.
Knowing that still today she would never approve or accept me
I was never good enough and, could never please her no matter what I did.

Unable to fulfill things in life I should have, but never having help
to get to where I need to be or should have been.

My life is full of confusion, wishing many times I was not here.
only holding on for a child,  I hope I've done a better job raising

A few years ago I was forced to move, having to dump all my beautiful furniture to afford the move.
I have had to furnish my home with furniture that had been dumped.

Some how with a glimmer of hope and feeling inside that I'm the luckiest person and I have so much.

I suffer with Agoraphobia and anxiety not knowing what to do next. Sometimes afraid to check the mail or take out the trash.

Hearing again my mothers voice, the disappointment I am to her.

No one has had to do what I've had to do to survive. Well maybe some have, but not in my family. I am the black sheep of the family.
Today that neighbor at me, still is upset and fuming
Over my reporting her noisy kids at all hours booming

A normal person would have apologized and fixed the situation
Neighbor, was angered and violence she used on this occasion

Threatened me with a baseball bat
And just acted like a spoiled brat

Recently saw her youngest (& oldest a few years back) with a broken arm
I feel her bad temper, & emotional abuse she is causing her kids great harm.

I've seen her make many demands of her oldest child to carry
Things that were too heavy down the stairs, and it was scary

He'd beg and plead for help, and at him she yelled
Struggling and panting, in his eyes the tears weld

Her youngest once begged to be carried down the stairs
Mother demanded she walked and didn't seem to care

I've seen her be mean to her kids many times & leave them alone
But others still see her as innocent and put her high on a throne

I do believe she'd **** me if she had a chance
Then the neighbor could do her happy dance.

She knocked on my door and ran
By then I was figuring out her plan

Tried to cause a wreck with me in the parking lot
But told the manager it was me and all my fault

Manager took herside even though she knew me longer
Proves neighbor is a con artist, lies make her stronger

After her long night on the town, she loudly stomps up the stairs at 3 am
Declares innocence, then cons friends and passes off quite the scam

She fixed the carpet so that when I came in I'd trip
My insane neighbor really needs to get a grip

Remembering many times when she'd leave her young kids alone
Her kid's looking for her out the window, I could never condone

She wants to make sure that I see her or her kids everyday
Must have that attention and intimidate me with her display

Always goes out of her way to make sure I see her
My former stalker neighbor is really a monster.

She is a neighbor that you pay the price to report
I've suffered her wrath and several times in court

Neighbor apologized to the court for my actions
She's gossiping this ******* on me as a distraction

I never said here kids were bad just wanted them to
Be quite so I could sleep and rest  I felt that, I was due

My winning the second time in court she really wasn’t expecting
The stalker had stacks of lies an inch high, would to me be affecting

But she never got to utter a word.
Not one lie on me the judge heard

She thought she had the judge wrapped from the first time in court,
But instead, I got something she desired and all lies are thwarted

Judge gave her a lecture, on her claims against myself
And all her untruths where finally put on a shelf

Told my stalker neighbor, "she never did anything to you", as neighbor sat stifled in her chair
Her lawyer also said he didn't agree, to my being jailed and evicted she wanted to do to me. He’d swear

Neighbor embarrased over the judge giving her a lecture
But what neighbor presented on me was pure conjecture

Now she sends her kids to spy on yours truly,
My former neighbor is just an obese bully

For years I've always wondered what size tent
She fits in best, a 4,  6 or 8 room, with free rent

They come by driving or walking their dog
All in the plan for her kids to be the cog

Just to see if they can catch a glimpse enough to intimidate
While the mother still pretends to be important and great

I keep my mouth shut and my distance.
While she continues her stalking persistence

She tries to taunt me by doing childish stunts, and evil stares,
I just ignore her and go my own way. Walking away as she glares

On her phone, laughing, and pretending to be happy, but I see it as being fake as I know, really happy she's not.
She could never drag me back into court, as the judge knows that she is a liar and has been caught.

In her tiny 2nd fl, 2-br apartment she has five people and a dog
Her mother, she, and 3 children, overcrowded and living in a fog.

When her kids were young she'd put the two girls on bunk bottom  the son on the top, which today since adult, is a problem.

How can you be happy when crammed in like sardiens
When the two youngest are just now arriving in their teens

She talked of having a 4th, saying she just loved kids
When I knew she was having them to stay on the grid

The mother of three has her own master bedroom, that is fixed up very pretty and nice.
While the grandmother sleeps in living room, the daughter, never her own happiness would ever sacrifice.

She has several judgements against her and I know she is really stuck.
This narcissist attention seeking neighbor is just an ignorant schmuck

She is just starving for attention and will do anything to get it.
Loves to take pictures of herself for Fce Bk and will never quit

Stalker has no hobbies, never had a job, volunteered or has a life,
Except for being on her phone always looking very strife

Hoping she will grow up and get on with her existence as she still has children to be raised.
Thinking her negligence will cause her trio of three, to be criminals that will be crazed

This is a person who has taken her friends to court in the past
Trying to get large sums of money and those she lambasts

The only thing she can do is to con others and use her kids
To make you feel sorry for her, just enough to do her bid

I once did because of her three kids, but soon realized
She was just taking advantage and was soon destablized

People feel sorry for her and buy her expensive things
Why she doesn't have to work and her praises she sings

When I first met her and shook her hand
I then felt unneasy and not so grand

I thought I was just imagining things
But knowing her made my life sting

She was the one who told me that her kids all had different fathers
Pretending those men all left her alone and without any answers.

I didn't believe it for a minute but gave her the benefit of the doubt
I really did not care as long as I never have to babysit her fall out

She'd insult things in my apartment calling it "Ghetto"
I knew then that she was prejudice and quite shallow

Neighbor doesn't know how to make friends
Yet she knocked on my door, to me she offends

She said she bought her huge SUV after she quit her job
I really think this deceiving neighbor is a fat lying snob

She feels she's "high class" & respected because of her big auto
But she's nothing more than lies and shaped like an avacado

I worry about the youngest one, as I feel the mother is grooming
To be mothers flunky, in later years of her a crime is looming
30 · Mar 7
Time for a change
May, It’s quite an eventful thrilling time
For many it’s planning for the prom,
Choosing fashionable attire, and getting that new hair style
Receiving your graduation gown, class rings, and signing year books
Exchanging pictures and addresses of your college.
Clearing out your locker, some for the very last time
As you look back with pride and forward with ambition
It’s the end of an era, and start of a new journey
Congratulations to all the 2024 graduates!

copyright 2024, all rights reserved
27 · Mar 7
April Showers
April showers
It’s time to start thinking
About nature to begin peaking
It rains frequently off and on
Then spring will soon dawn
Bringing vividly colored blossoms
That they will be most awesome

— The End —