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the world turns never so dark

light is seen
only with closed eyes.
i'm fed up with isms and faiths and dogmas with apparently lofty goals in effect battering humanity.
Hemophilia runs in the family
A bleeding disorder
I was fortunate
My sister got the gene, not me
She is a carrier
and has mild Hemophilia
If she had been born a boy, it would have been far more severe
But even with her mild disorder
She spontaneously begins bleeding
Without anything even happening to her
I spontaneously begin bleeding too
Even though nothing is happening to me
But you can't see that bleeding
It's internal
Not inside my body
But inside my soul.
Or something.
I'm not really sure where it hurts, all I know is that it hurt a lot
People say, just be happy!
Don't you want to be happy?
Can't you just ignore it?

NO.
That's like asking my sister
When she spontaneously gets ****** noses
Just stop bleeding!
Don't you want to stop bleeding?
Can't you just ignore the fact that blood is pouring out of you?

NO
just because the pain is not visible
DOESN'T MEAN IT ISN'T THERE.
IT IS NOT ESCAPABLE THE SAME WAY BLEEDING ISN'T
That is why I'm trying to find a distraction from the pain
Because when my sister gets a ****** nose, she just goes and distracts herself with a movie, so she doesn't pay attention to the bleeding
My point is, though
No.
I can't just "be happy"
I'm bleeding too
And it is spontaneous and inexplicable
YOU JUST CAN'T F*CKING SEE IT
sorry, just getting sick of people thinking depression is the same thing as sadness
Like a disease of the mind is something you can CHOOSE to ignore
To feel or not to feel
To suffer or not to suffer
It is not for attention
It is not for any other reason
Than Brokenness that you can't explain
And wish it would go away
If you wouldn't tell someone with a bleeding disorder who is randomly bleeding to stop bleeding, they are being overdramatic,
Then don't say that to someone with depression about their sadness.
I don't want to talk about it
That doesn't help
I want to go do something insane that will make me forget about it
Dwelling on it makes it worse
It doesn't help to "talk about my feelings"
I don't care if you think it does
I understand that I feel Broken
I know that I am not alone and I know there are people who understand
I know that people do care about me
But logic doesn't fix pain
I don't want to talk to someone about how depressed and worthless and hollow I feel
I want to be with someone who understands and is aware of what I am feeling
But who doesn't talk about it with me unless I want to
And we can just go and do something crazy
That will make the agony flicker and fade
For just a second
I need a distraction.
It is important the people I do these distractions with UNDERSTAND and are AWARE of what I am feeling, but don't feel the need to talk to me about it.
They are just sensitive to the issue and we go and just get our minds off life.
Okay, you two. I want you to say sorry.
Now that she has said sorry, you have to say: That's okay.
There. Now it's all better.

**here is the problem with that, from a very young age, children are taught to simply SAY sorry, and not actually find remorse in themselves, they just say it whether they mean it or not, and they think there is no difference. The other problem: Even if you ARE sorry, not all things you do can be undone. Not everything IS "okay" now that you are sorry. Some things are unforgivable. It can't always be "all better".
just something from my childhood that my parents always had us say when there was a fight
 Jan 2015 Lola Celeste Dodd
gmg
Are you proud of me now? I get only A's and B's, I don't get in trouble, I'm a great kid. But I cry myself to sleep and sometimes wish I weren't alive. But that's okay as long as you're proud. You see my grades and you see my friends but you don't see the mask I wear to please everyone. You give me attitude amd I got that from you so you yell at me a lot, "Oh no don't cry, it's not the end of the world" but it could be the end of mine. Now I don't cry in front of you, I need you to be proud please don't hate me. Are you proud of me now? I look happy so yoh don't worry, I look happy so you're proud. Please don't yell, I'm trying my best please be proud of me. I want to die but I'm still alive. Are you proud of me?
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