What do you do when your pain killer
Is the thing making you hurt
And its dramatic irony
Because everyone knows it but you?
How do I fix it now?
Because I was chugging down an anti-venom
Only to find out that it was donated
By the fangs that pierced my skin.
What do I do
When theyve locked me up in a padded room
But then I find a way to hurt myself with the cushions?
How do I handle the fact
That the thing that was helping me so much
Was making me go blind
So I couldn't read its warning label?
I was treating you like a ******* medicine
But you turned out to be poison.

Like an old abandoned house,
I have boarded the windows
So no one can see out or in.
The door is locked and double bolted
And the furnace is unlit
Because nobody has gotten close enough
Or close at all,
To the fireplace in the center, slightly to the right
To strike a match and ignite it.
Its cold and dark,
And the ghosts of the past float around,
Warning whoever comes near
That I'm only good for a demolition
Not a remodeling team.
The attic is clustered and filled
With regret
The euphoric sense that I have longed for
Was packed in a box,
Which the previous tenant took
When he left.
The floorboards creak with melancholy
And the deafening silence
Echos the loneliness of a mind
That is both too empty and too full
All at once.
Its beautifully strange
And there's a certain mystery
That draws people to me,
But not enough to make them stay.

If your voice could be injected
Or if way your lips feel on mine
Could be put into a pill,
I swear to god I'd never touch a drug
In my life.
If I could bottle the euphoric feeling
My mind gets
When your arms wrap around me,
I'd drink it, and be drunk daily.

And if I could bottle your disappointment
Or your despair
Or the way your face drops when you're feeling down,
I would be packaging the world's quickest suicide method.

In school they teach you
To watch yourself around controlled substances
And to stay away from peer pressure.
But they never mentioned the more dangerous drugs,
The ones you can't get rid of.
They never warned me about the drugs
With eyes that can see right into your soul
And repair a shattered heart
With just the feeling of its hand
In yours.
You are one of those drugs
And I am addicted.

If you're not the architect
Then you're the demolisher, right?
But what if you're both?
I'm both.


I will build you up high like the worlds greatest skyscraper
And you'll touch God's face and whisper in his ear
Thanking him.
I'll paint you better than Michelangelo would ever
And I'll only place in your interior
The finest jewels and gems.
But then I'll tear you down,
Smash you with a wrecking ball.
Spend years tearing down every wall
Only to leave you with nothing but a foundation,
A cement bottom and empty wooden posts.

I will destroy you without ever meaning to
Because I'm venomous and unaware of it.
I'll leave golden specks in your mind
But bruises on your soul,
I'll make your heart beat
And then I'll tear it apart.
I'm a playful king cobra and I don't know my own strength,
I'll nibble your ear and then release my kiss of death.
I bet you've always wondered why they name natural disasters after people,
And I swear to god after meeting me you'll know.

Things that **** me
Only thrill me.
Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust,
Drinking in the hopes that my bones
May begin to rust.
It may be a little crazy,
But I like to see the cuts.
Shoot me shoot me
For the ****,
I know its deadly
To take these pills.
Mirror mirror
Can't you see?
All I am
Is killing me

I know that I'm running through your veins and causing your heart to race, but its no longer an euphoric sense of excitement. my venom has been stored up in your mind waiting for its release through memories. you sit there and think of me, unaware that you're no longer immune to it, and so it begins to burn through your bloodline and make its way to your beautiful heart, where it will slowly turn it black and cold, an action only reversible by a love that isn't mine

Beautiful
Peaceful
Quiet.
They build vacation spots
And towns
Around me.
"Its inactive
It'll be fine".
Mysterious
In the way
That things are building up.
They visit me
And hold their breath
In awe.
And when I erupt
They run
As if they had no clue it would happen.
When I finally do
What I am meant to do,
They blame me
Call me a disaster and hide
As if they didn't know
That lava was inside.

I'm doing it so much
That its not an escape anymore
Its just a routine.
Destroying myself
On the inside and out,
Making it seem
Like I'm in a dream.
Its insane
How my brain
Makes me feel like the pain
Is really just happiness to me.
Going through the motion
Underage but drinking the potion
Because maybe I wish it was poison.
Bliss comes in tablets
And it comes in cuts too
I'm absolutely crazy
But it helps when I'm blue.

Your eyes were liquid gold
And your lips were pink rose petals
Your arms were the stitches
That held me together.
Your ears were a catching mitt for all of my fears
Your shoulder was a sponge for all of my tears.
Your voice was a narcotic of which I was addicted
Your chest was a pillow for the head
That was most troubled.

