Cigarettes to make me forget I’m hungry.
I just want to buy myself dinner,
But I don’t have the money.

For twenty dollars a week
My stomach stays full
Of nicotine and Red Bull.

Now I’m running out of time
To buy presents for the family
And im worried that I might have to ask
A too-sweet man to spot me.

If I was smarter
If these meds would work
I wouldn’t have to grovel
Or take a third job.

But I spent six months
Running away from home
Sitting at bars
Getting drunk to forget the pain.

Do I sell my guitar
Do I take more pictures
Do I deliver food again?

How do I dig myself out of a hole
I’ve been so comfortable in?
Maybe I’ll lose some weight
Maybe I’ll keep going on dates
Just to stay fed.

Today is the first bitterly cold day of winter.
With a high of thirty,
I bundle myself up for my morning drive.
Puffer jacket, hat, scarf, gloves.

In the car, I wonder if its this cold in London.
I wonder if you're wearing the plaid, wool jacket
Or the black puffer.
Neither are long enough,
So I worry if your legs are cold.

Does this weather make you miss home?
Does it remind you of all those sad country songs
That you love to listen to around a fire?
The kind that sound better
When they unfold in clouds of frozen breath?

Are you still smoking cigarettes?
Is it becoming a hassle to take breaks in the cold?
It is for me.
But since you left,
I've needed them as much as I need you.
I wonder if we ever shiver in the cold at the same time.

So I wrap myself up to brave the cold,
And warm my lungs on the vice
I tried to rid you of.
Not only did I fail,
But i've picked up the distilled poison for myself.

Funny how you do that.
Taking my hopes
And turning them into a regressive addiction.
I can't be the first
You've had this affect on.

So tell me, is it cold in London?

Sometimes I worry
I might do something crazy.

Sometimes I worry
That this loss has driven me mad.

Sometimes I think,
I should go for a walk.

I think, sometimes,
I should never eat again.

Sometimes I consider,
Crawling into your bed
And staining your sheets red.

Sometimes I wonder,
What would happen
If I turned up drunk on your doorstep?

It could be fun,
If I called your brother
Or your friends,
And told them everything you did
All your words that still ring in my head.

Maybe they could tell me
What really went wrong.

Some days it feels
Like the pain will leak from my ears
And tear a hole in my chest.

Every now and then,
The memories feel like dreams,
I fall into them
And out of reality.

Some nights feel so dark,
That I fear the sun has died,
Or that maybe you have taken it
Just to torture me again.

At work, sometimes,
I think I will get up and leave
And never come back.

I worry that if I see you,
I might snap.

Sometimes I think,
I should just go to sleep
Before I go rooting through cabinets
And wandering through streets.

I’m finding it hard to speak
With any sort of power
Or conviction.
I worry and fret over every word
Every gesture and expression,
Wondering if i’m all wrong.

I’ve found that
I’m the most me
When I’m with you.
I’m sure and brave,
With you as my strength.
But now, my hands wring
And eyes dart.

The courage I once had
To lean into the absurdity that defines me,
The absurdity
That you assured me you loved,
Has drained from my body.

Without your love
To hold me steady,
I have turned back
Into the fearful child
That sewed her mouth shut
And cried behind locked doors.

I put on a brave face,
Tell them I’m more angry than sad,
More appalled than hurt.
I try to move on,
Like you,
Trying to find a backbone
In someone new.

But they do not speak to me like you
They do not look at me like you
They do not challenge me like you.
They do not make me someone better,
Like you.

Every day without you,
My body curls tighter.
My knees get closer to my chest,
My neck bends further forward,
My arms wrap my legs harder and harder.

Retreating back into myself
Back into the cell
Your love drew me out of.
Locking myself in,
Where I can wither in peace
Seems like the best way to proceed.

In January I begin to fade.
My astringent blood,
The shock of dying love,
It sends me into clouds of smoke
Where I can escape my broken home.
I meet you in January.

February encircles me
Like tall dark curtains.
It pushes me under the light
Where painful decisions break my neck
And I fall into your arms.
I know that I will love you in February.

March comes,
And I spend my birthday alone
Deciding between crashing my car
Or bleeding myself out.
I buy myself gifts but they can’t replace you.
It was your first broken promise.

I decide to change in April.
I decide to get better
Because I want you to love me,
And who could love me as I am?
In April we collect treasure from the river
And I cut 7 inches of my old self from my hair.

