Well, if your still reading, then good for you.......you can handle my life.....

Well, since we talked on me not able to cry for too long, lets get a little in depth....

Mostly, my mom would yell at me, calling me(and I quote) *****, *****, ****, ****, *******, ***, assadine, *** whole, *******, ******* *****, and it goes on and on, with mixes and new ones........well, with that she'd yell at me to stop crying, and with each word came a swift kick to my back, and they mostly landed along my spine...... I still experience pain when I lay down, sit up, or even randomly when walking or sitting. It feels like knives are being put into that area...... I know cause I accidentally got stabbed on my hand while doing dishes...... I hate knives...... Any way that's that, and from then on I rarely cry.

Why can't the rain be seen as beautiful
Like it asked to be the symbol of depression
Why does the world see it as being the dark Lord of the night
As if its dropping are toxic waste ready to burn us all away
Why must the rain be viewed as pure ugliness
As if what it has done for us mean absolutely nothing
Doesn't it mean something
It has watered the crops that feed us
Gave us hope when none existed
But instead of being praised like it should be...
It is viewed as the god of destruction just like its counterpart fire
Another understood element
Rain...they sing songs about it
Wishing it to go away
Disgracing its name
Again calling it,"destruction"
But the way I see it...
Us being humans have no right to be calling anyone destructive
We have caused more destruction than rain could ever imagine
So in my eyes...natures eyes
Rain is beautiful and it is we who are the uglies

Well, if you've gone through part one and don't feel well, don't read any further.......

Ok, I'm jumping back, before I was ten. I grew up with my mom 'sick' (really, it was narcotics) I thought she was mostly tired and sick. I didn't know the truth until I was thirteen. Well, while growing up, I raised my four bros I knew about and my only sister, (until she was caught, I thought I was the oldest of six, found out I'm second oldest of eight) anyway, I really hated my brother who I thought was the first brother I had. Well, I hated him because..........mom actually showed him attention and love........ And for those thinking 'parents love their kids, and it's just the child's imagination of favoritism', well, try being kicked in the back for crying from age five/six until your nine or so......... my mom wanted a boy first, but got me. :/ I tried everyday to get her attention......... she was seventeen when she had me, so I kept thinking, back since I was three/four, I was a mistake........well, I was so deeply upset, I tried to **** my self several times, I tried over dosing about twenty times(each time, my migraine went away, and that was it, hell, I kept taking large bottles of pain killers) I tried suffocation(found out I can breathe even through thick material, beds, pillows, etc.) I even tried poison berries(ps, those things taste nasty, and of course, nothing happened) I think I'm just immune/resistant to death....... never could figure out why nothing happened......... :/ I just gave up, (and from my mom kicking me and calling me every obscenity in the book while I was young and crying, I can't cry for long......... I can cry for a minute or less, but no longer :/...........

Well, had to go through my stuff
I find I own more guys stuff than my brother :/
About half my shirts are in men's
3/4 of my shoes are men's
1/4 of my jeans are men's
All my body products are men's axe I love the smell of axe :)
Every Barbie I've ever had is headless I really don't like barbies
And I really don't own much girly gunk My moms a tomboy, and so raised me as such (doesn't hurt my cousins taught me how to fight)
And from my moms side of the family, there is very few females....... So, no real girly female influence their
Heck, my cousins taught me how to fight while in a dress and heels, it was fun wrestling them....... :) Hahahahaha!