I'd blow kisses off
the tips of my fingers
And you'd catch them
in the palms of your hands
Now you avoid puddles
on rainy afternoons
And I spend snow days
catching up on
sleep

You write math equations
in the margins where
you used to scribble music notes
And I write phone numbers
on the backs of receipts
where I used to scribble
sonnets

We sat
and listened
to what we
couldn't hear.

I didn't
think or speak.

All I could do
was admire her.

Her lips.
Her excited,
curious
blue eyes.
Her yellow,
silk hair.

She prodded,
"What?"
with a tender
smile.

And if the snow
could speak,
it would have
told me
to kiss her.

Its only 8pm
And everything is just
So ******* awful,
You know?
My body hurts
My mind hurts
I can feel myself
Slipping away
And I don't think
They can pull me back
Not this time
Because life for me
Is an eclipse;
It is meant to be beautiful
But the reality is
The sun has gone from my life
And I cannot wait
For its return
The demons are back
And the angels have given up
I have stopped
Dreaming in colour.

I think we had been waiting for each other in that coffee shop.
My hands were icy and my cheeks were red
I avoided eye contact for fear of memorizing your face too soon.

The next summer, we both contemplated different ways to hurt ourselves.
Mine was staying with a boy who was always ****** when he called
and yours was driving your pretty blue pickup truck off a bridge.

You slowly turned me into a God that you’d worship every night
a shining beacon of light that you had claimed never to have seen before.
You got down on your knees and frantically begged for forgiveness
each time you weren’t gentle and said the wrong thing.
You did that a lot.

I’d feel your lips graze my ear, sending shivers down my spine.
All I wanted was for you to climb it
but you tried to break it in half every night.
Hand over my mouth and fingernails pressed too hard into my back
I tried to remember what my skin looked like unmarked.

Do you remember cupping my face in your hands and saying you’ll love me forever?
You always said that I’d be the one who left you.
I guess you were right.

I thought you’d appreciate the honesty
when I told you that I can’t see the future.
I didn’t know if I would taste your words
as a sugary and syrupy substance next year
or whether there will be a time when I question the words
‘I love you’ coming from my mouth.

Every time,
The world is spinning,
Far too fast for my eyes to follow it,
And things just seem,

     Out of control.

Spilled milk,
Spilled tears,
Spilled tomorrows,

Careful son,
     You've got hate on your hands,

See what happens,
Trying to calm,
Roiling seas,
With a thin, straight line,
Crooked bones,

I inhale,
I exhale,

I whisper

Find the beauty,
Follow it,

Follow it.

As I gaze into the mirror, mother, I do not see,
I am blind, mother, so very blind,
Blinded by hate, bitter and hot in the back of my throat,
Hate towards the one that looks into the mirror,
The mirror in front of me,
Please mother, help me see.