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geminicat Nov 2023
I wish I was good at being myself
I spend my day overanalyzing videos, trying to understand what everyone does and I don’t
I try to find new ways of being myself while looking into others

I wish I was good at being a girl
Good at keeping my hair brushed
Good at keeping myself beautiful and available

I wish I could stop
Stop dreaming of running away
I wish I could stop feeling rage in every finger, it hurts to touch the ones I love with so much scorn in my hands
I wish I could be here without wishing to be there and away from where I am
I wish I could stop
Stop the madness in my head, the run on sentences that sprint laps around the person standing infant of me

I think thats why I’m bad at being a girl
I'm not the good kind of girl
Not the kind of girl who loves, I obsess
Not the kind of girl who savors life, I just try everything at once
The kind who runs when she needs to rest
I wish I could stop and simply be a girl
a fish out of water, a fish expected to climb a tree, a girl with no place in a world for girls who are not like other girls. Feeling lonely in my life.
geminicat Apr 2023
Purple like bruises
purple like the end of the day
Purple like my cool pencil that I never got back in grade school and think about when I walk past the school supply aisle
Purple like it hurts
When the swelling goes down and you can see the it for what it is

Purple reminds me of you

No
Purple like bruises that hurt but don’t remember how they got there
Purple like that pencil I eventually forgot about
Purple like the last color in the sky before it goes dark
Here's to moving on.
geminicat Mar 2022
Words spill out of me, overflow of emotions, I feel like I’m only words
Only confusion
Only incorrect syntax and tolerable grammar
It hurts you know,
To be so full and feel so empty
a pit that is never full, and grows when you feed it

Overflow of words
Overflow of unlovable thought
Overflow of me
It hurts you know
geminicat Jan 2022
I feel so lost and trapped again. every turn is a wrong one
never enough space to breath or understand or talk
it’s upsetting that this is what it comes to sometimes
I need more, I need less, I need something
i feel so out of touch with myself, it’s makes things uncertain
but only for those who count on me to be blind
turn
turn
turn again
it’s always a wrong turn,
maybe it’s more of a circle and we are simply getting dizzy
geminicat Jul 2020
she makes me look her in the eyes before she asks me questions.
she thinks she can tell whenever I'm not being truthful. the only thing I hope she sees is hurt. I hope she can see how badly I wish she'd just be honest with me. she says she can tell whenever I lie, she says I can't lie. but why would I when this is the only life I will live at one time and if I ever lived another, I can't remember.
lie detector.
I'm not telling the truth until I'm so overwhelmed with defeat that my eyes slowly push tears from my eyes, like a string of pearls.
I didn't know lie detectors could make you question your psyche's interpretation of everything you knew about them, about yourself.
geminicat Jul 2020
doubt: as tiny as a mustard seed that grows a sequoia in your diaphragm.
its branches growing leaves in your lungs, making every breath you take rustle in your throat, further restricting your breathing day by day. doubt is killing you. doubt makes your stomach turn every morning and night when your mind is most tired, vulnerable, empty.

growing until its roots are attached to your bones and it becomes what wakes you up every day before the sun rises just to think about it. just to feel its weight on your body, sinking you further and further into the floor. before you know it, there is no more soul. there is no more you. you have been replayed with this flourishing sequoia tree of doubt, that when it sheds its leaves, and it is no longer present, you will never remain the same. the bowls of your soul will remain deep and echo. doubt has changed you. your lungs are empty, brittle, and ache. doubt has left you tired, vulnerable, empty.
my first time writing to decompress since who knows how long. so much has happened, so much is hurting. here is my take on doubt.
geminicat Feb 2019
"Shhh..." and just like that all of my anxieties are swept away at the same time she tucks my hair behind my ear.
"We'll figure this out," she says, without even saying a word. Her eyes bring me all the comfort I'll ever need.
"Trust me" say her hands as she holds mine and brushes the back of my palms with her thumbs. Soft, and full of light, I find calmness.
Her eyes tell me so much more than words could even convey and I guess that's where the magic is. That's where the stillness lies. That's where my peace is.
11.18
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