i had the weirdest dreams last night
and finally, *you weren't in them.

it's almost like when Vincent van Gogh ate yellow paint because he believed it would make him happy
i want to engulf your passionate fury and turn it into something we can both share
trying to spin the wheels on your spiderwebbed heart and watch the cogs rotate around a new start
swallow your inhibitions whole like a hunter and his prey
stare into the hearth behind your eyes and wait until my desire reaches the logs resting in your chest, igniting them with a flame so rich you lose all consciousness
wake up and find your hands searching for mine

it's nearing 3am and i can't really breathe comfortably
i'm thinking of being somewhere else
thinking of seeing new things
i think i could be losing my mind
i don't want to try and describe to you what's in my head because then it wouldn't be just mine
and see, i need something that is just mine, privately
because sometimes i don't feel like me
i think i could be losing my mind
i can see visions of myself in other forms
a mailman making his routes in Philadelphia
a woman in the waiting room of a hospital in the Bronx
a bee on the side of a tree in Georgia

i don't remember where i was going with this
it's 3am and i can't really breathe comfortably

Sometimes I want to peel the skin back from my body and expose you to the skeletal system too dry and brittle to hold all of my sadness in
And other times I want to replace my deflated organs with the brightness of your eyes and watch emotions and balance play out perfectly in front of your body
You have the world behind those eyes and I want to fall into them.  Get lost in them. I want to lay blankets and pillows down in your eye sockets and sleep to the rhythm of your blinking. I want to fan myself with your eyelashes and warm myself with your tears.
If only you could feel the void you create whenever you close your eyes, you would realize how much impact you have on life around you.

I don't ever want you to close your eyes

i've been thinking about a lot of things lately
but not nearly as much as i think about how everyone around me seems to be so good at being human beings
and i can't help but wonder
while i'm laying in bed on New Years, hoping that my next breath would be my last and instead hearing the fireworks going off and exploding into the eyes of a "new beginning"
is there any other way out?

"Everybody gets a second chance"

i was so afraid of losing you
that i held you tighter
but i was so afraid of holding you
that i lost you
i don't know what i'm doing with my life, so i'm holding onto little things and i'm sorry if you're one of them

i used to think it mattered that you never wanted to talk to me
i also used to think it mattered that everyone else got the chance to know you and i didn't

but you're just a person
you'll live and then you'll die
you'll be buried in the ground and flowers will adorn your grave
but before that
you'll burn your tongue on too-hot coffee and get scrapes and bruises when you fall
you'll get hangnails and scream when you try and pick them off
your feet will get sore from work and you'll buy the wrong size of shirts for your sister's birthday and she'll get sad

it's taken time to realize it
but you're just a person
and i don't think anything matters much anymore