I know it's wrong
To carry on like this.
But now that I have seen you again,
In ways that were too intricate
For me to unwind as a child,
And the love that i've come to know mundanely well
Is few and far,
I can't seem to keep you at arms length.
Because my arms are selfish
And my self-denial is anything but denial.

Maybe it's just a symptom of this pandemic.
My isolation has always
Brought me back to you.
And it could be wrong.
I could be leading you to the pyre,
Following blindly with a torch in hand.

Are you willing to be a martyr
For my narcissism?
A sacrifice to my selfish indulgence
Of another's attention?
But I know your blindness,
Your readiness to burn with a smile
As long as I lit the fire.

You're worth more than my oscillating indecisiveness.
You're a steady pillar
Holding up my contingency plans.
When will you crumble
And let me face the world
With true uncertainty?

As long as I have you,
I will always have something to be certain of.

That blue ridge has vanished.
Not even a sketch of it can be discerned
Out of the white mask it wears.

Behind that mask
Beyond the ridge
I turned into a woman.
I replaced my identity
And decided that I was not a vessel of pain
Or a naive child.

I decided to be intelligence
Kindness
Bravery
And ambition.

Splash.
The lure breaks the water.
He jigs and reels.
Nothing.

What I wouldn't give
To have seen that bridge burn
To feel the radiating heat
Just barely scorching my skin
To know how far away the glow could be seen.

I wonder if my own burning radiates.
I wonder if my still glowing embers
Can be heard crackling.
Or if, like the bridge,
All the incendiary evidence of my youth
Crumbled into the water
And washed into the not so distant sea.

The mask is clearing
And subtle blue emerges.
Will I wait to see it bare its face?
I don't think so.

The flat river stretches out in front of me
And splits cleanly into a deep blue grey ridge,
The top of which is frayed and spiked with tree tops.
Across the reflective, jittery water
Houses dot the banks.
They are white, red,
All bearing a facade reminiscent of the founding of this town.
Massive swaths of earth
Are carved out of the hillside behind them,
It must be a quarry
But I can't be sure.

I drench my senses in this waterscape,
Remembering its past I never lived
And fearing its future that I will most likely
Have the displeasure of witnessing.

Silence breaks as the fisherman,
Whose bow eclipses the concrete embankment to my right,
Takes a call from his vessel.
He is instructing someone on how to assemble some structure
With screws and washers.

I return to my observations.
Blue and white clouds have dropped over
That distant, fractal topped ridge.
It's warm for March but cold for April.
I look up from my writing and suddenly
The blue ridge,
The blue clouds,
And the blue water all appear a shade darker
Than they were the last time I raised my eyes and listened.

He's hung up.
It's time to go.

On my way back,
I remember that it's easier to describe
What's tangible
Than that which is nebulous
And further clouded by an unattended to mind.
I begin to cry and forgive myself.

My obsession began when I was a child.
Maybe it arose from a curiosity about the past,
My resolution that I would never be satisfied with a normal life.

Because what do we remember?
Not the mundane,
Not the simple,
And not the typical.

History has showed me what we all find to be valuable,
And its not a desk job
A suburban townhouse
Or some dissociative pursuit of a vague happiness.

It values
Struggle,
Beauty,
Revolution,
Creation,
Exploration.

I will refuse to become forgettable.
But I feel like I'm running out of time to become anything else.
What a waste of a mind and body to do nothing of significance.
But it's true, my mind and body are weak.

But I'm trying to drag myself onto this stage
In hopes of giving a performance to remember.

i haven't posted anything in almost three years

i'm sorry.

i'm trying really hard.

but maybe im lying when i say that.

maybe im just pretending that what made me write before is still somewhere inside me.

it could be that the snake ive been trying to charm is dead.

no sweet melody can make it rise from its resting place inside me.

maybe i should put my flute down.

The pressure behind my eyes swells
Like the tide under a full moon.
Waves crack against my rocky shores
And shatter over me.
Shards wash away
But most stay lodged in my bleeding heart.

And I love you anyway.
I love you despite your inconsistency
and insensitivity.
I love you even though
I can't stand too close
Without feeling worthless.
I love you even though
You're radioactive.

I love you despite the fact that you never
Held me the way I needed you to.
You were never there
The way I was there for you.
When I needed you the most,
You looked into my crying eyes
And walked away.
But I love you anyway.

I needed you a lot
And maybe I was too clingy.
But maybe i wouldn't have held
Onto you so tightly
If I could be sure you would be there
When I reached for you.

You always knew
That I would drop anything
And everything to be there for you.
But you never gave me that security.
Still, I love you

I love you even though
I can't be sure of
Who you are anymore.
You used to show me how you felt
You used to let me know.
But you've become so robotic
I'm not sure you feel a thing anymore.
And I love you.

You used to smile
You used to laugh
Now your eyes are empty
Except for racing calculations.
Always thinking
Never feeling.

You're barely human anymore,
Just a machine
That won't stop spewing
And fixing things that aren't broken.
Yet, I love you.

And you wonder why
Your friends are gone
You wonder why you feel so alone.
You won't reach anyone
Where they need to be felt.

And I love more than anything.
I love you like I might die tomorrow.
I love you even though you don't love me anymore.
I love you even though you broke promises you never made.
I love you even though you don't deserve my love anymore.

You want closer?
You want deeper?
You want me to stop hiding?

I stopped hiding long ago
I cut myself open
So you could see
All the deepest parts of me

I poured myself out
So you could taste me
And know what flavors
Assemble me

But you withdraw
Distance yourself
Reinforce your walls
And ask me to
Know you.

I'm digging
And fighting
To reveal you
But I cannot force you
To unlock your doors

I cannot dig tunnels
Under your walls
I cannot chase you in circles
If you do not want to be caught

I did my part
I bled myself dry
Now it's your turn

Don't put me behind glass
And tell me it's my fault
That we lack a deeper connection

If you want something rooted
In truth
In love
You have to tell me who you are