we were lovers once,
sought solace in one another’s skin & sweat,
gasping with a slip of lips down the spine.
we were lovers once
& then we weren’t.
it’s still strange to me
how that could be.
i always thought you’d be the last,
called you salvation,
you called me
yours so i wouldn’t be surprised
to reach within your ribs & rediscover
pieces of myself long since forgotten
& i don’t know who i am anymore
but you knew me best,
i ran to you bleeding & crying & starving
only to evade your every attempt to help me escape
the voices making madness in my head, only to rage more
& push back against your sweetness, your concern,
your unconditional love, we shared that
with each other but we stopped making each other
better & when i pointed this out to you
i thought i broke you,
watched you cry so hard it took your breath away
& this whole summer i was afraid
you’d decide living wasn’t worth the effort.
we have both worn angry cuts on our skin,
but the last time i saw you,
ours have both faded into mere scars.
we’ve put down the razorblades & stopped
flirting with suicide,
& though we still have our vices,
i look at us now & we’ve never been
happier.
so i smoke my cigarette & take some photographs
while you inhale a line of ******* & we both smile
because sometimes life is just grand,
somehow
it’s okay we’re still medicating
the human condition
because we are proof
that fundamental love does not go away
that it is possible to heal
that we were never broken.
those two years of my life are forever yours.
you own that.
you kept me safe.
you loved me when i couldn’t love myself,
unyielding,
ceaseless,
& i’m grateful.
just look at us now.
we never thought we’d make it.
i never thought we’d still be alive
so breathe in your chemicals,
swallow your pills,
do your worst &
i love you nonetheless.

people what to say time chained feelings
pouring out love dipped strawberries
idle hands are like the idle hearts
warming the night storm in the morning
breaking ice sheets like small talk and conversation
and yeah you sensed the hesitation
plan b fallowed by plan e or f
we can talk about the sky
if its really raining then we can stay in
as long as eyes don't start leaking
from the floorboard breaking
either way we will be drowning
letting scary monsters from the basement
see straight to the attic
cobweb covered dreams above us
long forgotten when we jumped pin picks
or pin holes
i forget what you call them
no you can't smoke my lucky

i will never be skull crushed in a white powder prison
im free chicken passed out to the home seeking
because home is just where you put your ****
forget about where my heart is
its been sliced melted and reforged
flames that lick to the center of a tootsie pop
making the blood boil so the candy coating bursts of an inside
less than visually appealing is how i view my skeletal structure
didn't stop it from poking out when i jumped from your window

keep your friends close and enemies at a distance
because regardless the season of life no other purpose not dipped in deviousness
gives rise to rational of keeping the damage in arms reach
its not unlike the scissor strokes dancing a tap show on the wrist
i just never saw a reason to it
then again i can't see life like you do

my eyes get stuck on the things i see beauty in
which is mostly this new girl
sometimes the scenery  
then these flashes of a easy time
regardless
my irreverence stems from deep inadequacies
beg the question to forget the answer
and to the east i walk
lets find a way

He traced his fingers down my spine
my bare skin crawling with desire
I knew it was just ***
and I knew he did not love me
and I did not love him
but I still yearn for those moments
laying in my bed
with his skin on mine
in a state of utter dispassion

he told me he loved me and i thought that was funny.
me? silly me with my crunched hair and wandering eyes.
me? short tempered and emotional me.
me? elaborate and confused. lifeless.
he took my hand and kissed its palm.
he told me i was beautiful.
he told me i was strong.
he didn't see my scars.
he didn't see me hide my face in his fingers.
i wanted him to mess up.
i wanted him to make me mad.
but he was perfection.
he was there with love.
and i was here with tears in my eyes and no hope.
and he stayed.
and i will never know why.

my thoughts sometimes keep me up until 2 in the morning.
selfish things can't let me go quite as easy as you did.

I sat, starving and
half-drunk
on the center cushion of my couch
now lying on the floor,
It was not spared from
my whiskey-induced rage.
It faired no better than the dining room chairs,
the window drapes,
or the crystal cocktail tumblers lying on
the floor,
strewn apart in shattered, jagged triangles.

I peel myself from the remains of a
living room
And stumble towards the toilet,
Each step ringing in the sorrowful consequences
of alcoholism
and a gin-soaked broken heart.

The bathroom does not welcome me,
It hides the light switch,
And I do not find it until
My fifth attempt.

My Sisyphean efforts to **** straight
Are ignored, and
God
adds a *****-soaked carpet
to the list of regrets
that rob me of my dignity.

He chalks up another
As a grown man vomits into
his toilet
And sobs like a lost child,
All while avoiding the cold gaze
of the Mirror.
It holds no surprises for me,
I do not pretend that I will look up
And like what I see.

I stumble backwards and flop
onto the section of carpet not covered
in the domestic debris of
my love-sick hurricane.

I do not wash my hands
I have lost all hope of cleansing
Myself.

I just roll around in
my grime,
and massage the empty spot
on my shoulder
where you would rest your head
during a movie,
or after late-night, spite-fueled ***.

And I clutch my chest,
Feeling my heart slowly atrophy,
Now freed from all the pain
And all the love
You gave me on nights
like this.