And now your eyes
They haunt me at night
Your lips are a memory
Your arms are a fright to my mind.
Your voice is a guillotine
And your words are daggers
You dont miss me a bit
Which breaks me into peices and parts
And the loss of you
Is a direct connection
To the darkening of my heart

They always say not to let your happiness
Be dependent on something
Or someone
That can leave in an instant
But that's exactly what I find myself doing.
You are the cause of my smile
And the repellent of my frown.
The way your touch covers me
In a seran wrap layer of
Happiness that warms me
Both inside and out,
The way your voice ignites
A fire in my cheeks
And unlocks the cage to a million insects
That fly around my intestines
Bumping into the walls of my organs,
That is something I have become dependent on.
I don't do this,
I don't let down my walls
Usually.
But then you came in,
And knocked them down with every sledgehammer of a smile,
Every bulldozer of a kiss,
And now you're the remodeling team,
Repainting
And heating
The darkest room in the house.

We craved eachother
But I was bad for you.
You craved my taste
So I cut my lips off.
You craved my smell
So I masked it.
You craved my touch
So I wore mittens.
You craved my voice
So I removed my tongue.
Then I realized you crave my presence
And this craving was killing you slowly,
So I set myself on fire
And let myself burn
So you could crave me no longer.

The devil found my ashes and resurrected me
And like a phoenix I rose,
He said he'd ease your craving and give me life
In exchange for just my soul.
And I went to find you to see if it worked
And it did. You craved me no longer.
But even in this new form,
This newly ressurected body,
There was nothing I wanted more than you
Because somehow my memories
Didn't burn with my skin and flesh.

And I remember you used to yell
"I love you" like it was an insult
And I would smile in confusion
And watch your eyes light up as I said it back
Thinking that it was all in my head.
But now as I lay here alone
Reminiscing and missing you,
With a tear soaked face and a worn out brain,
I realize that those words hurt me now
More than any insult ever could.

You are the sun
Warming my face and leaving behind
A gentle red mask that can be painful
But is anxiously waited upon throughout the cold spell when I am without you.
You are a gentle whirlpool,
Spinning me around and lulling me in,
But I am a geyser to the ones I love,
Pushing them out
Before they get the chance to try and discover
My intermost secrets.
And though we are the same element,
We could never coexist
Because I am a threat to your being,
And you need me to change the nature of my ways
But as many times as I try,
A geyser can not be persuasive,
Except to those who like danger.

I'm drowning myself from the inside out
I can feel it
And I can hear my organs screaming for help.
My heart is all doped up
It feels nothing at all.
My stomach is sinking right down to my toes
I'm hoping it stays there, I hope that time slows.
I feel nothing but sadness, depression, despair
My skin is cut open, and I'm ripping out hair.
Tie an anchor to me and throw me in deep,
My insides can feel it,
Won't life set me free?

Its hard to be broken
In the way that I'm broken.
Nobdoy can see it
Or hear the words I've left unspoken.
If you look very closely
As I walk by you can see
Little pieces of myself falling off of me.
I used to pick them up,
Take them home and glue them
Then put them back on.
But lately I'm getting tired of fighting to be strong.
Now I look back
At the trail of shards I've left,
And smile sickly as people destroy them,
Walking on them step by step.
I guess I don't care enough
To scream for the sake of me
But then again, when I try to
No sound comes out of me.
I'm watching myself fall
Into a dark, cold endless pit
And I can't seem to do anything
But sit back and watch it win.

I like the way you picked up
The flesh piercing shards of me
That fell off before we met.
Because nobody else would touch them.
I am the architect
And the demolition team
But before you
There was never a cleanup crew.

If happiness is a choice
Then why aren't I choosing it?
If happiness is a choice
Then why do I keep losing it?
If I can pick laughter
Over the tears and the pain
Then why do I sit here
As they fall like rain?
If I could be lightning
Then why am I darkness?
If I could make myself begin,
Something other than chagrin,
Don't you think I would have started it?

This feeling is quicksand
And I'm going under slow.
I try to fight it but I can't
Because it hurts to try and go
The more I struggle or resist
The more it hurts inside
And the more I try to leave it
The more I'm left behind.
My friends gave up trying to save me,
Now they watch me sink in pleasure
And I'm at the point where I don't care,
So I'll let my bones be dug up like lost treasure.

Early to bed early to rise
More time to sleep
Less time to cry.
But sleep isn't peace
And peace isn't sleep
Because bed is the place
Nightmares come to me.
They haunt and they taunt
They whisper to me.
Show me the things
I beg not to see
Show me that I'm
What I plead not to be.
Take me away
And poison me gently,
On thousands of pillows
I lay there and suddenly
My mistakes fly over me
And cast me into calm
And then this calamity hits me
And I want to run
But its all so stunning,
So bright and obscure
That I get confused
And go out the wrong door.
What I thought was the way
To forgetting and home
Was the door leading into
My horror struck home.
The fire was leaping
And my sins pushed me out
I fell with a scream
That wouldn't come out.

