A massive bison skull hung grandly in the back room
Overlooking a dirt-caked, ripped to **** couch from 1976
The year of the bicentennial
The same year he first killed something
It was a deer he shot twelve times on a hunting trip with his grandfather
But when his grandfather inspected the ****, he swore he'd never take him hunting again

After that he had to resort to setting traps
Little wooden cages with trip wires he made himself in his room
Wittling away with the Bowie his father kept in the shed
And he heated up wads of cheddar cheese in the oven until it stunk to high Heaven
Put the cheese in his cages and set them up in the woods behind his house
Then he'd sit behind a big boulder and watch silently
Barely blinking, heart racing
For hours
Until a rabbit or a cat or a raccoon caught the scent of the cheese
And zip inside the cage
Trapped and zipped up up forever
Because he'd take his catch back home
And with the same Bowie knife he used to make the cage
He used to cut the animal's head off
And arms and legs
Heart
And
Brain

Eventually his father caught wind of what he was doing
And his father asked him to come into the garage
He asked why and then his father dragged him
By the back of his hair
Like one of the many rabbits he plucked from his cages
And his father took that same Bowie knife
And then took his hand
And sealed it tight into the bench clamp
With the Bowie knife
His father sawed his pinky and ring fingers
Off his right hand
Slowly
Blood spurting all over both of their faces
As he screamed and cried
His father spat his blood
Right in his face
And told him
"That's for stealing my knife."

They said this year, Saturn
will leave my house
In retrograde
Trailing jade silk amongst
the black trees
But still, it snows
and still, I ride
On this ghost train
to the coldest hell
Couldn’t you have left a star
to gaze upon?
While my lips drip ice
and my eyes stay
open
To see the mess you
made
For me to clean in
darkness

I’ve overslept
I’ve smoked too much
My house is unkept
And my body's wrecked
My heart's a mess
And my head is worse
The doctor said
I over think
So I sought a cure
In the form of drink
That didn’t help, so
I turned to men
They let me down
All of them
My daily pills
For various ills
Don’t work so well
I’m starting to believe
That life is hell

Never have I been able
to place my finger on where
my trouble sits
deep inside my flesh
lodged in like a weary traveler
finally able to rest,

I do not know the reasons
for why he entered into my life
holding great felicity
delicately as if it were
the only precious gem in the world,

I ponder the answers to why
I will never hear another tap against
my window pane
or hear him speak the syllables
of my name,

For he is gone and the one
to never return with
jouissance dwelling in
the palm of his tired hands.

I awoke to screaming

Only it wasn't my own
This time, it appeared
Someone had invaded my home
I got up quickly

I reached for my bat
But knew that if anything would help
It probably wouldn't have been that
But still, quietly I crept down the stairwell

In the kitchen stood a man
Or what appeared to be
He gazed at me and raised his hand
One finger to his lips, "Shhh"

So I raised my eyebrows and opened my mouth
To speak but he shushed me louder
This time and lowered himself into a crouch
And that's when I saw what he had done

Below his massive, crouched down frame
Was a shattered bottle of milk
He stared at it solemnly, knowing he was to blame
Then he looked back up at me

"Please don't tell my mother."
A single tear rolled down his big face
"She loves me like no other."
The tears were streaming now

I didn't know what to say
Here was a hulking man, in my kitchen
I suddenly felt I could no longer stay
If I go back up stairs will he leave? Or **** me in my sleep?

I backed up a little and said
"If you just go now,
I'll just be getting back to bed."
He smiled, his tears glinting off moonlight

"Thank you! But please! Turn around."
And for some reason I did
When I turned back, he was nowhere to be found
The milk was cleaned too, glass and all

I scratched my head in disbelief
I was still groggy from sleep
Anyone ever heard of a break, weep and clean?
I'd think not
I'd like to think not

I wish I could see you in the deeper blue
tangled in strings, caught by your favorite song
pure
I'm afraid of lies, now

You should know after all this time that I bear my feelings very easily
that I'm learning how to close myself up bit by bit
for the things that earn it
too late, after I'm hurt
I'd say you've earned it

And I'm sorry
I don't want to lose you
I'm cold from the dry beatings
low blows
numb mornings

pinpricks away from happiness and I can't feel

pinpricks
the needle
he's cold, hard, and tempting

you're cold in ways I don't understand
with panoramic views
(prime real estate)
you're silver and gold, fighting inside your skin
aren't we all?
I'm tired of humans


This place in my head -
it's the needle ready to puncture my heart
it's the bits of an iced-over creek that are still running,
waiting to pool up, freeze, and crack

the leaf that's falling waiting to be trampled

I wish I could fall away so easily