deep inside me
there are words
that have been buried
under mountains of anxiety.

they make me sick
as i try to fight them,
hold them down,
keep them silent.

they're begging me
to uncover them,
to throw away fear
so they can breathe.

but i can't
i can't
i can't let them see the sun
its much too harsh for
how fragile they are

Its back,
And I wish I could say
For one night only,
But the forecast shows
A messy week ahead of me.

Every day
The sun will burn bright
And a cool wind will
Bite my cheeks.

Every night
The sun will set
Like God dropped a bowling ball
And storm clouds
Will come rolling in.

The thunder will be deafening
With no lightning
To illuminate the blackness.
The rain will come in
Big, heavy drops
All at once.

No gradual crescendo.
No calming patter on rooftops.
Only a roar at my window
That will ****** me
To open it.

In the rumble
I can hear a whisper
Begging me to open
The floodgates and let the rain
Come rushing into my room.

Let it rise
Up the walls
Until I'm kissing the ceiling
Then sink to my bed,
Feeling content with my efforts.

I wrap the covers
Around me and lay my head down,
Passive to the water
Filling my lungs.
Comfortable in my
Burial at sea.

Don't worry though,
My room is still dry
And the window is closed.
But the latches are loose
And I'm not quick to repair.

Where did I go?
How is it that I don't know
Where all the conscious parts of me
Have decided to take leave?

My mind has floated
To the corners of space
And left my hollow body
Wandering in its place.

It's looking for
What used to dwell inside.
But it seems this thing,
My mind,
Has decided to hide.

It sounds crazy
But at least some part of me
Has always been floating freely.

Now all of me is gone
And I'm realizing I cannot be,
I cannot live
In two places at once.

I'm trying to pluck myself
Out of the vastness
I've been losing myself in
And return that self
To my body.

But is there any way to do this
Without causing harm?
Without wounding myself
And those I love?
Is there any way
To tie myself down
That does not require pain?

If there is,
I'd like to know how.

I keep trying to bring myself back
From wherever my mind is
And put myself back in my body,
Back in this world.
But it doesn't seem to be working.

I wander outside
And name everything
I can see or hear.
In an attempt to make some connection
To the physical world around me.
But I can't.

I run my fingers through grass,
Study leaves closely,
Stick my hands in frigid water,
But still nothing is able
To bring my mind out of the hole
It's fallen into.

Talking to someone,
Being around people,
Maybe that would force me out
Of my mind and into real life.
It's a shame I'm so alone though.

The only other thing
I can think of
That could maybe help me
Reconnect with reality
Would bring more disturbance
To my already distressed state.

But it's so tempting

How would one go about
Saying that they
Hate themselves
Without sounding too pathetic
Or melodramatic?
Asking for a friend.

Why can't I write anymore?
I finally have something to say.
For the first time in months
I have something inside me
Begging to get out.
I have a weight
That compels me to speak
That needs to be communicated.

But my writing is all ****.
It's all the same now.
I can't think of
Anything new to say
Even though I feel the need
To put a pen to paper
And let the thing
That's been giving me headaches
Every night
Have its turn to speak.

What is it you want to say?
Demon?
Monster? Ghost?
Whatever you are,
You're taking up too much space.
So say what you need to
And leave me again.

Are you trying to tell me
That you're lonely?
That you're tired?
That you're bored?

What the ****
Do you want me to do?
I'm just as powerless as you.

I could memorize your freckles.
Where each is exactly
And how many you have.

I could kiss your lips
A thousand times
And feel my cheeks burn
With each.

I could run my hands
Through your soft hair,
Feeling each curl
Like silk between my fingers.

I could stay in your arms
For as long as you'll let me,
Absorbing the security
I've been trying to find everywhere.

I could forge
These tactile memories,
These sensations I could experience
All over again
If I just close my eyes.

If I just close my eyes
And breathe deeply
It's almost as if
I can feel you again.

I feel your ghost on my lips,
Your shadow embraces me,
Your echoe holds my hand
And I pray to be close to you again.

I count the seconds
Until my tactile memories
Become concrete
And I can feel you,
Not your ghost
Or shadow
Or echoe,
Making me wish
For more time.