Its always "are you okay?"
And my response it always "yes."

I'm ok.
I'm so okay that it's pouring from my tear ducts
I'm so okay that its dripping from my wrists
I'm so very okay
That it hurts sometimes.
Thats what this feeling is,
I'm not empty or sad,
I'm not too full or mad,
I'm just okay.
I'm so okay.

There's just some people you meet
And they strike you down like lightning
Because they're fascinating
And all you want to do is just know them.
You look at them and sit next to them
And your desire for knowledge about them grows
Because they stun you.
Tell me your favorite color
What you eat for breakfast if you even eat it at all,
Tell me your goals and dreams
Tell me what your parents think of your friends
Do you have parents?
Tell me about the things you do that you're not supposed to.
Tell me about the time you sat in the woods last summer all by yourself
And cried because sometimes you just need to cry
Get close enough that I can see the sunlight glisten off your eyelashes
And tell me about how your mirror shows
The hidden dissapointment that you bury in your eyes.
Tell me how much you hate your smile
But secretly love the way your eyes look in the morning.
Tell me everything at once,
And overwhelm me
Because I swear to god I want to know.

I'm not accustomed to happy
Possibly even to the point where I lay there
And push myself into melancholy
Because it feels more natural to me.
I know happiness is only a temporary
And short lived guest,
So I kick it out,
Before I get used to seeing it
And hearing its gentle soothing voice
Telling me I'm okay.
Because eveytime I get attached to it,
It screams for it's space and it leaves me
Doubled over in pain,
Confusion leaking from my brain.

People don't understand
What I mean when I say
That I feel like ripping off my skin
To figure out the cause of this feeling.
Is there something inside,
Running through my bloodstream,
That makes me feel like sadness is more fitting?
Its crazy,
Knowing that this monster is there
Hiding beneath my skin,
Waiting to take me over
And drown me in sorrow
From the inside-out.

I can always feel it take over,
And so now I welcome it.
Because a fight hurts you a lot more
When you go into it knowing you'll lose.

With your whispered wrecking *****
You tried to sound soothing as you destroyed.
You sounded so reassuring and gentle
As you broke open the rain clouds
And unleashed the first storm in months.
And when you left me there alone
I parted the sand with my silver hero
And created the world's second red sea.

This heart can't hold two people
Because its suffering from frostbite
Its black as it can be
And cold to the touch.
Don't try to squeeze yourself in
There's no room for two.
In fact,
There's barely room for one.
Don't try to fix the cracks
Don't try to make it new
Because fixing me will only
Break you in the process
And that's the last thing I want to do.

In a world full of color,
I feel so blandly black and white.
My color has been drained
And I gave it up without a fight.
The greens around me try to reach out
And the pinks and oranges tell me to talk to them,
The purples shout
For me to come to join them please
Because the closest I have to color
Is a blue-ish gray tint.
I leave a trail of it everywhere because I want it all to go
To leave me with nothing,
I pray for it to fade.
I want to know what made me this way,
Because the only time I'm bright
Is when I force a color out
And I watch the red pour out of
A gray water spout.
I hold in the gasps and all the screams,
Amazed that such a bold color
Could come from something as dead as me.

I don't feel right
And its so unexplainable.
I feel like my body is shutting down
And some nights, most nights, I wish it really would.
Some days I accept it
And just go with it
But most days I have to sit on my hands
And silence the screams
That beg to emerge with my sobs,
As I get the urge to rip my skin off
And conduct a full search to find
The source of this feeling.
Because there must be something
Hidden deep within my veins
Or floating in my blood stream,
That leaves me with this feeling of being
Too empty and too full, all at once.
I lay here in silent agony
And drown in my own salt water tears
And I fight the urge
I fight it bare ****** and *****
Because if it wins, I lose.
And I've already lost enough,
Including myself
All together.

I died a few months ago
And nobody's even noticed.
They all smile at me in the halls
Tell me how nice my hair looks
Show me all the little things I used to like.
But not one person has noticed
How the happiness has been burned right out of me
Or how the light has been blown out of my eyes.
Not a single soul has noticed
That I now walk around without one,
My eyes are barely open
To anything that is not clearly seen.
My mind is closed up
And shut away
And my heart's still missing.
I died a bit ago,
The only trouble is I'm still breathing

The only emotion I feel
Is melancholy.
I dig tunnels in my memory
And carve my mistakes into the walls
I lay there for hours at a time
In these miserable underpasses
And drown them
And myself
With the mixture of
Lyzomes, oils, water, and regret
That falls from my eyes.
I sit and scream silently
About the things that I have done wrong
The places I have ruined with just my presence
And the people that have been cursed
With my well
And not-so-well
Being.
I bite my tongue
So hard
That the blood that fills my mouth
Begins to wash away my existence.