May is for planning.
We talk about the future
But you’re still shaken from the past
And anchoring yourself to the present.
My mistakes and still-loving memories
Push you to the edge,
I choose you in May.

In June, you are everything.
In June, you are my soulmate.
In June, we climb mountains.
In June, I know that I will love you forever.

We give it a name in July,
Our love.
We spend rainy nights under the trees
We sail to see seals on a foggy island,
And kiss lobsters.
Then a shadow lurks over you in July.

In August, I fight your friends
And say things I don’t mean.
You tell me you’re leaving,
And I think “here it comes.”
The fear of losing you makes me sick,
And I beg for you to care.
August changes you.

We almost die in September.
You lie and hide
I cry and beg.
I hate this part of you
And I fear that it is permanent.
In September, you pinky promise,
You’ll be back real soon
And I’ll be your wife.
You say your love for me will never get lazy,
Again.

In October,
I think maybe everything will be fine,
If I can just keep my head down
And don’t flinch at the swinging steel.
I tattoo the thought of you.
In October, it got too much.
Your apathy drags me to the gallows,
Where I have to be the one to kick the chair.

In November, I keep waiting for you
Still hoping that you’ll say all the right things and love me like June.
November,
I wonder how you could do this.
I wonder if it ever meant anything to you.
I wonder if you love her.
If she cries less
If your friends would like her
If she ***** you better
If you’re learning French.
And somehow I still want you in November.

You held me all night before you left
While I cried and cried
And my lungs backfired.

Because I could see the future
And I saw this coming.
But you promised and promised,
That you’d make it all right.

Now look at what you’ve done.
I’m starting to think
That maybe
This is what you wanted all along.

At home, I lie and weep.
While you take her to the gardens,
To the pub,
To the museum.

I wonder now where to put this love.
I still so eagerly wish to give it to you
And so eagerly want to forgive you
For all the things you’re not sorry for.

It continues to flow from me,
Floating away,
In search of your lips.
But you run and hide
And put yourself behind glass
So that my love cannot touch you.

Do you fear that it is too warm
For your frigid body?
Or that it will thaw you
From the frost
That has kept all you feel
Stuck inside that glass?

Ice as your armor,
You turn away
From my burning adoration
And wander into a tundra
Where your eyes stay fixed
On the ever-running horizon.

Keep it moving,
You say.
Do not dwell,
Do not think,
Do not feel.

But I suppose it is easy for you
To stay cold,
To stay away from the fire,
Away from my bright love.

But I will stay alight
Waiting for you to realize
That all I ever wanted
Was to love you to your core.

I believed that’s what you wanted
Because you said you had changed,
But what you wanted
Was more of the same.

More cold nights
Frozen to strangers
That cannot love you
Like I am dying to.

I thought it was over.
I thought that,
Because I found you,
The torture would end.

I thought that because
You loved me
The sleepless nights
The fear of desolation
The lonely tears
Would be over.

I thought that
Because we were together
I would never have to
Beg for love again.

I thought that because you saw me
For the mess that I am
And made me believe
That you loved me anyway,
I had come home.

But you changed your mask
And ran an ocean away from me.
Leaving me drowning
And desperate for your attention.

I threw you every rope,
Gave you every chance
To show me that you still cared.
But your hollow words
Cracked beneath the weight
Of your apathy.

Your nearsightedness
Turned you blind to me.
While I swam to you every day,
Hoping that you could see me
From the beaches of Cornwall.

But you turned your back to the waves
Leaving me to start all over.
Over and over,
Every morning.

Silly me, I thought you meant what you said.
I thought forever meant forever.
I thought when you said you wanted me,
You meant you wanted me.

So you say it’s too heavy,
But you keep adding stones to the scale.
You keep saying we’re drowning,
But you won’t let me up for air.

We’re headed for a cliff,
But my love it’s your foot on the gas.
I know the light looks pretty
Passing quickly by the windows
But I fear we won’t survive this fall.

So I thought
Because you met me in the dark
And made me believe
That you’d always shine a light on me
That it had all been worth it.

That every storm I had endured
Was worth the strength it took
To crawl out of the wind
And drag myself to shelter.

But your winds are whistling
And it’s rained most days since you left.
You’re just another blustering squall
Disguised as the love of my life.