Stop falling backwards, I try but I can’t.
Thinking of the dreams we had,
All of it was a shadow, a lie.
Too sweet for my bitterness
Heavy enough to drown me.

Rare love was anything but.
Feeling, fleeting forever for you.
Tremble, my hands. They still reach for you.
Rush to push you out of my head, replace you.
Dare myself to try again.

Don’t do it, I say. Knowing I always will.
Over and over, I come back to you.
Think of me, if you can remember sometimes.
Cry, please, I know I beg in vain.
Again, I beg for a sign that you feel anything.

Down
Up
My eyes bounce from the water below me
To the dark and dancing river
That runs under the stone fortress I wander

Im sure I have felt this before
Mostly sure
But I can’t forage a memory
From the wilderness
That has rooted in me

I consume myself
Starting with my feet
I twist further to the start
Back to the beginning
But I haven’t yet tasted the memory of this feeling

Stepping into the treeline again
Touching the vastness that I have nurtured
I mingle with the my past selves
And paint pictures of the myriad of selves-yet-to-be

When I first felt used,
My light and warmth abused,
By grips mostly loose,
I was three years younger than you.

But getting better ain’t forgetting
And I’ve got no right to complain,
I volunteered this body, this heart
To be set ablaze.

Carved by my grandmothers,
Hollywood lit my fire.
The kiss of an Irish boy by the bay
Sent me on my way.

Now I need to be needed
Until they need me too much.
Then they turn me black and blue
And call it love.

I didn’t know love needed
So much blood.

Now I’m growing up.
At 26, I still don’t know love
That you don’t need to beg for,
You don’t need to bleed for,
And you’ll never be too much.

I still don’t know what it feels like
Not to flinch at the first touch.
I know it might never come,
But with you it was close enough.

I didn’t know love needed,
So much blood.

I'm used to overlapping love,
One on top of another
So that any space between us
Is filled by my overreaching desire.

But you've carved a canyon,
Filled in by an ocean
And put yourself on the far ridge
So that only my cries can reach you.

The parting ground sculpts a chasm in me
And I watch as stones fall away
From my feet breaching the edge.
But I retreat from the brink
And put myself to studying.

I search my resolve
For new ways to love you
And find that my voice carries.
With lighter words that will not sink
I can sail my love to you.

But my love has landed
On barren shores.
In vain I constructed a fleet
And voyaged through storms
Of my own desperation.

All to find that you have gone.
So I will turn my sails home
And make something better
Of this new way of loving.

This softer, more hopeful love
Will find someone new.
It will find someone who loves me
Like I need to be loved,
Someone who is nothing like you.

And they will reap what you sowed.
They will bask in the light
Of the flame you ignited.
They will savor the sweetness
Of the fruit you left to rot.

While the pain still resounds
And the longing persists,
I cannot detest you
In the way that I wish.

For you, I became a scholar of love
And a student of myself.
And though you have no interest
In my newfound literacy,
I thank you for forcing me to read.

I crashed my car
Thinking about you.

Standing in the debris,
I thought about stepping into the street.

Because I can’t call you
And ask for a ride.  
You won’t come get me
And save me from the headlights.

Last night I counted pills
Hoping there would be enough.
But tonight, I braked when I saw lights
Racing faster than a second blink.

In the glowing red
I saw your smile,
Your warm brown eyes.

As my head smacked the seat,
I felt your hands in my hair,
Putting me to sleep.

I heard your laugh
In the crunching metal
And tasted your lips in the exhaust I inhaled.

So this is how you love me,
As careless and distracted as I drive.
You were always
An accident waiting to happen.

Cigarettes to make me forget I’m hungry.
I just want to buy myself dinner,
But I don’t have the money.

For twenty dollars a week
My stomach stays full
Of nicotine and Red Bull.

Now I’m running out of time
To buy presents for the family
And im worried that I might have to ask
A too-sweet man to spot me.

If I was smarter
If these meds would work
I wouldn’t have to grovel
Or take a third job.

But I spent six months
Running away from home
Sitting at bars
Getting drunk to forget the pain.

Do I sell my guitar
Do I take more pictures
Do I deliver food again?

How do I dig myself out of a hole
I’ve been so comfortable in?
Maybe I’ll lose some weight
Maybe I’ll keep going on dates
Just to stay fed.

Today is the first bitterly cold day of winter.
With a high of thirty,
I bundle myself up for my morning drive.
Puffer jacket, hat, scarf, gloves.

In the car, I wonder if its this cold in London.
I wonder if you're wearing the plaid, wool jacket
Or the black puffer.
Neither are long enough,
So I worry if your legs are cold.

Does this weather make you miss home?
Does it remind you of all those sad country songs
That you love to listen to around a fire?
The kind that sound better
When they unfold in clouds of frozen breath?

Are you still smoking cigarettes?
Is it becoming a hassle to take breaks in the cold?
It is for me.
But since you left,
I've needed them as much as I need you.
I wonder if we ever shiver in the cold at the same time.

So I wrap myself up to brave the cold,
And warm my lungs on the vice
I tried to rid you of.
Not only did I fail,
But i've picked up the distilled poison for myself.

Funny how you do that.
Taking my hopes
And turning them into a regressive addiction.
I can't be the first
You've had this affect on.

So tell me, is it cold in London?