On my grandparents farm I recall
laying in the grass on the quilt that grandma made
looking up through the breezy tree's to the blue skies and bright sun
Summer half over, getting close to harvest time
The grandparents are walking through their fields of vegetables to be harvested
Uncle sitting on the tractor under a shady tree sipping at some tea
My aunt  sitting on the porch swing drinking some pop, resting after cleaning out the Smokehouse.
Gathering and cleaning ball and mason jars for harvest
It's been a busy summer of growing the fall harvest.
The cows standing outside the fence looking at me as if I'm going to entertain them.
We are preparing for family to arrive to construct the bountiful harvest for the following spring.
I see one car turn in, then another and another, then a line of five cars turn, and drive up the long lane.

I have always wished that someone would say
Please let me help,  I will take your pain away

For many years I've been in mental anguish
Mother's insults made me want to vanish

I live in a prison that is in my mind  
This I know because, I'm deeply entwined

You've carried a heavy burden, for so many years
Being a single parent of an ill child can bring many tears

In my late fifty's things have never changed
Because of my mother, my family is estranged

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You made me feel guilty when I liked something
Kept me isolated from my sister, and other family
Told lies on me so society would hate me
Controlled me so that I'd act around others the way you planned
Sent me away to be fixed, because you said I was broken.
Pretended you cared, but that was just an act
Confused, scared and left me feeling insecure
Made me feel unwanted, not important and in your way
You called me names, ignored me and made demands
Drank and blamed it on me, but hid it from others
You were never a good mother because you abused me everyday of my life.
But you were the one who came out smelling like a rose
While I continue to suffer under your lies.

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I love you with all my heart, and you are okay.
Instead I heard will you forever go away?

I will look out for you. You are safe. I am here for you,
Instead she always made me feel sad and feel blue

Mother only taught me how to spend money
Never how to save, she thought that was funny

Loved to see when in my life I was in a bad place
Just another reason to tell family I was a disgrace

In my family, mother did so much damage
Looks like every things to her advantage

The lies she told on me to others were in her favor
When in truth my mother was really the betrayer

I am a prisoner of her actions
and she loved the satisfaction

Because this was her power
That would make me cower

She could control me like a puppet
While things in my life would plummet

She convinced others that I was very bad
So I'd have no one, this made her glad

Bad things in my life she said were always my fault
But abuse she put on me would never come to a halt

I'm still living in the shadows of her abuse
Even though I live far away, I am a recluse

Not a day or night goes by that I don't hear in my head
All those many unkind words to me she always said


Copyright Jan 6, 2019
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Christmas isn't always joyful for everyone
Many are homeless, ill and in need of care
Ignored by those who are always happy
No one wants to be burdened with sorrow
It's better to visit with those who make you happy
Because problems are that persons fault
So it's best not to get involved
They could have a mental illness
Staying in your cozy life
Don't step out of the circle
Is a way to pretend that all things are good
While the rest of the world needs attention

Copyright 2018
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Another year of Christmas to spend alone
It's supposed to be the happiest time of the year
But my only memories of Christmas past are sorrowful
Mother was never happy, and would rather drink
She'd sit and pout and make me feel guilty.
Just another Christmas that I ruined she'd say
I believed it was my fault, and wondered why I was like this
Trying to make things nice for my child, and hide the tears
Nothing is as bad as repeating the mistakes my mother made
But I keep thinking of the hell that I lived through every year


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Christmas is upon me, it's just another year
that I  am reminded of the past, and I sit in tears

Everything was supposed to be about, fun, parties and shopping
While my mother sat pouting in her chair, yelling and drinking

If I wasn't so bad, she'd say, we could go visiting others
But I was the one who always had to deal with my mother

You didn't act as I expected you to when you opened your gift
She'd run off to her room, pretending to cry because she was miffed

I'd then take each gift and go to her room and unwrap them slowly
& tell her how much I liked it, and she always made me feel lowly.

She said "You ruined another Christmas, when it was for you nice
The way you are, some day you will pay for your deeds the price


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