I'm not accustomed to happy
Possibly even to the point where I lay there
And push myself into melancholy
Because it feels more natural to me.
I know happiness is only a temporary
And short lived guest,
So I kick it out,
Before I get used to seeing it
And hearing its gentle soothing voice
Telling me I'm okay.
Because eveytime I get attached to it,
It screams for it's space and it leaves me
Doubled over in pain,
Confusion leaking from my brain.

People don't understand
What I mean when I say
That I feel like ripping off my skin
To figure out the cause of this feeling.
Is there something inside,
Running through my bloodstream,
That makes me feel like sadness is more fitting?
Its crazy,
Knowing that this monster is there
Hiding beneath my skin,
Waiting to take me over
And drown me in sorrow
From the inside-out.

I can always feel it take over,
And so now I welcome it.
Because a fight hurts you a lot more
When you go into it knowing you'll lose.

You are the sun
Warming my face and leaving behind
A gentle red mask that can be painful
But is anxiously waited upon throughout the cold spell when I am without you.
You are a gentle whirlpool,
Spinning me around and lulling me in,
But I am a geyser to the ones I love,
Pushing them out
Before they get the chance to try and discover
My intermost secrets.
And though we are the same element,
We could never coexist
Because I am a threat to your being,
And you need me to change the nature of my ways
But as many times as I try,
A geyser can not be persuasive,
Except to those who like danger.

And I remember you used to yell
"I love you" like it was an insult
And I would smile in confusion
And watch your eyes light up as I said it back
Thinking that it was all in my head.
But now as I lay here alone
Reminiscing and missing you,
With a tear soaked face and a worn out brain,
I realize that those words hurt me now
More than any insult ever could.

I'm drowning myself from the inside out
I can feel it
And I can hear my organs screaming for help.
My heart is all doped up
It feels nothing at all.
My stomach is sinking right down to my toes
I'm hoping it stays there, I hope that time slows.
I feel nothing but sadness, depression, despair
My skin is cut open, and I'm ripping out hair.
Tie an anchor to me and throw me in deep,
My insides can feel it,
Won't life set me free?

I don't feel right
And its so unexplainable.
I feel like my body is shutting down
And some nights, most nights, I wish it really would.
Some days I accept it
And just go with it
But most days I have to sit on my hands
And silence the screams
That beg to emerge with my sobs,
As I get the urge to rip my skin off
And conduct a full search to find
The source of this feeling.
Because there must be something
Hidden deep within my veins
Or floating in my blood stream,
That leaves me with this feeling of being
Too empty and too full, all at once.
I lay here in silent agony
And drown in my own salt water tears
And I fight the urge
I fight it bare ****** and *****
Because if it wins, I lose.
And I've already lost enough,
Including myself
All together.

With your whispered wrecking *****
You tried to sound soothing as you destroyed.
You sounded so reassuring and gentle
As you broke open the rain clouds
And unleashed the first storm in months.
And when you left me there alone
I parted the sand with my silver hero
And created the world's second red sea.

They always say not to let your happiness
Be dependent on something
Or someone
That can leave in an instant
But that's exactly what I find myself doing.
You are the cause of my smile
And the repellent of my frown.
The way your touch covers me
In a seran wrap layer of
Happiness that warms me
Both inside and out,
The way your voice ignites
A fire in my cheeks
And unlocks the cage to a million insects
That fly around my intestines
Bumping into the walls of my organs,
That is something I have become dependent on.
I don't do this,
I don't let down my walls
Usually.
But then you came in,
And knocked them down with every sledgehammer of a smile,
Every bulldozer of a kiss,
And now you're the remodeling team,
Repainting
And heating
The darkest room in the house.