When I first felt used,
My light and warmth abused,
By grips mostly loose,
I was three years younger than you.

But getting better ain’t forgetting
And I’ve got no right to complain,
I volunteered this body, this heart
To be set ablaze.

Carved by my grandmothers,
Hollywood lit my fire.
The kiss of an Irish boy by the bay
Sent me on my way.

Now I need to be needed
Until they need me too much.
Then they turn me black and blue
And call it love.

I didn’t know love needed
So much blood.

Now I’m growing up.
At 26, I still don’t know love
That you don’t need to beg for,
You don’t need to bleed for,
And you’ll never be too much.

I still don’t know what it feels like
Not to flinch at the first touch.
I know it might never come,
But with you it was close enough.

I didn’t know love needed,
So much blood.

I'm used to overlapping love,
One on top of another
So that any space between us
Is filled by my overreaching desire.

But you've carved a canyon,
Filled in by an ocean
And put yourself on the far ridge
So that only my cries can reach you.

The parting ground sculpts a chasm in me
And I watch as stones fall away
From my feet breaching the edge.
But I retreat from the brink
And put myself to studying.

I search my resolve
For new ways to love you
And find that my voice carries.
With lighter words that will not sink
I can sail my love to you.

But my love has landed
On barren shores.
In vain I constructed a fleet
And voyaged through storms
Of my own desperation.

All to find that you have gone.
So I will turn my sails home
And make something better
Of this new way of loving.

This softer, more hopeful love
Will find someone new.
It will find someone who loves me
Like I need to be loved,
Someone who is nothing like you.

And they will reap what you sowed.
They will bask in the light
Of the flame you ignited.
They will savor the sweetness
Of the fruit you left to rot.

While the pain still resounds
And the longing persists,
I cannot detest you
In the way that I wish.

For you, I became a scholar of love
And a student of myself.
And though you have no interest
In my newfound literacy,
I thank you for forcing me to read.

I crashed my car
Thinking about you.

Standing in the debris,
I thought about stepping into the street.

Because I can’t call you
And ask for a ride.  
You won’t come get me
And save me from the headlights.

Last night I counted pills
Hoping there would be enough.
But tonight, I braked when I saw lights
Racing faster than a second blink.

In the glowing red
I saw your smile,
Your warm brown eyes.

As my head smacked the seat,
I felt your hands in my hair,
Putting me to sleep.

I heard your laugh
In the crunching metal
And tasted your lips in the exhaust I inhaled.

So this is how you love me,
As careless and distracted as I drive.
You were always
An accident waiting to happen.

Cigarettes to make me forget I’m hungry.
I just want to buy myself dinner,
But I don’t have the money.

For twenty dollars a week
My stomach stays full
Of nicotine and Red Bull.

Now I’m running out of time
To buy presents for the family
And im worried that I might have to ask
A too-sweet man to spot me.

If I was smarter
If these meds would work
I wouldn’t have to grovel
Or take a third job.

But I spent six months
Running away from home
Sitting at bars
Getting drunk to forget the pain.

Do I sell my guitar
Do I take more pictures
Do I deliver food again?

How do I dig myself out of a hole
I’ve been so comfortable in?
Maybe I’ll lose some weight
Maybe I’ll keep going on dates
Just to stay fed.

Today is the first bitterly cold day of winter.
With a high of thirty,
I bundle myself up for my morning drive.
Puffer jacket, hat, scarf, gloves.

In the car, I wonder if its this cold in London.
I wonder if you're wearing the plaid, wool jacket
Or the black puffer.
Neither are long enough,
So I worry if your legs are cold.

Does this weather make you miss home?
Does it remind you of all those sad country songs
That you love to listen to around a fire?
The kind that sound better
When they unfold in clouds of frozen breath?

Are you still smoking cigarettes?
Is it becoming a hassle to take breaks in the cold?
It is for me.
But since you left,
I've needed them as much as I need you.
I wonder if we ever shiver in the cold at the same time.

So I wrap myself up to brave the bitterness,
And warm my lungs on the vice
I tried to rid you of.
Not only did I fail,
But i've picked up the distilled poison for myself.

Funny how you do that.
Taking my hopes
And turning them into a regressive addiction.
I can't be the first
You've had this affect on.

So tell me, is it cold in London?

Sometimes I worry
I might do something crazy.

Sometimes I worry
That this loss has driven me mad.

Sometimes I think,
I should go for a walk.

I think, sometimes,
I should never eat again.

Sometimes I consider,
Crawling into your bed
And staining your sheets red.

Sometimes I wonder,
What would happen
If I turned up drunk on your doorstep?

It could be fun,
If I called your brother
Or your friends,
And told them everything you did
All your words that still ring in my head.

Maybe they could tell me
What really went wrong.

Some days it feels
Like the pain will leak from my ears
And tear a hole in my chest.

Every now and then,
The memories feel like dreams,
I fall into them
And out of reality.

Some nights feel so dark,
That I fear the sun has died,
Or that maybe you have taken it
Just to torture me again.

At work, sometimes,
I think I will get up and leave
And never come back.

I worry that if I see you,
I might snap.

Sometimes I think,
I should just go to sleep
Before I go rooting through cabinets
And wandering through streets.

I’m finding it hard to speak
With any sort of power
Or conviction.
I worry and fret over every word
Every gesture and expression,
Wondering if i’m all wrong.

I’ve found that
I’m the most me
When I’m with you.
I’m sure and brave,
With you as my strength.
But now, my hands wring
And eyes dart.

The courage I once had
To lean into the absurdity that defines me,
The absurdity
That you assured me you loved,
Has drained from my body.

Without your love
To hold me steady,
I have turned back
Into the fearful child
That sewed her mouth shut
And cried behind locked doors.

I put on a brave face,
Tell them I’m more angry than sad,
More appalled than hurt.
I try to move on,
Like you,
Trying to find a backbone
In someone new.

But they do not speak to me like you
They do not look at me like you
They do not challenge me like you.
They do not make me someone better,
Like you.

Every day without you,
My body curls tighter.
My knees get closer to my chest,
My neck bends further forward,
My arms wrap my legs harder and harder.

Retreating back into myself
Back into the cell
Your love drew me out of.
Locking myself in,
Where I can wither in peace
Seems like the best way to proceed.