You wake up early already feeling an itch behind your eyes and at the base of your spine.
behind your throat. Sweating but **** - it's November and you had the window open. Four cups of coffee and seven cigarettes to start the day. A tip: if you put your hands in your pockets then nobody can see them shaking.
"You look hungry. Eat something."
force down a McMuffin or two at noon and a ham sandwich before work. Drive the car.
that night work is noise.  The shift ends with a paycheck.
Go withdraw thirty bucks. Find some *****.
"A guy's gotta cut loose."
a guy's gotta be cut off.
***** this ***** that
twisted up so tight. wound around the bend. coffee and the dashboard lights. Radiation.
three AM fumbling with the keys - alone under a street light at the bus stop
wake up to the tv playing infomercials. Shower. Now repeat.

let him go
gently, gently now
let his footsteps echo
as he walks away
embrace the sound
and swallow down all the things
you'd love to say
this time, what is lost will not be found
let your freedom sing.

from the evergreen trees
to the dead and decomposing leaves
of trees that just don't stick around
the pitter patter, that silent sound
of the fall of rain, the drip of tears
the feathers of these past years
pluck away, **** the days
that you wasted with him
there must be some way
to shadow the agony with a graceful grin

do not drown yourself
in drink
do not harm yourself
in what you think
because the sun will rise,
the sun will fall
the world will surprise
by taking all
that you had

it might not be eloquent,
but these are instructions
on how to live with a broken heart
your fingers, your words will not mend
only time will tell

he will walk away
with a lack of empathy
he will never say
that you are what he needs.

accept, regret, and see what comes next
these words are yours to protect.

I couldn’t love you more I loved you before the ocean was blue an ocean of emotion what about the
Time at Disney’s rivers of America we were setting in the River Bell and you invited the kids from
Melbourne to watch the show with us there was three girls’ three boys about eighteen they told us how
At the motel there wasn’t a shower curtain and they took a shower and the flood it caused it ended with
Cheerful down under good bys but the unknown haunts us there parting words were in a few days
We’re going to New Orleans they timed it just perfectly with Katrina we have no way of knowing about
Their Safety and the time the doctor said she thought you had cancer you were standing before the
Majestic gate how black the bars were on this side the shadow that it made but through the darkness
You could see how bright the bars were on the other side all was a blaze nothing ever was witnessed like
this before such clarity interesting as if logic was fine tuned things burned into your knowing with the
Warmest glow all was showing and bestowing it secret wonders you came back from the brink all added
To love’s undying flame then the time we ate at the happening place the Crazy Horse the same year
As Urban Cow Boy although it was southern California and it is west it was like we walked into Texas
Every Yuppie for miles was there dressed to the hilt in western wear it had something for a little kid
The next day we went to Knott’s Berry Farm we brought food from the Crazy Horse so we just set at the
Barbeque picnic tables I was eating steak but the fun was eating the purple onions the little kid was just
Young enough to be fooled what a face he made as I ate worms what fun you had then in southern
Florida we went to Wolf Man Jack’s club a great Ferris wheel out at the side of the building we listened
To Dell Shannon I guess we should have prayed and not just listened shortly thereafter he took
His own life but the knight was old time Rock and Roll and someone threw in the song Bogey and Ma Call
Because Key Largo was so close lower the black curtain of night it’s time to have those throw away
nights that were without price but in my eyes your stature grew on the night we walked on the sands
Of Waikiki and the sea turned from turquoise blue to blackest black with the fringed waves in whitest
Magical white and then we strolled among the Hilton Garden with the burning torches you swayed as
Well as any Island girl and caught the rhythm of the sawing palms over head but as you know day
Follows night and what a sight you made in those red shorts just above the knees and that white shirt
The only way it could have been more perfect if it was a man’s white shirt and you had tied it in the
Front don’t worry I said a little prayer that night for imagination your heart beat took control the
Softest island breeze we were there but we were where all lovers congregate either Rome or the French
Country side among wine vineyards or the burnished sands that Valentino gave love its signature look in
This place of empty space silence hits a cord most adored you hear that single sound of wind hitting the
Walls of the greatest tabernacle the tabernacle of love in your love ones company maybe you can’t
Identify it but your spirit knows the rolls upon rolls of interchangeable wonder that we know you were
Asleep the other day I set and watched your gentle breathing it made my heart beat stronger because I
Know the gentleness of your soul and all the kind acts you do for others and the reason I’ m writing this
It is your birthday so for them and me Happy Birthday my love

I remember every month you would get a haircut
because you couldn't stand the strands touching your face.
You blew it out of your eyes
and folded it back from your forehead
but you weren't at peace until it was gone.

When you left,
it wasn't entirely your fault.
I liked tomato soup while you liked chicken noodle;
you watched television in the mornings while I flipped through the channels at night;
I couldn't blame you
we just didn't work out.

Yet in this moment I am biking past your house,
it is late and I can see the television flashing through in the window shades.
It is when the house is out of sight when I start thinking of you;
the yellow dotted street line is your spine and I am tracing the curves with my wheels,
the leaves strewn across the road are your freckles and I am so lost
in a sea of your anatomy that I do not even notice the headlights.

They say before you die your life flashes before your eyes,
but all I see is the television through the window,
strands of me draped across your face,
and how at peace you must be now that I'm finally gone.

It's okay to leave your makeup on overnight sometimes,
Especially when you stumble through your front door at 3 am after forgetting to kiss the man who took you out goodbye
It's okay to wear the same pants two days in a row,
Especially after you've taken 4 finals, written 6 essays, and did a 13 page paper about the KKK.
It's okay to have a crush on the boy everyone else thinks is wierd,
Especially when he likes you back and your love makes him want to be a successful person for you when you grow up together
It's okay to cry,
Especially when your father disappeared just after avoiding a diabetic coma, do not let your mother tell you it's not.
It's okay to think you're pretty,
Especially if the other girls say you aren't (You are stunning)
Its okay to feel weak,
Especially when you're burdened with the weight of what feels like the world.
It's okay to let him tell you be loves you,
Especially when he means it
It's okay to LOVE YOURSELF,
Especially when you feel worthless.
It is okay,
When you think it isn't, read this poem,
Everything is okay,
You have to believe it will be okay,
Especially when it isn't

When you are asked
What you look for
You say eyes
And a smile
And overall beauty
Like most of the guys

So my endless nights of studying
And attention I pay everyday
To further become a more intelligent being
And the positive thoughts I cram
Into my brain
To have a beautiful personalty
And the millions of words
I tie together to form
A meaningful poem
are nothing

So maybe thats why
We spend countless hours
Just finding what perfect shade
Of lipstick brings out our smile
And pointless times
Fixing our hair
And precious seconds
Trying to excentuate our eyes
And thousands of dollars
Of metal and wire
To straighten our smiles

and maybe thats why
I put down my books
And picked up the makeup


But I've slowly returned


To the books

Because

Beauty without
Intelligence
Is like a masterpiece
On a napkin