since the first time i saw you, for you, i knew i belonged to you completely. i knew it was the beginning of the beginning for me. a new beginning for a something i didn’t even know was coming. and not for us, but for me. being with you, having you touch every corner of my mind and having every neuron fire in your name , in your direction, is what it’s like being touched by an angel. and i don’t think that anything, if anything, is worth dying for. but if kissing you every time made me feel like the ocean’s tide changes to match your heartbeat i think that might be. kissing you feels like i can taste a revolution, like if your tongue is te only thing that’ll touch me in this war. like if nothing could save me, i’d turn to you for my last sweet moment. even if you’re painfully bad for me, and everything drove me away from you, i’d crawl to your feet and surrender my tongue for the taking.

i’ve been thinking about holding on, letting go, resenting, freeing oneself from the nonexistent constraints of... everything. i wish someone would have told me how sweet life is. not just sweet as in cool, but sweet as in tender. sweet as in rewarding, infinitely giving. i don’t know if i’m just experiencing this for the first time but i’ve never felt more happy to be alive than now. i always tried to control life. control my surroundings, people, situations and circumstances. i was afraid of change. but why? since when was life supposed to be controlled? when did experience become scary? why are we compelled to do and feel these things? isn’t life supposed to be about growth? about challenges? about becoming the us we were MADE for? how are we supposed to develop into these people if we are scared of letting go? what is there to lose? most things are temporary. if anything, almost everything is meant to be ours temporarily, so why hold on to things that aren’t meant for us anymore?

i knew that from the moment that i texted you for the first time i would come to love you

i knew that every pen-stroke from then on would be a confession of my love with no remorse. i knew that every ink-filled page would only be about how i couldn't get myself to look away from your eyes and how every word to drip from your lips sounded like Shakespeare's sonnets

it's crazy because i never understood you or your love. i didn't understand why you would never let me in completely and why you would only come back o me after a long night out

what i wanted to understand was why it hurt you to open up. i wanted to know why i couldn't be yours when the sun was out or why you could never fall in love with me

i don't understand why you would look for me in other people, hurting yourself, why not come back home to me where you'd be unharmed and warm. i don't know why you don't want me to be yours

i'm sorry for every night i fell asleep waiting for to come home safely. i'm sorry  for not being beautiful enough for you to be proud of me. i'm sorry for ever making you wait. i'm sorry for not being what you imagined me to be.

but i'm begging you to see past that. see past my frizzy hair and dry skin. see past the uneven melanin and my slightly lazy eye. see past the treads of fat on my abdomen. look past by stutter and thick glasses. see the i want to give you love and refuge and i can give you something to hold on to.

my heart aches and I can't tell if it's because I miss you or because while you look at me, you're dying to find a piece of her, too.

I can't bare to see anyone cup your face or love you because that would mean that it's over for us. over for me.

and I can't believe you brought her into the home we've created because now she knows where the cracks are in the foundation.

I can't believe believe I was so afraid to tell you always poured salt on open wounds in fear of seeing you go when all you did was leave anyway.

I prayed for your love every night and right when I got close enough to kiss you your feet, you walked over me and into the sunset of her eyes.

I begged for forgiveness; every night night I spent washing your feet, I failed to see that the dirt n them didn't belong to the road leading back to me.

I begged for your love all the nights I spent crying in my own arms to be forgiven because I was dreaming they were yours.

I begged for mercy since I knew I wouldn't get any from you.
and now I sit in the rubble of what we could've been, instead of basking in the love of sacrifice.

They always say the best relationships happen unexpectedly.
And my god were you unexpected.
It's like you fell right from the sky
And into my life where the puzzle piece was missing.
What a perfect fit you were.

my friend Lily always says that we accept the love we think we deserve. it's a quote from her favorite book. but i don't think it's quite accurate. in fact, i don't believe it's true at all. I think we accept the love we think we can change. i don't think that a relationship should be based of skepticism oor uncertainty, lack of agreement or trust.  but those things change. they have to, don't they? can i ever love someone fully if i don't trust them? can i ever love somebody if all i'm doing is revisiting their social media page every tume i open the app? do i love them? am i obsessed with them? or am i obsessed with protecting myself?

i accept the love i think i can change because my grandmther once told me that my love can create chaotic fires in people if i really wanted to and that love can do almost anything. and i think that's why i like church, because they teavh you to love with every ounce in your body. they teach you to write loe letters with their voice, and to never hesitate the spilling of your own blood even if that means you can't save them.

my grandmother taught me that love can transform, love can change. love doen't come in decorative bags or in Kay Jewlers wrapping paper. love comes form understanding and the desire to give more than you will ever recieve.

i accept the love i think i can change because maybe, just maybe, that love will love me in return.

It was so easy with my first love. I never thought twice about my feelings for her. Loving her seemed so **** effortless, like breathing. She filled my lungs with pure oxygen and pumped blood through my heart.

But you, ******… It is so hard to figure out what I feel for you. It’s like you shove smoke down my throat, into my lungs, making it so hard to breathe. You fill my veins with poison, slowly stopping my heart with each beat. But for some ******* reason, I still believe I love you.