I feel like I lost myself so long ago
Moving through the motions
constant sound and chaos
makes it hard to separate
the parts of me that are still living
and the deep empty space

I've been alive without my body now,
for seven long years
consistently checking,
saving face
from the gazes and disgraces
of the deaf and dumb ones
who hold space on the street

I try
and I'm trying
to get back in
to feel the good flow throughout me
to disconnect from the pain
of original sin
But I get tired and lose focus
wavering back and forth
pretending to be joyful
even with an uneasy grin

Maybe I'll get there
when the noise settles and the sun moves in
I just need a still and simple moment
so that I can finally breathe
and feel like myself again

Deep down, I knew
That this is how our love
Would end,
But it wasn’t really love, was it?
No, you would never call it that

But isn’t that how it felt?
When you moved inside of
My sweet and simple sin
I opened my eyes just once
And saw you gazing back
I saw myself,
In our eye’s reflection

I don’t know how I got here
On the other, darker side
Of your heart
Just behind the brick wall
I keep scratching
But I’ll never get back in

We’re enemies now
We can’t get close
Without a heart breaking
Or our clenched fists shaking
Someone always has to lose

And baby I should’ve warned you,
That when you took my heart hostage,
You started more than a battle
And I know how to end a war

Sometimes words,
Don’t sound as good
As they did in your head
When you dreamed them up,
When you fought it out
Inside your own mind

Sometimes please,
Doesn’t come through as desperate
As it needed to be
When you said it with a dying breath

Sometimes love,
Doesn’t feel as good
As it does in the movies
The soundtrack never plays
At the perfect moments
And kisses can’t be returned

Sooner or later,
Sometimes becomes all the time
And always is a constant,
State of distrust and disbelief
You’re worked up and stressed out
And love bleeds you dry
Like a leech on the vein

I walk in time to the beat
of the city, and my pounding heart,
I'm fast, flashing
I get where I'm going
but still, I stand there confused

I wish you called me beautiful
It hurts, leaves an aching in my chest
whenever you see me
and look cooly away

It shouldn't hurt at all
to change, to grow and expand
into a perfect space
but still, there are always consequences
when you move
you can always lose things along the way

Our love got lost
somewhere, between loving and fighting
changing and folding
I wonder sometimes
how we got here

when I once had your heat.

He's new - but not like, "brand new"
so I guess really, he's old
been around for a while
sitting on my shelf,
looking pretty, waiting for his turn to play

He's not charming,
and he'd never bring me flowers
doesn't call me pretty - hates it even more,
when I ask him to
but he stays
and I guess staying is what I want him to do

He comes to me in dreams
'cause in the waking life, he's too busy
has no time for me
but he's there, waiting
sometimes I can feel him

Mama says I can't have it both ways
what I want only comes in movies,
or books, the kind with long haired lovers
staring longingly at each other,
a breathless all or nothing kind of love

No, that's not real
and fairytales are for girls
they can **** you fast,
or let you die slow
that's the modern kind of love

Shifting between dreaming and waking
I am hazy, in a violent fog
laying away from my body

I feel his hands on me
and I try,
to move away from his touch
Am I moving?
I can't tell
my body betrays me, keeps me still

His sticky hands move,
up my back and along my breast
his lips press tightly against mine
and I think, this is it
this is what they warned us about
the thing adults curl their smiles down for,
tear up for, but then don't say

There's a fire in my head, and it burning bright
but he can't see, can't hear me scream no
move, move **** it
but my legs aren't mine anymore

I hear him say my name, feel the bed move
beneath my lifeless weight
the tears come
he stops, rolls over

I stay awake until the rain comes
it hits my face, I keep my eyes shut
he's gone, and I let the fog carry me away

I love, you working at your desk
steadily typing, thinking precisely
answering logically, placing carefully

Your face is perfect
when it's stern and direct
you're making big decisions
creating wonder by hand

I love, you pulled in close
to my face and breast
curling in and stretching out
getting comfortable

Your body is perfect
when it's warm and near
constantly pulling me closer
when I'm there; available

Your heart makes mine whole
just because it's far, doesn't mean it's away
because I feel it
and I know it

I trace the lines of your body by hand
like an old map on my wall
It's always been there
but I'm just now noticing,
I'm just now tracing my steps.