I separate myself
And go where no one can hear me,
Where I am permeated by silence.

Where the crisp water gallops over boulders,
Waving white flags as it bellows heartily,
I feel that I’ve had my fill of affection.

Sweet embraces and an excess of tender words
Are intrusions on my reticence
And my only desire is sanguine seclusion.

Taking care, I ponder how to slip away
From well-intentioned hands
That reach for my hips
And into my immaculate solitude.

Maybe I will step into the water
And evaporate into droplets
To be carried away through valleys,
Mile-wide rivers, and back
To the collective, boundless sea.

No one will miss me
And I will be as I was always meant,
A thoughtless drop in something larger,
And far more consequential than myself.

26 is 17
But only more alone.
This time your mom isn’t downstairs cooking,
Your dad isn’t just pulling into the driveway,
And your brother isn’t home for the summer.

26 is thinking that all the pain was worth it
Because it pushed you into his arms
Where you know you’re meant to stay forever.

26 is wishing that you learned your lesson
When you were 17,
When your mothers arms were only a staircase away
And she could have held you
While you found out who you were
And who you wanted to be.

26 is splitting up the record collection,
Asking him if he wants you to bring home boxes from work,
Wondering how you’re going to be able to look at the empty space where his guitars used to be
And continue to breathe.

26 is back to square one.
It’s 17 without the excuse of adolescence.
It’s 17 without a best friend to cry with.
It’s 17 in a lonely apartment that’s only getting lonelier.

The realization stings.
The recalling of my place in this world
Knocks me to the ground
And spits in my face.
It’s icy breath freezes me where I lay.

I remain still as they close in around me,
My friends.
My friends with strong arms,
Deep whispering voices,
Groping hands,
And free drinks.

They make me laugh,
They coax stories out of my mouth
To make room for themselves.
They bait my trust with jokes and gifts.
And once they capture my confidence,
They reach for my body.

But I swear my lips are bitter,
My hair is a thicket of thorns,
And my skin is made of broken glass.
Of course this is a lie.
A lie I wish I could squeeze reality out of.

And so I squeeze anyway
But the truth that flows with ease
Cuts me with joyous violence.
It fills me with poison
And drags my delirious body into its bed
Where it smacks me until my eyes light up with stars.
It strangles me until consciousness begins to slip away.

But ******* a dead girl isn’t as fun
As it sounds.
So he lets me breathe just enough
To let an apology form out of my bruised throat.

And when the truth is done
He’ll leave me out to bleed.
Out in the open for his friends to take a turn.

And they’ll do it again and again and again.
In the back of the art room in a middle school,
In the general admission section of a metal show,
In their twin bed,
In mine,
In the back of a car parked in a field,
At work,
In the bathroom at my friend’s house.

They’ll do it again and again and again

The external spills in.
A visage of the outside materializes on my reflective psyche.
And through the mirror,
The external reaches into me and forces me to tremble
And wail in unison with it.

Could I bend and manipulate the projected image?
Could I make it beautiful and weak
So that it cannot take hold of me and exploit this marionette body?
Or should I simply sever my strings?
So the impression cannot control me,
But only beg for my compliance.

And what if my will aligns with that of the terrible specter's?
I fear I may be too willing
To do the harm it bids me.

I don’t expect to be understood
But I don’t feel like I ever woke up this morning.
I’m stuck in a nightmare
With your hands on my wrists.

And I’m reminded that if bruises could scar
My body would be a technicolor collage of red and blue and purple and yellow.

It makes me sick
How I have to get close to keep my distance.
I have to follow you to make sure our paths don’t intersect.
I need to know what you’re doing and where
Just to keep you there and not here.

My heart betrayed my mind
When it paralyzed me.
When I climbed into your bed
And you did that thing you always did.
When you fell asleep like you’d never really been awake,
You turned your back to me
And in your dreaming
Cut all the strings I’ve been trying to tie to you.

My heart betrayed my mind
When it paralyzed me.
When rather than getting up
And taking my knots with me,
It kept me there in your bed.
It kept me still as silent tears
Soaked your pillow and sheets.

My heart betrayed me every night,
Every time I let you touch me
With lust and with violence.
Every time I let you call me what you called me
And strangle me with your pieced together
Patchwork words.

Even when I left you,
My heart betrayed me when it made me say
I’m Sorry.

Unblinking,
Circle thinking,
I’m starting to see flickers
From the corners of my eye.

I’ve been awake too long,
For the second night now,
Pondering why the bathroom floor
Calls to me-it says take a seat.

Staring at the ceiling, at the door,
How many nights will I waste
In this most authentic state?

Maybe I’m disturbed.
Maybe I’m liar.
I tell stories to the mirror.

Knock knock
My skull against the wall.
I wonder when you’ll wake up and save me.

This is my dungeon, my tower with no stairs.
Harsh light, no comfortable surface,
that **** mirror, all my baneful tools.

My self-prescribed echo chamber,
My punishment for shallow thought.
My love, I want nothing more than to hold you
In imperfect rest.
But the linoleum holds me captive.