I’ll just be 10 times stronger
Every time you attack me
Lay the blame on me
Push me around
Throw sharp words at me
The kind that pierce my chest
And burn slowly like poison

For you and your serpent tongue
Your hot sticky breath
And your cold dead eyes
I am a shell
The shed skin of my old self

Lying next to you
I am nothingness
I stare out the window at the sun
I wish she’d burn a little brighter today
Because I know longer can
My shine wore off
My light burned out

As soon as I climb out of
This black hole in which you’ve placed me
I’ll just be 10 times stronger

I wish I didn’t want
To live with it’s burn
Is an awful fate
To live in your love
Is to live in an empty, lifeless world

When you speak
There’s a sweetness in my chest
And hot sweat on my palms
It’s a burning sickness that I cannot run away from
Take me for this is all I am

I wish I knew how it felt to be
Myself
Someone that is all me
One who wakes up knowing
Who they are and where they stand
Everyday would be a good day
Each one better than the last

But instead I lay worn and ragged
In this dark, wretched place
Beside you
Breathing slowly
And letting out hot little tears
The one’s I hide from you

Pain and longing are my ***** little secrets now
I can hide it away from their eyes
And pretend that I’m okay
Like it’s good to be me

If no one sees
Then it never happens
And I can live in make believe
Where nothing hurts
And where my scars don’t exist
In a world where it’s always sunny
And everything tastes sweet

As I wake
I find that he is the taste in my mouth
His smell lingers on my sheets
It hangs heavy in the air
He’s on my skin
And he’s in my hair
I touch myself
He’s there too

As I dress I push him
To the back of my mind
But he slowly slinks back
Into my thoughts

I am overwhelmed
Every part of my being
Is consumed by him
I am weak with out him
I am even weaker
In his cold embrace

Perhaps I was always this weak
And it has nothing to do with him
Maybe he is just a crutch
A ***** little place to point at
Accusingly
A scapegoat for my flaws
This thought calms my nerves
And puts my busy head at bay

I bathe and his smell slides
Off my skin
The essence he had left on me
Is now gone
And is spinning down the drain
He is gone now
And I have full control

The world is alive tonight
Colored signs are illuminated
Streetlights are on fire
The stars are all out to play

Let’s get lost in this blissful world
Where everything is happy
And everything tastes sweet
I want to scream in the backseat
Until my voice gives out
Stick my hand out the window
And wave to the world
Watching it sway in the wind
Before bringing it back

I am in love tonight
Not with a man
Not with a woman
But with life
With laughter
As loud as thunder
With hands up
*** out
Wild dancing
With everything good
And with everything I have

The world is on fire tonight
So let’s live it up
While it’s burning down

I am a dog with her head out the window
Wind in my fur
Tongue flapping
Happy to be alive

My heart beats for only you
How far this is from the truth
Not you, but the you I created in my head
Through careful thought and imagination

Your touch
Smile
And Whisper
But a soul I placed within
A shell of you
With something beautiful I slipped inside
Not really you at all

A being that looks like you
But thinks like me
And loves like something awesome
Pure, clean, and perfect

Something I obsess over
Want with the whole of me
I thrive for
Yearn for
I AM for
A thing I can never have
Because it never existed

Loving and adoring
Perfect soul for soul
Greatest God of God
Ever and forever the person that I want
A you that is not you

New heart
Old heart
Fused together so perfectly
The torn pieces
The frayed
All sewed and mended
But not new,
No they wouldn’t be, would they?

I am sitting here
At 9:39
At night
In the cold
Chilling silence
Of my childhood bedroom

A place of pain I forgot to abandon
And I’m feeling manic
Enraged and enticed
By foggy drunk memories
Of your soft tangly hair
In my mouth
And between my fingers

But this poem isn’t for you
My peach
My perfect pear
(but isn’t it always really
about you, my love?
Don’t you live forever
In the back of my mind?)
No
Not now, I won’t think
I can’t think
I’ll just watch the curser
Flashing curiously at the top of the page
And dwell on how unutterably
******,
my life has become

My life
With it’s twists and turns
It’s cruel little jokes
I am a punching bag for the universe
I am the teacher
The one the boys learn to be better from
Only to practice on soft
Untattered
Unbroken women

Those who can’t do
Teach
And I can’t do love.