1.  wake up. wish you hadn’t.

2. drink some water. not because you care, but because it’s easier than saying you didn’t.

3. check your phone. nothing urgent. no one noticed.

4. get dressed in whatever hides you best.

5. skip breakfast. you weren’t hungry.

6. think of him. not like a cure, just like a reason.

7. reread old messages. pretend they were written today.

8. send him a heart. mean it. just don’t say the rest.

9. stay busy. fold the laundry. clean the bathroom. go through the motions.

10. cry quietly. turn the music up just a little louder.

11. wish someone would ask the right question.

12. stay alive. because he still wants you to.

this is how i do it—
skip a meal.
call it busy.

this is how i do it—
press the blade.
call it shaving.

this is how i do it—
smile too wide.
call it okay.

this is how i do it—
break a little.
call it growing.

i’m sorry i’m sad again, baby.
i know it can get heavy,
loving someone who can’t
hold themself together.

i wish i could be softer for you,
happier for you,
all sunshine and laughter.
but some days,
i’m just a storm
trying not to touch you.

i’m tired of apologizing
for the way my heart works,
but i still do,
because i never want you to think
this sadness means i love you any less.
i’m sorry,
sad,
and yours.

i don’t write about you
as often as i used to.
i feel sorry about that.
you still make everything
feel like a love story.
even when my hands shake,
even when the days are heavy,
you hold me like the ending
could still be happy.

i love you in quieter ways now,
in glances, in waiting,
in letting myself stay.
and that matters more
than any poem ever could.
but still, i’ll try to write you one
anyway.

breathe in, breathe out,
it’ll all be ok.
breathe in, breathe out,
it’s been another day.

lately
i’ve been thinking about killing myself.
it’s not something i usually consider,
but i think i may be
broken beyond repair.
nothing seems worth it anymore.
i wish it was.
god,
i wish it was.
but if im never gonna be enough,
why keep trying?
why live with this pain every day
when i could
not.
not live.
i could not live.
im so sorry.
im so so sorry.
i know we banned that word
but i need you to know how sorry i am.
i’ll try to hold on,
try to keep those demons away,
but im getting tired,
and im outnumbered.